whole heart

Bubble baths and having whatever five-star meals you want prepared, at any time, are a major thing. Unrestricted access to the libraries and the back garden so you can exercise and get your much-needed dose of fresh air, also crucial. But beyond all that… what surprises you the most is that you slowly come to appreciate, just as much as the rest, the time you spend with her. 

This strange closeness, it’s… new.

Your entire life, you’ve been on the move. One village after another, never stopping at one place for more than two months, you never had friends, let alone anything more. You didn’t miss it, only because you never knew what it was like to have such a thing in the first place. But now…

You want to deny that you like it when she casually weaves her arm around your elbow as you walk together, when she leans into you, when she lays her head on your lap while reading and demands to be petted like an oversized cat. You don’t want to smile at the way she often will just sit there, pouting and complaining about her sisters, or the weather, or whatever task her mother assigned to her that she finds dreadfully boring. 

Tonight, she’s fully immersed in her book, only making the occasional comment about the plot. Well. Whatever ‘plot’ serves as an excuse for five chapters worth of porn later, you muse, glancing down at the sea of crimson sprawled across your thighs. 

“Ah, finally he tells her he’s wanted her since the beginning!” she exclaims at one point. 

You frown. “Didn’t he, like… sleep with two other girls on his journey to her?” 

Daniela pauses for a moment. “Yeah, but that was…” she gestures ‘whatever’ with her hand. “He drank and was missing her and they just reminded him of her.”

“How romantic.” you drawl through no small amount of sarcasm. 

“Shh, it’s getting to the best part.” Daniela says and you’re about ninety percent sure you do not want to know what said part entails. 

Instead, you choose to focus on the texture of her hair, slipping like silk between your calloused fingers, as well as the general warm serenity of the library. It is easy to forget your troubles in this utter calm, surrounded by books and her vanilla scent. Easy to not think, because if you do you’ll see this as what it is; a pretty illusion that just won’t last.

“Ugh, I love graphic descriptions of abs.” Daniela gives a dreamy sigh after a while. “Those that make you feel like you can actually touch them…”

Your eyes stray to the paragraph in question. Immediately, you regret it. You could certainly live your life happily without ever having read about how the protagonist’s girl is worshiping every deep line and shadowed contour of his ‘stone-hard’ abdominals. 

“Your bisexuality knows no bounds.” the comment –and the accompanying eye-roll– were supposed to sound solely in your head. Alas, you hold your breath the second you speak them out loud. 

Daniela laughs. She laughs and you try to not think about how cute she looks throwing her head further back and exposing her neck like this. 

“Hey, I simply appreciate a fit physique.” It’s the alternate way of saying ‘I drool over any and all muscle.’ “Both in books and here in the castle.”

“Do your sisters know how much you appreciate the physique of their girlfriends?” The words hold no bite to them, just harmless teasing. 

Daniela closes the book and looks up at you with a faux scandalized expression. “Me?” she gasps. When it’s clear you’re not buying it, the angel-face grows a devilish smile and imaginary horns. “Let’s just say the girlfriends know I strongly approve of my sisters’ tastes.” 

“Mhm.” you nod. 

“Naw, don’t be like that, Knight.” she turns and nuzzles into your stomach, then lifts your shirt a bit and presses a lingering kiss to its center. “I like you more.” You feel her lips move against you, cool, soft and moist as she speaks and it makes you hot on the spot. 

Then, she decides to shatter whatever is left of your innocence with a tiny, experimental drag of her tongue up your ab crack. Your breath catches in your throat. 

Slowly, she smiles to herself as she settles back into her earlier position. “Huh. The book is right, after all. This is pretty fun.”

For the remaining half an hour until she has to get up for dinner, you suffer.    

–

–

You expect Daniela to jump into you from around the corners of corridors in the evening, but you are not quite as prepared in the morning. 

So, when it happens, you reflexively bend at the waist and almost flip her over your back. Until the familiar smell of her perfume registers in your brain and allows your shoulders to loosen under the circle of her black-clad arms. You inhale through your nose. Breathe out slowly.

“Seren, Seren, look!” She seems oblivious to the heart attack she damn near caused, pointing to the window like a kid on a sugar rush. “The sun is strong today and the temperature should rise above ten degrees. It’s the perfect time to take me out on a date like you’ve always wanted~”

Your lips flatten to a line that you bite your cheek not to break into a smile. “Like I’ve always wanted.” you repeat dully.

“Isn’t it great to finally get what you’ve been waiting for?” she zooms right in front of you, grinning. “Come on, go dress up.” Her hand motions for you to hurry almost too fast for the human eye to catch. “Go, go.”

This is the whole point of your arrangement, that you both get what you want the moment you want it, therefore it’s not like you can just tell her no. The problem is, seeing her literally buzzing with eagerness to step outside, you don’t think you would deny her anything regardless. 

A warmer blouse replaces your white shirt, an ash-gray coat on top of it. You hastily pull a scarf around your neck as you descend the staircase to the main lobby, where Daniela waits by the fireplace, rolling her key around her gloved fingers. She’s dressed exactly as she was the moment you first met in the woods, which makes you pause for a moment, muse on how long ago that day seems now.

Yet it can’t have been that long… can it? For a tense moment, a sense of alarm overthrows your excitement to be outdoors.

