#finding your purpose

Through everything I have passed but nowhere I have been.

-- Dejan Stojanovic

a signature scent, signature colour, signature band or artist, signature nail polish or lipstick. literally anything, animals or shows can be what everyone associates with YOU!!!

Following our dreams, finding our passions, and chasing our purpose has left a lot of us bereft, directionless, adrift, and missing everything on the list.

Perhaps life should be defined as "Learning to cope with disappointment."

So I began to wonder, "What if I devoted myself to being good at my job? What opportunities might I find there? Since I've been without direction for years, meandering, why not grab whatever anchor is there and see where it leads me?"

I've never learned much about storytelling nor plot arcs, nor character development. I barely pay attention to all my grammarizing or syntacticality.

Incidentally, syntax is among my favorite words.

What if I really started throwing myself into it? Started taking more shifts for more money, just to expedite moving. It might not be the greatest thrill, but a little workaholism might not be the worst thing to indulge in right now.

I'm just concerned about what that does to my psyche.

It's hard to know exactly where to focus your attention. Sometimes you're better off seeking something to pursue, rather than something to avoid. For instance, becoming really involved in exercise could be the same goal as not smoking pot. If your goal is not to smoke, you're moving away from something. That can be more difficult, because you're still focused on the activity. Focusing on not doing it is not that different from focusing on doing it.

The reason for this is neurological. In a very rudimentary sense, your brain sends two signals when you tell yourself not to do something. The first signal says "do the thing." The second signal negates the first one, sending a "do not do the thing." When most people stand near a ledge they will get this sensation. You will likely get a wild thought about jumping off the edge. This can happen if you are a perfectly happy person who is neither a thrill seeker nor suicidal. Many people have this happen to them.

The reason is the brain is thinking about jumping off the ledge, and then saying "but actually, don't do that."

It's very similar to the mental trick "don't think of an elephant," which forces someone to immediately think of an elephant, because they do that in order to tell themselves not to think about it.

What this means for quitting an addiction is that if you're focused on stopping, you're still reactivating the part of your brain that thinks about engaging in the addiction.

This is why many people then focus on recovery, as their replacement. That is thinking about healing from the addiction and engaging in life again, rather than simply stopping. It also provides an outlet for emotionally clearing out the difficult thoughts and feelings that led to engaging in the addiction in the first place.

This was about learning to love your job, huh?

If you focus on making your job better, or becoming more adept at your job, it can become your passion, and take on purpose for you. You can start to see how doing it allows you to impact the world in some way. Learning more about it, you'll see even being a good cashier is something that can work wonders for you. That's about reading people, understanding shoppers, seeing how a business operates from within. Seeing where there is potential to learn and grow.

Otherwise, I'm focused on being resentful and thinking they are wrong and that I'm a bitch who isn't standing up for myself. Actually, I could find a better way to interact with my editor.

See, pot mellows me out enough to think of these things. It's a crutch, but it's not all bad. Minus the paranoia part.

But, I'm going to shift my mentality to trying to be better at my job. I've actually been listening to my editor, and just trying to learn to play the game they want. Which is a good start. It wouldn't hurt to voice my opinion in a way that is kind and approachable. There's no need to silently stuff it.

Being a better writer, better marketer, and learning more about the operations of a bigger site isn't a bad education. So, I'll play the game and see how they do things 'round these parts.

The scientific mindset is a powerful one to acquire. If everything is an experiment to see the outcome, your ego doesn't get involved as easily. You merely observe the outcome without feeling like you handled it badly or are weak, stupid, or wrong for your thoughts.

If you feel like something dark and bloody, watch the Hannibal TV Series. I mention that because Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal is always watching people, gauging their reaction. He is never really involved with their feelings. He is merely observing them and how they respond to the grim and dour circumstances. The show itself fades after about the second season, if not a bit before, but the early parts are such masterworks that it's really worth watching. That's from a lifelong lover of the original "Silence of the Lambs" film, the whole Thomas Harris series of books, though also a harsh critic of the "Hannibal" book itself. I barely bothered with "Hannibal Rising" because I felt like Harris was going back to a well that worked, but his inspiration had fled.