lumosinlove

Logan got a few laughs. Finn put his chin in his palm, fingers half-hiding the not-quite smile. Leo put a hand on the back of his neck and Logan could all but feel the way he squeezed gently. A habit that originated with Finn.

“It’s a long story,” Logan said. “And not one I want to figure out in English. And not the point of me saying all these words—anyway. Little bit, ah, heartbreak. But also Sirius Black in my locker room, wow.”

Finn turned to Leo, and Logan couldn’t read his lips or anything, but he was pretty sure his eyes had the light they got when he said to Logan, I love the way you talk. Leo nodded, eyes still on Logan. Logan tried to let his shoulders settle.

“I mean, of course I looked up to him forever. For all the usual reasons. We’re both from similar places. Obviously hockey. I mean, I lived in his old room at Dumo’s, used to just—look around wondering about when he lived there. If I was a better house guest—Dumo?”

But Pascal just laughed, holding his hands up in an unreadable shrug.

“Oh fine, be that way.”

Sirius turned around in his seat to look, too, then turned back to Logan and pointed at himself.

“Anyway,” Logan said, and that got the tables laughing again—he could pick out Noelle’s laugh. Found her beside Thomas. She blew him a kiss. Oh, she was crying—he couldn’t look at that right now. He’d start, too. “I—ouais, I wanted to be after him…” Non, not that. He looked at Leo, who mouthed— “Or, take after him in basically everything. The way he crowded defense. The curve he uses, the tape job. Oh, there was this one video of his highlights—Noelle, my sister, she knows, I’d just sit at the—we had a computer in the kitchen for the family, and I would watch his highlights over and over—right Nolly?” When she nodded, jokingly rolling her eyes, Logan let out a breath, pushing his fingers through his hair. “Right.” He looked to Sirius. “C’est parfait. Really.”

Sirius shook his head. He crossed his arms as he smiled. Remus, beside him, gave him a nudge with his shoulder. Sirius pushed back.

“And then, suddenly…” Yeah, there were the tears, threatening. “And not in the way anyone wanted, of course… But suddenly, there were more reasons for me to look up to him. Reasons that were just…so close to me, to my—heart, that I could not believe that there was something we…we shared, something I never saw coming, that I’d been…” Logan swallowed hard. “Trying to get rid of.” The world went little too quiet, but Logan made himself keep going. “Especially that first year in Gryffindor.” Logan glanced to Finn again. Leaning back in his chair now, half into Leo. “But I couldn’t. Of course I couldn’t.” Finn, standing in the apartment, that empty, empty apartment, and letting Logan break his heart all over again then taking him out to lunch anyway. “Thank God I couldn’t.”

Logan remembered looking around at the boxes in Pascal’s basement. Remembered it feeling like unpacking his things into Sirius Black’s room. The insanity of it all.

He’d been trying to decide what to do with the loads of team gear when he just—felt him there. Like he always did. Like nothing had changed and no time had gone by.

He’d turned and there Finn was, of course, palms braced on the top of the bedroom door’s frame, making shirt riding up to show a strip of pale skin at his hips.

Logan had pushed one headphone off his ear fast, wondering if he’d missed Finn saying something. He didn’t want to miss anything Finn ever wanted to say to him. Not after spending a year wondering if they would ever speak again.

“Rouge,” Logan said.

He saw the hurt of that name buckle through both of them. Finn he’d thought hard to himself. Call him Finn. Just Finn.

“Cap, Pots, and I came back early from the gym,” Finn had said. He wasn’t looking at Logan, but around the space. “Thought I’d come see your hideaway.” A small glance his way at that, and Logan felt the back of his neck warm. He wasn’t wrong. And Finn always chose his words so carefully.

Finn stepped forward, then again, then again, until he could take the shirt Logan was holding and shake it out, the screen printed 10 still stiff and sticking to itself. Finn held it up. Logan watched him read his name on the back. Logan wondered if he’d take it. He wanted him to take it.

But Finn only lowered the shirt and tossed it onto the unmade bed beside them. It left nothing between them. Just a little bit of space.

“Just a different, ah, whatever the word—thing of red,” Logan said softly. “Ouais? Different than school.”

“Hm,” Finn nodded. “Shade.”

“Shade,” Logan repeated and—well, he always ended up looking at Finn’s mouth. Maybe it was just habit when Finn’s brown eyes went to his, too.

A year. A year with hardly any of him, and now this. Feeling his body heat through his sweaty, gray gym shirt. He smelled. Sweat, the metal of weights. Not—good, anyone would say. But Logan knew that scent. He’d fallen to that scent.

Maybe he could get away with it. Just for a second. Just one. Just one kiss. Finn was looking at Logan like he wanted him to try.

Finn always seemed to want him to try. Try more, try harder, try again.

“You’re settling in nice,” Finn said quietly. “Just like you, getting your stuff everywhere.”

Logan hesitated, the nodded once.

The corner of Finn’s mouth went up. “You’re freaking out about it being Sirius’ room.”

Logan bit the inside of his cheek, but the smile came through anyway. As Finn laughed a bit, he nodded.

“I can’t believe…” Logan closed his eyes, laughing, too. “Fuck.”

And it must have been at dinner, sometime later, with Dumo and Celeste, or maybe they’d been outside messing around with the kids and the driveway’s basketball hoop. But Sirius had said something kind, so kind, and Logan had just wanted to—melt. Disappear. Not the most unfamiliar feeling in the world for him.

Yes, basketball. That must have been it. Logan could see it now, Sirius turning to go inside for the night, but stopping at the patio door and looking back at him and Finn—both too competitive with each other to stop the game and let the other one win.

“You two are going to be magic this season,” Sirius had said. “I watched all your tape from school.” He’d given them a small smile that Logan had quickly learned were, back then at least, exceedingly rare. “I can’t wait.”

It had left Logan feeling like he and Finn were still standing in the downstairs room. Sirius’ old room. A thousand open suitcases splayed for Finn to see the mess of. The mess that, somehow, through it all, Finn had still managed to find the toe of one, white sneaker. Finn was here written in dark sharpie. Apparently it didn’t need to be written down. Apparently it was all over Logan, standing there holding a basketball, jaw slack from the Sirius Black saying something about magic, and wanting to press his mouth against Finn’s in the summer evening so badly that he kept stepping forward without meaning to. And Finn, standing beside him, looking smug about the compliment, and sad about Logan. Like he knew everything. Of course Finn knew everything.