Until she grabs your hand and pulls you towards the main gates. The carved iron is made to look much lighter than it is as she pushes it open with one finger. The chilly air that greets your cheeks with a biting kiss does wonders to cleanse your mind of worries.

The two of you walk into the forest. Daniela no doubt knows every nook and cranny like the back of her hand; the certainty of her steps inspires confidence you won’t get lost in all the thick trees and melting snow. 

“It feels so good to finally get out of the castle.” she hums, stretching her arms over her head, bathed in the sun’s golden rays. 

Judging by the skip in her step, she would be running or flying around, if not for you. Which makes you wonder why she wants you along in the first place. If anything, you only appear to be holding her back. A question you do not voice, when instead you speak up to ask:

“The sun doesn’t bother you?”

“I’m not literally a vampire, you know.” Daniela shrugs. No, she just feeds on blood, sleeps during the day and has superpowers. Your expression must betray your thoughts because she instantly adds “Well. It’s debatable. Although my sisters and I aren’t too fond of the light, the sun is also quite warm, so not all bad. Not like it hurts us in any way.”

“Not like the cold.” you state. It isn’t a question. 

She stops in her tracks. Gives you an uncharacteristically firm look underneath the shadows of her hood, one that is both cautious and a warning. “No… not like the cold.” 

You won’t lie; you’re surprised she doesn’t deny it. “Why aren’t you fond of the light, then?” you wonder aloud. “Instincts?” 

“That, too. But mostly it makes us drowsy. And our eyesight is keener in the dark. Here, it’s like a filter has been pulled in front of me that doesn’t let me see as far.” Daniela explains. 

For the next ten minutes, you continue your trudge in comfortable silence. Soon, your destination comes into view; a small waterfall surrounded by rocks and lush vegetation you never even knew existed. A grin spreads across your lips, admiring nature’s beauty at its finest. The village still hides many surprises. 

“Knew you’d appreciate this little place.” she comments lightly. For someone you’re supposed to be taking out on a date, it sure feels like the other way around.

Almost without thinking, you kneel by the running water, letting your fingertips dip into its crystalline surface. The frost bites real hard, but it must be a dream to take a bath here during the summer. 

I won’t be here come summer. Your chin lowers. If you are, then ‘here’ won’t be nearly as pretty and peaceful. You can’t stay long. Looking up at Daniela, her subtly heterochrome orbs fixed on an orange butterfly that has landed on her hand, you wonder if you can tell her why. 

“Life sure is weird.” she whispers. “Can you imagine this beauty comes from something as ugly as a caterpillar?” The butterfly flies away, but Daniela’s irises remain fixed on the spot it used to occupy. “Both are insects. And yet… nobody wants the caterpillar.”

You don’t understand what she’s really referring to –as is often the case with her– although you get the sense her sentence is deeper than a mere observation. Is she saying that beauty defines everything? 

Or… is she telling you more than that?

Daniela rubs her gloves together and walks over to you, takes a seat on a nearby rock and leaves enough room for you to join. It is only after you do that you realize she didn’t ask; you simply went to her on your own. What that says, you aren’t sure you want to know. Is it possible to be scared of something and willingly approach it at the same time?  

“So… are these mini falls special to you? Do you come here to read under the sun when it’s hot enough?” you inquire.

“No. I don’t come often anymore.” Daniela replies. “I used to find sanctuary in this place a long time ago, though. The steady sound of the water helped me focus my thoughts. For a little while, anyway.”

“Sanctuary?” you frown. From what?

“The first years, the hunger was… maddening. Inescapable frenzy. I couldn’t even think.” Her fingers curl into claws at the recollection. “It was a nightmare. Crazy.” It may be your imagination that her voice wavers. Still, to think a monster would sound so desperate to escape herself… “I have no idea how Bela got it under control as fast as she did.”

You swallow, then ask: “And Cassandra?” 

Daniela’s dark-glossed lips press together. “Cassandra’s therapy was clearing this side of the forest of most mammals.” 

“From what I gather, this spot isn’t one of happy memories. How come you brought me?” you wonder.

Daniela gives you a borderline guilty look. “Actually… it was Rhiannon’s idea. Said if I came here with you I’d like it a lot better than being on my own. That I could gradually associate it with something nice.” A shrug. “Plus it beats my sisters’ advice for a first date.” 

“And that is?” you’re feeling bold enough to ask.

“Between Bela’s extremely specific ‘just don’t be weird’ and Cassandra’s ‘shove her into the nearest empty room, go wild and call it success’... I figured this was better.” Daniela impersonates the other two perfectly and you can’t help but chuckle. 

What an oddly normal, bizarre family. you muse, perhaps with not as much venom as you would have, weeks ago. And then, another thought strikes you. Before you have time to consider whether you should voice it or not, you find yourself looking into her strangely pretty eyes, speaking. 

“You called the early days a nightmare. …what about before them?” Before the bloodthirst. Before whatever virus turned her into what she is. If she recalls that life as you believe she does, then she must surely parts of it. 

Unless the butterfly does not remember ever being a caterpillar.

But her expression tells you she does.  

“Nothing different before. Just a… never-ending nightmare.” her voice is distant as she says it. Far away, to whatever messed up reality she made up dreamworlds to escape from. 

That settles it, then. Turns out she and you have the most important thing of all in common. She knows what it’s like to live in a bad dream that keeps getting darker. She knows that it’s like to be you.