♡k

I complain about a lot of things in life and nitpick at all the things in my life that could be better to the point where I forget that I'm very privileged and very fortunate to even have the most simple things in life. Since moving across the country with no friends to talk to, no family to fall back on, no driver's license in a city with expensive Uber/Lyft prices and scarce access to public transit and no real direction other than getting to my new place and landing a job, I've realized that there could've been a million things that could've gone wrong but haven't and didn't.

It's been almost 8 months since moving across the country and as I'm getting closer with my coworkers and the other locals around, I've learned that even though there are people who have lived here all their life and nowhere else, they have either experienced or are currently experiencing situations I'm genuinely so blessed I have not been through such as homelessness, health problems/conditions and limitations, addictions and traumatic experiences that I've only heard online and television (not to mention the PTSD they have to live with after these events). Some are experiencing all of them at the same time with little to no time or money to heal and/or to see someone for help (a doctor, therapy, shelters, etc.).

I am very fortunate to be living in a safe and quiet neighborhood in a clean and well-maintained home with lots of amenities at such a cheap price with no trouble with others or neighbors.

As much as I wish some aspects in my life were better, I'm grateful that I have good health, I have food that I enjoy on my plate everyday and to live in a home that I'm happy and comfortable in because the people I have spoken to and know what they have experienced and/or are experiencing now, all of those things could've happened to me and it could easily be me in their shoes.

I am so grateful that I was able to move across the country on my own and be able to be ten toes down with my head held high regardless of the hiccups along the way.

video via NIHILISTICSAGE on Instagram

Share my writing prompt responses (feel free to ask me anything too!!)

Journal with the intention of self-reflection, growth and peace of mind

Organize and vent about my thoughts and feelings (without judgement and criticism)

HOPEFULLY RELATE TO OTHERS <3

get my driver's license

start esthetician classes

I preferred having a safety net for a really long time. I think in a lot of cases, you should always have a safety net. But sometimes you can't always have a safety net.

For example, since moving out on my own, I’ve been taking the risk of getting over my anxiety and fear of driving. The more I practice driving, the less nervous and scared I am after each lesson. I feel excited getting behind the wheel now and going faster (still going the legal limit) than what I’ve done before. I still can’t believe I went faster than 50mph. I can’t believe I even touched 60!! (edit: 09/17/2024, I drove on the freeway for the first time!!)

A year ago, I wouldn’t even have dreamed of going any faster than 20mph. Learning how to drive has taught me that I am in control of myself and my situation. I have overcome the biggest obstacle of my life and as I continue to practice driving, I feel like I could do anything! I hope in 2 months, I will be so comfortable driving that I can, not only finally take my driver's test, but also go out on my own without fear, without worrying if I have enough money for rides for the week or even waiting on someone to bring me to places! (ex., ubers/lyfts and friends/family helping me run errands)

I hesitated taking the initiative to practice driving for so long for many reasons that slowly snowballed into avoiding it completely up until this point. One of the main reasons was my fear of getting into a car crash. I believe it rooted from my childhood and teenage years from hearing my immediate and extended family getting into accidents (either it be their fault or the other driver involved). It's also expensive for the permit test(s), driving lessons, getting to and from the driving lessons and/or DMV, taking the driver's test(s) and the potential expenses of having and maintaining a car.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still worried but it's more of a financial worry now. I feel way more confident driving compared to 6 months ago and I believe I will get better as I continue to practice driving but I have to learn to accept the fact that I will owe and possibly be in debt to something or someone to have and maintain certain things in life such as a car and/or being a homeowner. I've always been afraid to be in debt and owe money. I have a "if I can't buy it in full, I can't have it" mindset. I grew up poor.

Driving doesn't really have a safety net option because although I would like to avoid getting into an accident, coming across car problems and owing a large amount of money, it's bound to happen whether I like it or not. I must decide if I want to swim or drown because either way it'll be hard but in the long run of having the ability to drive, it'll help make things easier for myself rather than not having my license at all.

Some times you have to jump the gun and go for it. You never know what it'll bring you and I hope having the ability to drive will bring me lots of opportunities in life that I would never have dreamed of a year ago! (ex., new career opportunities, independence, freedom and new life experiences)

(edit: 09/17/2024, I came across this Instagram reel and thought it was relevant)

I thought that if you were kind to others and cared about them as loudly as you could, they would treat you the same way. I didn’t think I would be lying to myself when I implemented this into my brain but I guess I slowly did over the years and didn’t realize it until recently. I cared about a lot of people from high school to early adulthood. I did this because I was mean and terrible to others from elementary to high school. When the pandemic happened, I wanted to be better. I didn’t want to be the angry, selfish and mean person I was years ago. I was childish, reckless and out of line with my actions and words. I hurt a lot of people because I thought I could and did, even to those who didn't deserve it.

About a year after I graduated high school, I spent a lot of time alone especially when I cut contact with family and most friends for some years. I reflected and cried a lot. I was an emotional bomb. I blindly cared about others because I realized I struggled in ways people didn't notice and I’m sure people cared about me in ways that I didn’t notice. With this realization, I considered and cared for others in ways I wished people did for me. Despite the fact that more times than not it has backfired on me, I will never regret it. I will not regret becoming this soft person for others. I will not be cruel and apathetic because that's how I've been treated since birth. Maybe I did lie to myself that if I treated others the way I want them to treat me but I will not regret becoming the helping hand that I wished I had growing up. The right people will appreciate and care about me the way I do and did about them. Some might not and I’ll be left empty-handed but I will not let the cold rigid corners of life leave me heartless.

I blindly care and love because I never know what people are dealing with or have dealt with. Life seems more enjoyable that way than to blend in with the selfish, angry crowd because that’s how they want to deal with their emotions and traumas. I lie to myself everyday and I hope that I never regret that feeling. I will not allow other people's character effect mine.

zodiac sign - aquarius | jan. 2002

zodiac animal - horse

music - kpop, 80's - early 2010's, pop

favorite color - yellow & pastels

interests - cooking, physical health, mental health, fashion, reflecting & self-improvement

tumblr theme - andrômeda by kosmique