“You hear that, Ten? From Sirius Black himself,” Finn whispered. “We’re magic together.” He reached out and picked up the silver pendant on Logan’s chest. Gave it a soft tug, then stole the ball right out of Logan’s slack hands.

Had it really been so long, so unbearably long, until Leo? Logan had gone that long without blue eyes at midnight? Surely not. Surely he had never had to exist without that. Without Leo’s broad shoulders for him to hold beneath his palms, nose buried in Leo’s chest, splaying his palms down the gentle curve of his back.

Leo had first walked into the locker room with his hands in his pockets and a Saints ball cap on, gold hair flipping up around his ears. New teammate, yeah, but Finn’s new roommate.

Logan had gone downstairs to Sirius-Black’s-his-room and burned for an entire night, week, month, after finding that out. Burned every time they arrived to the rink together, left together, posted pictures together. And it wasn’t that Logan wasn’t there. He was. Leo just had what he’d given up.

And then Leo became his on the road. Sundaes and coming out from taking a shower and finding something old, something that made his heart ache: a boy reading a book under soft light in the bed beside his. And something new, too. Speaking French together across the couple of inches of carpet, late into the night because Finn? Finn fell asleep the moment he lay down. But Logan could hear a noise two doors down. It hadn’t taken him long at all to realize that, sometimes, Leo lay awake looking at the ceiling for half a night. Talking helped. Logan’s mint tea helped. Logan helped.

It all used to leave Logan staring at his own ceiling, back at Dumo’s, wondering if Leo was awake or able to sleep. Each little moment. Finding Leo in the equipment room, early days, taping his sticks for practice the next morning so he could sleep in, and suddenly finding the censored lights shutting off because they’d been sitting on the countertop for so long, heads bent together, talking.

Logan remembered the way Leo had looked in the dark. Surprised blue eyes one moment, then laughing a bit the next. Looks like we’re in our own world, then, huh?

Then, surprised in an entirely different way when Logan had jerked away. It had made the lights flick back on. Left them both blinking at each other in the bright buzz, nothing but the plastic smell of stick tape to cut through the air between them.

Same look Finn wore for him. Surprised, confused—and the wanting was there, too. Logan had been sure of it. It made it all ten times worse.

Back when being in New York had been at its worst, Logan had scrolled all the way back in the Lions’ Instagram and found those posts from Leo’s first months. Watched everyone in the comments fall in love with his smile, and that bashful, sure way of speaking about the game, about himself, his teammates. Watched him holding his mask for a camera and telling viewers about the meaning behind its spray paint. It hadn’t even had peanuts on it. Finn hadn’t called him that yet.

And there was the freezing airport, after Florida.

Crying in front of Finn should have felt easy by then. He’d certainly gotten close enough more times than he could count. But later, sitting on the edge of the bed that had finally begun to feel like his own, not Sirius’—Finn kneeling in front of him and being scared to touch him? That’d never get easier.

Logan remembered putting his palms on Finn’s cheeks. Wishing he could leave his thumbprints on his jaw. Remembered pushing his hair back once, watching the red slip through his fingers and Finn, just gazing up at him, so, so surprised. Logan had held him and watched the pink bloom on his skin, left behind by his touch just like it always was. And when had been the last time he’d touched Finn like that?

Leo had been shivering, just a little, the first time Logan kissed him. Smiled, sun-bright, at him afterwards, but shaking. Nervous, happy, disbelieving. But Logan had kissed him. And if he couldn’t find a way to thank Sirius, Remus, to make the brutal way it happened better…He’d keep trying to find one.

Logan’s heart had been stopped for years, he realized later. No one wanted to be shocked back to life, but it worked, the blood moved again, and his eyes opened and he could finally breathe.

~

Logan could hear the party from the parking lot. He chirped the car so that it locked and looked up to where there were lights strung on a high up balcony, and some very off-key singing.

“Oh boy,” Alex said from beside him. “They weren’t fucking kidding.”

Logan laughed, walking up the restaurant steps. He looked behind him briefly to check that Sirius was coming. He was, and fiddling with a button on his shirt. When they locked eyes, Sirius winced, probably worried he’d be coerced into singing. Logan winced back, and they grinned at each other.

“Who do you think—is that Kuny?”

“For sure,” Kasey said. “Jesus, what song is that?”

“Do you see Remus?” Sirius asked as Logan reached the door.

They all turned to look at him.

“From…” Alex began.

“Cap,” Logan said. “Does it look like I see Remus?”

“…I mean, we’re down here,” Alex finished, Kasey already laughing. “He’s on the roof, so.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Go, go.”

Logan, honestly, didn’t feel that he had much ground to stand on. He’d received a photo of Leo in a cowboy hat. He was looking a little too hard, too.

No looks from anyone inside. Of course not, if this was Remus’ doing. Even if there were fans in here, Remus wasn’t more to them than the boy most of them grew up loving. Well. There were looks, but not the hockey kind. Three of the college girls, spending the summer working here likely, tucked their hair behind their ears just looking between Logan and Kasey.

“Hello,” Alex said loudly. “How’s everyone doing, we’re just headed…” He pointed up.

“Go right on ahead, honey,” said one of the older women wiping down tables. “Party’s waiting for you—oh, well, there he is!” 

Logan bit his lip against a smile when they all looked at Sirius. Logan thought he’d stuff his hands in his pockets a bit at the attention. He wasn’t expecting the wide grin that Sirius gave the woman, and the way he strode forward to kiss both of her cheeks.

“Marianne,” he said. “How’s our boy doing up there?”

Marianne was definitely blushing. “Oh, music for days. And what a sweet blond he has, too—oh…” She snapped her fingers at one of the younger girls. “What did that cutie say his name was?”

“Leo,” one of the girls said softly—then looked right at Logan.

Oh, so they know. Logan crossed his arms and looked in the direction of the stairs. Good.

“What a sweetheart, an absolute sweetheart,” Marianne squeezed Sirius’ shoulder, then pointed to another woman. “Gave Rachel here a couple twirls around to—oh, what was the song?”

“Unwritten,” the same girl answered, and they were smiling a little now. Maybe used to this back-and-forth with Marianne.

“Leo is so great,” Sirius agreed. “He’s our goaltender, one of—well.” Sirius looked at Kasey.

“Guess you’ll meet your new one soon,” Kasey said.

“Oh, yes, he’s tall like that, isn’t he?”

Yes, Logan thought, and started slowly sidling towards the stairs. He could only talk about Leo for so long without itching to see him.

Alex snorted a soft laugh and mockingly bowed out of his way. Logan shoved him, sent a brief smile to the others, and jogged up.

It was more music than air up there. More dim lights than space. The bar stretched along one wall, but the tables had been pushed to the edges of the long, open room. The far wall was almost completely made of doors, the doors mostly window panes—all of which were thrown open to let in the warm night air.

And right to his left, there were two speakers set up, microphone cords leading from somewhere, and a TV screen with lyrics lighting up across it. The others filed up behind him. Alex gave a whoop when he saw that it was Natalie on stage with Evgeni.

Sirius stopped just long enough to clap a hand on Logan’s shoulder and say, “I think I did bachelor night wrong,” before being pulled aside by James.

“Non,” Logan was calling after him—he’d liked the fire—when a warm weight pressed all along his back, and a palm slid under the open neck of his shirt and against his chest.

“You’re wearing my shirt.” Finn pressed the words into his neck with a kiss.

Logan felt every bit of himself relax. He closed his eyes and leaned back against Finn’s warm weight.

You did it, he told himself. Here Finn was, all his.

Logan turned his head, but only got a face-full of red hair with the way Finn was ducked into him. “It’s my shirt.”

“Yeah,” Finn said. “But you wear it for me.”

Logan let his head fall back against Finn’s shoulder, then cursed, flinching hard when Finn’s fingers dug into his ribs.

“Harzy.” Logan turned tight and grabbed his wrists. “Why do you do that to me—”

They scuffled for a minute, shoulders pressed into each other’s chests, laughing through the grunts as they both tried to get the upper hand. Logan got it.

Finn, maybe, had let him, wrists out, grin looking—well. Like any long night and slow morning Logan could ever want.

“Old habits die hard. Had to find some way to touch you, right?” Finn slipped his wrists free and pushed his fingers through Logan’s hair so it pushed out of his eyes, off his temples. Logan felt pinned like this. Always had. “Get you to touch me.”

Logan set his palms over the back of Finn’s hands. Turned his head into the left one and kissed the inside of one wrist, still a little pink from Logan’s grip.

Finn smiled and released him, only to nudge him towards the balcony doors. “How was your night? What have you guys been up to?”

“Not this.” Logan looked back towards the stage—looking for Leo. “I made—oh, this is what.” Logan shoved Finn lightly. “I’m best at the fires, non?”

“Like, fire-fire? Camp fires?” Finn asked, then hooked their fingers together. “Wait, you want a drink? I’m getting you a drink.”

Logan tugged at the back of his t-shirt. “I am, right?”

Finn ignored him, talking and smiling at the bartender. Logan sighed and let his forehead rest in between his shoulders blades, feeling the heat of him through his shirt.

“Where’s Leo?” He said into the cotton.

“Outside,” Finn said, reaching back to tap his hip. “Why, because he’ll tell you you’re the best? Don’t you think we’re a little biased?”

Logan tilted his chin up, bit briefly but firmly at Finn’s shoulder, then slapped his ass.

“Ouch,” Finn said.

“Ouais.” Logan leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Come find us.”

The breeze was nice outside. It made the red and gold streamers that had been woven around the balcony flutter and wink. He was pulled into a harsh hug by Nado, and it was over his shoulder that he finally caught sight of Leo. The cowboy hat was no where to be found, but his hair was curly from the heat and mussed by where the hat had surely been. He stood with Lily and Remus, a rocks glass held loosely in one hand.

“And so when—” Remus was saying, only then he caught sight of Logan and his face opened up. “Oh, so he’s here, then?”

Logan laughed, nodding. “I thought he would have already reached you.”

“Hey-hey…” Leo’s smile sent something soft nudging right up against Logan’s heart. He opened his free arm for Logan to slide under. “When did you get here?”

“Right now.”

“James, too?” Lily asked, already shoving at Remus’ shoulder to get him to move.

Logan nodded as he took her stool so he could sit in front of where Leo stood. He stole his glass and took a sip.

“You’re not going to…” Leo laughed when Logan made a face. “Yeah, not gonna like that.”

Leo took it back, tilted it back far enough so the ice shifted against his mouth as he finished it off, then half-turned to set it on a high top behind him. Left his hands cold and free to press under Logan’s shirt and hold his hips. Crowd his space. His lips, when he ducked to press them to the corner of Logan’s mouth, were chilly, too.

“Did you like the photos I sent you?” Leo got in two more kisses before pulling back. He pinched one of the buttons of Logan’s shirt, flashing a grin before he undid it. “See Harzy yet?”

“He’s bringing me a drink.” Logan hooked an ankle around the back of Leo’s calf. “Those pictures were—how do you send me those when I’m not next to you?”

Leo’s grin only deepened and Logan pressed a thumb into one dimple. “Because it drives you crazy.” He stepped closer, pushing Logan’s thighs further apart with his knee. “You look hot.”

Logan rolled his eyes.

“No, you do.” Leo said. “Fuck, I’m the luckiest.”

“Everyone who works here is in love with you and they’ve known you for five minutes.”

“Mm, I know.”

Leo’s smile was loose in the way Logan liked. It wasn’t about the alcohol that his flushed cheeks revealed. It was an unguarded… Logan didn’t have the words. Anyway, it was that freckle that had appeared from the sun on Leo’s left cheek, just to the corner of his mouth. Logan had noticed. He pressed a thumb to it now, then to Leo’s bottom lip.

His agent had been bugging him about speaking. Speaking about the future. They had to get on the phone, they needed to talk, yes, yes, yes, but—

“Not more in love with you than me,” Logan said.

Leo just rolled his eyes, but kept Logan’ close. “Guess what?”

And by the way Leo’s eyes roamed for Finn, Logan could. “He’s good tonight?”

“So good, Lo. He’s so himself. I’ve been worried since the hit, but he seems so…I mean, just these last weeks, too. He’s really getting better.”

“I know. I told you he would.”

Logan had a small list in his head of things that kept Leo up at night. Finn had certainly been one of them. Logan was sure that, if he was going to be good for anything in this life, it was checking that list of things off for Leo.

That made Leo smile. His eyes went over Logan’s shoulder. Presumably to Finn. “I know…”

“All right, try this,” Finn’s voice came, and then a cool glass was being pressed into Logan’s hands. “Nice out here, right?”

“Yeah.” Leo reached out and passed soft knuckles over Finn’s cheek. “Perfect.”

Check, Logan thought.

“Do you think Re will get Sirius to sing?”

“Yes,” Leo said, just as Logan said, “No way.”

Finn laughed. “Bets?”

“Two hundred,” Logan said.

“Boring, money bags,” Leo said. He tilted his head at Logan. “I bet the middle spot.”

Logan narrowed his eyes. “Mm…” What was it Percy used to say? “Dirty pool.”

That made Leo tilt his head back and laugh.

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn pressed his smile into Logan’s hair. “Okay, Marshy.”

“What’s yours?” Logan asked.

Before Finn could answer, Alex’s arm wrapped around his shoulders and very nearly pulled him into a headlock before Leo’s hand shot out and gripped Alex’s hand.

“His shoulder, his shoulder, his shoulder,” Leo said quickly, and Alex’s arm relaxed, the pressure carefully turning into a pat on his brother’s cheek.

“Hi?” Finn said to him, then spluttered when Alex covered his face with his palm. “Alex.”

“I am taking you away,” Alex said, “to sing.”

“Oh man, okay.” Finn straightened, handing his whiskey to Logan. “We doing our usual?”

“You bet we are.”

Leo raised his eyebrows. “What’s your guys’ usual?” He looked at Logan, who just shook his head with a shrug.

Finn grinned. “You’ll see. And Lo here likes to sing Piano Man—”

“Non.”

“—because I took him to see the Patriots and the whole stadium sang it, and he’s going to sing it with me—”

“Non.”

“—later.”

“I don’t like to. Rum likes to.”

“Aw, cute.” Finn cupped Logan’s chin with an ice-cooled hand. “You keep on telling yourself that, Ten.”

Logan kept a hand behind him to make sure Leo stayed close as they followed them inside. Both of Leo’s palms encased his.

“You going to sing for me?” Logan asked, tilting his head back to see Leo, head against his shoulder.

“Duh,” Leo said. “Any requests?”

As usual, any and all American songs went right out of Logan’s head. The radio was one blur of sounds sometimes. He’d gotten dangerously close to using it for white noise during those first weeks in New York.

“The radio reminds me of you,” Logan said.

Finn wasn’t huge on radio music. He liked what he like, whereas Leo often could sing every word to every song. He had on the drive here.

“Oh yeah?” Leo draped an arm over Logan’s shoulder, pulling him back against his chest. “The whole thing?”

Finn and Alex were being handed the microphones. Finn was squinting down at his, trying to see if it was on Logan guessed, and Alex was exaggeratedly mouthing something at Sirius, who was rolling his eyes.

Only when the first notes of the song began to play did Logan understand. He groaned, half-turning into Leo’s warm chest.

“Oh, I bet you’re dead sick of this song,” Leo said.

“Of course he’s singing this fucking song.”

He shouldn’t be sick of this song, was the truth. He was a New York Ranger. He should love this song. This song meant his team had won. And yet.

“Start spreading the news…”

Alex laughed through his words. “I’m leaving today…”

Logan smiled when Finn stole a ball cap off of Jackson and turned it backwards on his head, dipping his chin down like it was some sort of fedora. “I want to be a part of it…”

Leo made a sort of scoff in his throat. “Disgusting. Hot.”

See, Finn would have no trouble with a speech. He’d have no trouble with any of it. He never did. Words came too fast. Always had. In his papers in college, in everything he’d said to Logan since the very beginning. All that Finn was, flying at him as fast as Logan could catch him. Even after one no after another.

Logan didn’t want to get dragged down by his mistakes. Not tonight. Not again. He pressed back harder, lifted his chin so that Leo got the hint and ducked down to press a soft kiss just beneath his jaw.

“He’s funny,” Logan said as the music swelled—notes a bit too high for either brother. “Oh God.”

Leo’s laugh was half wince. “Wow. Hold this.” Logan took his drink so Leo could get his phone out. The video began with the whole stage, but slowly Leo, with his arms wrapped around Logan, zoomed in close to Finn. Logan watched him through the camera. The shine of sweat on his neck. Finn looked different in hats. A little meaner than he really was, Logan supposed.

Logan flicked his eyes up from the image to the real thing, only to find Finn looking right at them, arm around Alex, laughing through the final note. Finn winked.

As the room burst into cheers, Leo flipped the camera around and Logan caught a split second glimpse of his own expression looking at Finn before the video caught up and it was just him and Leo, Leo tucking his grin against Logan’s temple. Logan turned towards it, reaching behind him to tangle his fingers in Leo’s hair.

“Hey,” Leo said in his ear after he’d stopped the recording. “Can I post this?”

“Ouais, of course.”

But he knew it wasn’t exactly an of course answer. He hadn’t—well. He had posted them, on Instagram. All of them sort of had. But—nothing like… Well, Natalie had so much of Alex and Kasey. Thomas and Noelle. Sirius and Remus were different, they didn’t really do Instagram. But Logan did, when he remembered, and Leo and Finn really did.

Leo didn’t comment, though. He just let Logan watch as he loaded the video into Instagram and watched it back once through the view of his story. He tapped and added three red hearts, then hit post.

So easy.

“Look at that,” Leo said, nodding towards where Finn’s red hair, sans hat now, was only just visible from the center of a group of people. “Classic.”

Logan reached for his back pocket. “Want to see what I want to post?”

Why was his heart going crazy?

Leo nodded. He settled on a stool. “Yeah, show me.”

Easy enough to find. He had a folder. He clicked it and handed Leo his phone.

Leo made a noise of surprise. A soft oh. He scrolled. And kept scrolling. And kept scrolling some more.

“Lo, this is like…” The smile nearly took over his voice. “This is years worth of photographs.”

Logan shrugged and took a sip of Leo’s melting drink. Watery, but cool in contrast to the warm kiss Leo pressed to his cheek.

“You little collector.”

Maybe. Leo clicked on a string of close-up photos of the way Finn’s eyelashes went fair in the sun.

“You’re gonna post this on Instagram?”

Logan shrugged again. “C’est beau.”

“This?”

His necklace against Leo’s broad chest.

“Mm…ouais.”

Leo just laughed. “It’s going to look like a shrine.”

Good, Logan thought.

The further back Leo went, Logan started to realize that he was looking for any school photos. Logan got a little warm feeling in his stomach when Leo did that. Like even after everything he knew about how Logan had been back then, Leo still wanted to know him.

“Oh, here we go,” Leo said triumphantly once he clicked on a photograph of Finn sprawled out on green grass somewhere. Slighter, younger, Logan’s shadow falling across his hips and chest like Logan had somehow caught his own, deepest wish on camera. To lie down beside him.

As if he could sense the sadness, even just the tinge of it, Leo began to scroll back towards the present. There. A photo Finn had taken of the three of them, shoulder to shoulder in the grass of Central Park. Logan was caught mid-laugh, eyes squeezed shut. Finn’s eyes were on the framing and the phone. Leo’s eyes were on Logan.

Logan looked up at Leo, who just smiled in a way that told Logan he knew exactly how well he’d just read Logan’s mind.

“I know you,” Leo said. “Won’t let you get lost in those shadows of yours. Especially not tonight.”

•

“Finn always says I’m not actually a quiet person,” Logan said—not to the crowd, though. This time, he kept his eyes on Sirius. “And maybe I’m not, but I do a really good job of making people think I am.”

More good laughs. They loosened something in his shoulders.

“And my father always said something that made me feel…ah, if not good about it, then a little better about it all. He said, it’s why I’m good at what I do. I’m not talking, so I’m watching. Observing.” Logan ducked his head a little, watching one toe of his sneaker scuff the grass. “Spent a lot of time looking at you, Cap. A lot.”

He could pick Remus’ laugh out. Easy. Risked a glance up at him and found his smile bright, aimed right at Sirius, one hand ruffling the dark hair at his nape.

“And I can especially recognize love. Anywhere. I can recognize love anywhere. I grew up with it, là, well, as a kid—it was just, everywhere.” Another risky glance Noelle’s way. No, he’d cry, he’d cry right now. “Everywhere. And I know how lucky I am to be able to say that.”

Sirius’ brow knit, and he nodded.

“And even when I left home for the first time, and came to the U.S.…more of it was there, too.” He looked at Finn. “Waiting for me.”

Finn winked at him. God, of course he did. Logan had to smother a too-broad smile with a rub of his hand.

“And then…” Leo was already leaning towards him, eyes bright. “When I thought all of my—almost all of my dreams came true. That that was all the dreaming I would get—there it was again.”

Leo pressed his fingers to his mouth then held them out towards Logan.

Remus turned in his seat to look at them, then back to the stage. He looked light. Both of them did. The lightness that Logan had thought so strange on both of them, in the beginning.

“I’m trying really hard not to make this sound like it’s all about me.” He rolled his eyes when Sirius shrugged and jokingly wavered his hand. “But I’m trying to say…” He looked pointedly at Sirius. “In English, remember. I’m trying to say that I saw the—the happiness all over you and it meant more to me than I even realized. Because I wasn’t letting myself feel anything like that. And…”

Logan let out a breath. “And you changed my life in every way. It feels like coming home. And I just couldn’t be happier for you both.”

And if, when Sirius got up to hug him tightly, Logan tried to tell him everything again with his cheek pressed against his shoulder, blanketed by their family clapping and whistling—well, that was just for the two of them to know.

“You saved my life,” Logan said hoarsely. Because that was the word. Changed, fine. But saved, too.

“Tremz,” came Sirius’ voice in his ear. Soft and more tears than not.

“Love you,” Logan said, because that would have to do. He’d have to hear everything in that because Logan’s throat was too tight for more right then. “A lot. No matter what.”

•

And maybe it wasn’t Logan’s wedding day, but he woke up and felt different.

He knew Leo was awake by the feeling of a hand running through his hair.

The sun came in slanted across the three suits hanging against the wardrobe. That shouldn’t have felt different. That was a game-day sight. But it did. Something about the cufflinks set out beside them. The shoes. Something about the sun, and the water, and Finn sitting up against the headboard with a cup of coffee and a book. Logan pulled Leo closer and turned his face to rub a cheek against Finn’s hip.

“They’re getting married today,” Leo mumbled, eyes still closed.

“They are,” Finn said, reaching out to smooth a hand over Leo’s bare shoulder.

He looked down at Logan, and Logan remembered something that he’d never really forgotten. But he wasn’t sure they’d told Leo. No. No, he hadn’t. Maybe he’d been dreaming about it, maybe they’d been back on Professor Holly’s balcony and Finn had that book in his hand—

He hadn’t, actually, ever even told Finn. Not really.

“Rouge,” he said. Finn nodded once, listening. “The poem.”

Finn blinked, confused. “The poem?”

There was a window sill, and a red book, and Finn’s handwriting, circling words and writing his name.

“Gold,” Logan said—because Finn would know. He’d know. “The gold that doesn’t break. Leo should know the poem.”

He watched Finn realize. A slow, cracking open of his expression.

“You saw that,” Finn said. “God, I knew it…”

“What?” Leo asked. “Is this a story?” He rested his chin on Logan’s chest. “I thought I knew all the stories.”

“It’s…” Not really a story. “It’s something that…”

But Logan didn’t know what to call it.

“Such will thou be to me,” Finn began to recite, frowning as he tried to remember, then his face smoothing out again when he did. “Who must, like the other foot, obliquely run.”

Leo sat up a little, palm on Logan’s chest. He was grinning, fully awake now. “A poet this morning…”

Finn closed his book and set his coffee down. He rolled until he was leaning over the both of them. He’d been outside. Not to run, but for a walk, or maybe just to sit. Logan could smell the early sun and woods on him when he ducked to kiss Logan’s mouth, then the side of his nose. He kissed Leo’s cheek, then his chin, before Leo got a hand in his hair and pulled him back to his mouth again.

“Noelle found me when I was entirely distracted by a certain someone taking over our ice for the first time,” Thomas said, then pointed right at Finn, who was already shaking his head, arms crossed. “Anyone here not know the story of the time Loops dangled Harzy so bad he fell clean over?”

Finn threw his hands up, Leo laughing. Finn threw a hand at Kasey. “And beat the Blizzard! No one ever includes that.”

“I don’t deny it,” Kasey called back.

“Well, Loops,” Thomas said into the microphone, eyes on Remus. “Didn’t I promise to stir up some rehearsal dinner chaos?”

~

But Thomas found other things while not looking. He’d found the photograph that way. Mostly, he’d been curious. Remus on the ice had made him curious. Maybe he and Remus had crossed paths at college. Maybe they’d been this close to sharing the ice. Sharing a thousand shifts.

Remus Lupin ice hockey got him a lot of dead links. Which, no, that wasn’t what he’d wanted. He’d wanted team photographs. A bio. Statistics. But here was an interesting find anyway.

He didn’t know if Remus had looked. Didn’t know if he was allowed to bring it up—especially not then. Remus hadn’t even been on the team yet. It’d still been more colleague than friend between them.

But now they did share the ice. And Thomas had done his best to hold steady while Remus’ entire life changed beneath his feet, and he would speak at his wedding, and, right now, he was watching Remus and Leo, both wearing hockey helmets, sing a song Thomas wished he knew, if only to sing along.

And for some reason, against the drinks making him buzz pleasantly, and the arm Noelle had around his waist, all Thomas could think about were dead links and the sheer lack of photographs, and—Fenrir Greyback. The way that man sounded on the ice, the cruel, spitting whine of him.

Noelle’s hand came up to rub at his chest, the way it always did when—well, she just knew him, didn’t she? Didn’t have to search at all.

“What’s up, coeur?” She said beneath the music. She didn’t look concerned, exactly, broke long enough for a smile when Leo tried to hit a high note, but her hand remained, thumbs swiping gently over the fabric of his t-shirt. “You look a little…contemplative? For karaoke.”

He could tell her. Right now, he could tell her. Talk it all out to her. Explain why his throat felt so tight every time he so much as looked at the speech he’d written. Thomas felt like he’d overcome quite a few odds in this small game of theirs. And Remus? No, it wasn’t as if he’d done it alone, having Sirius Black in your corner helped. But Remus had all but rewritten his odds. And he was still doing it.

“I’m good,” Thomas said. Thomas tucked his fingers snug against Noelle’s waist. Remus looked at him from the stage—exactly then. Bright eyes, hair pushed back, arm around Leo’s waist as they sang some part together, completely off-beat because they were laughing too hard. It made Thomas laugh.

The surprising things about Remus Lupin—and this he’d put in his speech. The surprising thing about Remus Lupin was that he really could just…make you forget you were in pain. At least, he could dull it. Bruised ribs. Puck-split lip. Thomas looked down at Noelle. A little heart-sick over wanting your teammate’s older sister.

Didn’t mean Thomas could forget Remus’, though. Dead links and that scar on his shoulder that caught the light every day in the dressing room. Guys asked. Guys who didn’t really know. Not the most uncommon thing, to ask after scars. And Remus was good. Bright smile, throw-away laugh and a shrug. Sirius was not to good. Tight eyes and a firm look to the guy asking that would have had even James with his hands up and tail between his legs. It’d made Thomas go back and check, just once. Dead links. One team photograph. Kind of blurry, actually. Remus and Fenrir, though, dead center. Grinning.

On stage, Remus tilted his head at him, still smiling into his microphone. Thomas smiled a bit back. There it is. Remus Lupin: A couple drinks in, music blaring, and wondering if Thomas was all right.

“I’m good.” He dropped a kiss to Noelle’s temple. “Never heard anyone sing this song like this, is all.”

Noelle laughed. “Ouais, sounds right.” She turned into him, reaching up to lace her fingers at the back of his neck. Gorgeous like this, is what Thomas thought. And they had a whole summer.

He pressed her hair away from her face with soft hands. “Hey—whole summer.”

“Whole summer,” Noelle nodded. She tilted her chin up, hardly even asking before Thomas ducked to kiss her.

She was smiling by the time he pulled back.

“You know…” Noelle reached up and pressed a thumb over his bottom lip. He’d seen her mom do that to her dad more than once. Sweet, how it carried over. “We’re at Sirius fucking Black’s wedding. Well, almost.”

“That, we are.”

“I really do like weddings.”

If he could love her more, right then, he would’ve. Well, no—he could always, always love her more. A hundred times over. Especially when she scrunched her nose at him and laughed.

“Oh, yeah, Christmas.” Thomas squeezed her hips. “I’m keeping that in mind, don’t you worry.”

•

“Crowds aren’t always my thing,” Kasey said, and the tables laughed. Alex had a hand half over his mouth, grinning. He’d nodded when Kasey said that, but it wavered into something more of an unsure gesture. Always thinking the best of him, Kasey guessed. How he always got away with that, Kasey didn’t know. He cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes. Gift from Alex. Scuffed at the toes. “But I really love these guys, so, hey.”

Natalie had her fingers in Alex’s hair, and Kasey watched as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Beautiful night. If he had to give a speech—and he did want to, it just wasn’t like his heart was calm, exactly, in his chest—at least there was a warm breeze and the lingering smell of sun, sand, and firewood. At least he wasn’t so much on a stage as he was just standing in front of Sirius and Remus. In front of the family they shared. And what more was a good locker room than that? Leo was leaning forward in his seat with that massive rookie-smile on his face. Kasey used to wonder when he was going to stop looking at him like that. There was really nothing awe-inspiring about him. Except maybe his capacity for hurting himself—in all the ways.

Now, after it all, the final game and the final unbuckling of the pads, he sort of hoped Leo never stopped looking at him like that.

Kasey cleared his throat. “I think I’m speaking for any of the players here, any of my teammates—guess we have some Rangers here, too. For some reason.” He glanced at Logan. “Hey, that got me a good old, vintage Tremblay glare.”

Laughs. He was doing fine.

“I speak for everyone when I say that Remus Lupin saved our asses more times than we can count.”

“Damn right,” Thomas called out. Noelle shushed him, but not really. He appreciated the microphone squeaking a bit, bringing on the loud ha that was Alex’s and Alex’s alone. He glanced over to see that Natalie had a hand over his mouth. Kasey knew exactly what she was whispering to him. You’re so loud.

“Yeah.” Kasey rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. Snuck a glance at Remus. “He’s been saving me for a long time. Or, I guess I’d been having problems for a long time. I would just—spiral. Like, you wouldn’t believe—yeah, I see you nodding, Lupin.”

Remus waved him off, smile closed-lipped and eyes a little bright. They’d spent so much time together now that Kasey could say it wasn’t just Remus who had seen him fight tears—or, really, lose the fight to them. It went both ways now.

“When you’re hurt,” Kasey said, “and it keeps coming back. It’s just this looming…thing. Like someone standing behind you, waiting to strike again.”

Sirius’ arm went around Remus’ back, thumb rubbing soft circles over his shoulder.

“It’s really easy to feel out of control. Scary easy. And then nothing in life feels like it’s even yours. Just things that are happening to you. Which is a terrible feeling.”

That was too much. Jesus, how depressing was that? What was he even saying? But also Sirius Black was sitting there, nodding like he understood. So. Kasey couldn’t be all wrong.

“I am—um. God, I promise this speech isn’t about me.” More laughs. He gave them a smile in return. “I’m retired. I retired. I think people know that, sorry, it’s all right, though. Left y’all in good hands.” He waved a hand at Leo. “Sunshine face.”

Leo tilted his head back and laughed.

“God, here’s what I’m…trying to say.” Kasey realized he’d started walking back and forth a little and stopped. Looked at Remus, because looking to Remus had always been the most steadying thing in the room. Especially when Natalie hadn’t been there. When Alex had been in another city, and they hadn’t patched things up exactly, but he’d known Natalie, Natalie had known him, and they’d got on like fire and fucking wood, and Kasey’s thigh ached, tearing slowly apart, and his heart ached, one half in each of their hands. And Remus had just seemed to know. That sometimes those aches got so tangled up, it was hard to tell the difference.

“It takes a pretty incredible person to make you feel like you can just…be easy with them. Laugh and hang out the same day you maybe lost it a little bit earlier in their office. No embarrassment. No questions asked—except the pain scale ones. Jesus, Lupin, how do you always know when we’re lying?”

Remus was definitely crying a little now. The tears were thick in his laugh and it brought a tightness to Kasey’s throat, too, oh God.

“I got the big dream when I thought I would,” Kasey said. He gestured to the team. “This dream we all have. Even if it ended early, I got it. And you got yours, finally and long overdue. And after everything you did for me—hours, fucking hours of just…” He glanced at Julian, spitting image of Remus, and wondered briefly if he should swear. But fuck it, that kid should hear this. All of this. “Hours of just working with me, talking me out of my own head…” Yeah, Kasey was going to cry, but he fought through the words. “Loops, I got to play behind you, I got to watch you find Cap, and I just—couldn’t have asked for anything more for you. And you deserve absolutely everything.”

~

The idea of karaoke had sent everyone inside wondering what to wear, but Kasey was fine in his sweatshirt and shorts, so. 

He stayed by the Lupins’ fire pit. Thought about what it’d be like to give his speech in a few days time and tried not to get nervous about it.

He’d been thinking a lot about Florida, actually. Which had nothing to do with his speech. And everything, actually. That roadie, and then the world stopping in Gryffindor’s airport. He was sure Florida meant a thousand different things to Remus and Sirius now, but Florida would always mean Alex for Kasey. Maybe even especially now.

He used to just—forget, really. What to do with himself when he was in the same city as Alex. Playing there and being in the sunshine was probably very relaxing for everyone else. Must have been nice.

He used to stare up at the ceiling when he should have been napping. Should’ve been enjoying the warm weather. Should’ve found an open rooftop and had dinner. Night swim in the steam-curled outdoor pool?

Kasey watched the embers ebb and wane with the slight breeze and thought about last season. Thought about all the boys planning that beach day. Watching the visitor’s locker room after a morning skate and seeing that everything was just a little different. Logan had been somber, but Remus—Remus had had some sort of…new lightness to him.

Grinning more than usual maybe? It’d been hard to tell because—well. All Kasey had seemed to be able to do was wait for dark red hair and brown eyes to appear around every corner. (Last year had maybe been the peak of Finn making Kasey jump. Caught out of the corner of his eye, he was a ghost).

(Now Kasey was pulling Alex’s chair closer around campfires, but still).

Still. He thought about Florida. About thinking about New York in Florida. Thigh burning while he tried to sleep and heart tight at the thought of airport kisses, and the way city lights blurred through rainy New York cab windows. One night—a final night, so it would turn out—of tracing marble pale skin with his mouth. Never thought of such a bustling city as a hometown before but, back in New York, with Alex, it had felt like one. Somehow.

And he thought about that roadie, where he’d only just secured a towel around his waist, wiping the mirror clear of steam when a knock on his door had muffled its way through the room.

Dumo, maybe, about dinner, or Finn and Logan.

Another round of knocking, two fists on the door, a mess of it. Finn and Logan, then.

“Coming,” Kasey remembered calling. And something about calming down, and then the knocking not stopping, if anything it had just picked up its pace. Sharp taps that formed some sort of pattern, bum-bum-ba-bum. It’d had Kasey rolling his eyes and yanking open his hotel room door.

“Jesus, guys, I’m—”

Not Finn and Logan. Kasey wasn’t sure what he’d felt, actually, opening that door. Cold from the hallway’s AC or warm all over from—

“Alex,” he’d said. Because, yeah—Alex. Standing in the hallway with a big O’Hara grin on his face—hard to look at when Finn did it—and wearing navy shorts and a white t-shirt. Stupid tan boat shoes and no socks. God.

“Hi, Winter.”

Kasey had just stared at him. Too much. From just thinking, worrying, wondering about seeing him, to all of Alex—right here. Kasey’s remembered clutching the band of his towel, low on his hips. He’d thought he’d be waving Finn and Logan off to let him get ready, not standing in front of…

“What are you—Hi.” Kasey glanced down the hallway. The purely Lions-filled hallway. “What…”

Alex had made a big show of frowning, like he’d forgotten why he was there. Tapped the pockets of his shorts like he’d lost something before slipping his hands inside, nice and easy. Like seeing Kasey didn’t affect him at all.

In the fire pit in front of Kasey, the charred wood shifted down, sending sparks up.

In the memory, Alex leaned against the doorway. “I mean…pretty sure I’m about to take you to dinner. So.”

Kasey had some type of stone ruin in his chest, Alex’s, that crumbled just a little more at the way he talked.

Alex’s eyes flicked down to his waist, the towel’s fragile tie around Kasey’s hips. “Is that what you’re wearing?” That stupid poke of his tongue in the corner of his mouth as he smiled. “Damn. Now I feel overdressed.”

“Those shoes are stupid.”

“Thank you.”

The memory tangled after that. Kasey felt his eyes unfocus, the fire just a blur of color and light. He touched his mouth. Not that Alex had kissed him that night. But he’d… He’d asked after Natalie. Does she miss me? Yes, was the answer. There’d been one night, a summer one, where he and Natalie had gone to New York. They were meant to see Alex once. Just dinner. Kasey hadn’t known what the fuck his problem was, wanting two people, and he certainly hadn’t been able to read that same problem all over Nat yet. So, one dinner. A start and an end. Just to see him. Just to watch the way Alex was.

But this was Alex O’Hara. This was Natalie Darcy. And Kasey could have watched them make each other laugh forever. Natalie putting her hand on his thigh, Alex’s arm stretched behind Kasey in a booth. So dinner had turned into bars after. Bars after, brunch the next morning. Brunch the next morning, a second late night dinner. Late dinner, Alex walking them to their hotel, drinks in the bar. Drinks in the bar…Alex had left for his own apartment. His own bed. Barely, maybe, yes, maybe there had been a few tight moments of barely, but he had. Kasey using the bathroom in the hotel lobby, picturing Alex coming upstairs with them for so long that someone had had to knock on the door twice. Alex standing up—he’d slid right next to Natalie while Kasey had been gone, of course he had—to let him back into his seat and asking, teasing, fall in?

Yeah. Fell into something, for sure. Falling into whatever the hell this was.

Their hotel room door had shut and he and Natalie had just stood there inside, looking at each other. Natalie in that sheer green dress she loved. No bra. It’d been a humid night, but her breasts—well, cold hotel room. Kasey felt like he could see every curve of her.

“Kase…” she’d whispered. She’d pressed a hand low on her own hips, the other squeezing his shoulder. “Kasey.”

Kasey had pressed her right up against the door with a kiss, one she laughed into as her hands making the buckle of his jeans clink against the pull-down zing of his zipper. She’d put one leg around his waist until he could sink into the soaked warmth of her—all for the love of Alex fucking O’Hara. With his brown, candlelight eyes. It had been fast, a little frantic, Kasey making Natalie come against the door. She’d straddled his hips on the bed, then, dress rucked up. She’d let the straps off her arms so the silk pooled below her breasts. Kasey let his warm hands span her waist and she’d looked at him through their haze, hand between them, guiding his cock back into her. Rode him until the turn-down service was a mess, and with nothing but the lights of Alex’s city to wash all over them.

God, he was knotted up in the memories. New York—all of that two summers ago in New York, and then Florida, Alex showing up at his door, dinner, and then laying in bed afterwards, alone. Didn’t matter that he felt like a live wire at the image of Alex and the way he brushed his knuckles against his mouth when he smiled. Alex fucking O’Hara, how’s Nat, she miss me? Got him half-hard in the middle of some stupid open-air patio restaurant, just by looking at him.

Rough game, Florida. Rough time in general, of course. Calm before the storm, really. And still, Kasey’d never forget asking Remus, while he was taping up his thigh, if something was different. You seem happy, Kasey had said, if only because, with his own heart so heavy in his ribs, Remus’ lightness had glowed bright like a sun. Remus had smiled at him. Really smiled, even with warm hands trying to loosen the stubborn muscles of Kasey’s leg. Yeah, Bliz, thanks. I…I think I really am.

The wind changed direction. Smoke in Kasey’s face, and arms coming from behind, cheek pressing against his.

“Found you,” Alex whispered into his skin, then bit soundly at his jaw.

One corner of Kasey’s mouth lifted. “Yeah, you did.”

“You gonna sing a song with me?” Alex asked. He smelled like burnt sugar and lake water. Reminded Kasey of the Hampton House. Where everything clicked together. Of course—until he’d almost ruined everything by thinking too hard. By thinking too hard and with a diamond ring. The usual.

Kasey brought his hand up to hold Alex’s wrists where they were clasped over his chest.

“Come on.” Alex pressed the words into his skin. “Or Nat and I will sing at you.”

“Is that a threat? Because it’s not one.”

Alex just pressed his face into Kasey’s neck. Kasey closed his eyes.

“You’re sitting out here all alone,” Alex whispered.

Kasey knew that. He reached back to put a hand on the back of Alex’s neck, thumb tracing until he could feel the chain of his diamond. “I’m thinking about you.”

“Oh.” Kasey felt Alex’s body tense against him. Not in a bad way. Just thinking. “Well, then I guess I can leave you to it.”

Kasey gave the chain a light yank. “Those stupid shoes you used to have.”

“Oh.” Came out in three syllables through Alex’s laugh. “I brought those—”

“No, no, no.”

Alex released him, pushing himself upright off of Kasey’s shoulders. “Let me just go—”

But Kasey had already pushed himself up, too. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to catch Alex, even with the way he was jogging backwards towards the cars. Maybe Alex slowed down a lot so that Kasey could snag him, arm thrown around his shoulders. Alex put his arm around Kasey’s waist, grinning. Kasey couldn’t look at him for too long, he’d get some sort of stupid look on his face.

“You don’t have to worry about your speech,” Alex said as they stopped just shy of the porch steps. Kasey could hear the others inside, yelling to each other. James’ voice above the others.

And, yeah, Kasey was worried. But he worried about almost everything. But right now Alex’s hair was still messy from swimming earlier and he’d gotten too much sun on the bridge of his nose, the tops of his cheeks. And he was still, just—God, he still had the look of winning on him. Every part of him built up and pressing against the t-shirt he was wearing. Kasey didn’t think too much about it before he reached forward and pressed a thumb down from the center of his chest—right where the diamond lay beneath the fabric—and followed the strong line of his stomach all the way down to the tie of his shorts.

When he flicked his eyes back up, Alex was staring at him, eyebrows raised.

“Well.” Alex cleared his throat. “Hi.”

Fine. Kasey would let the stupid expression go all over him, if only to see the way, when he smiled, Alex’s eyes lit up, too.

“Stupid shoes,” Kasey said quietly.

“Hm,” Alex said.

“Oh, come on. Allez, allez—” Logan banged out of the screen door. His sweatshirt was gone, replaced by a dark green button-down that Kasey had basically come to think of as his time-to-drive-Finn-nuts shirt. Fine, maybe Leo called it that. Not you, too? Kasey had asked him. Leo had just smiled. He wears the grey one for me.

Logan frowned down at Kasey from the top step. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Alex snorted. “Oh, oh okay, mister I-owned-ten-versions-of-the same-t-shirt-for-most-of-my-life.”

Kasey put his hands in his pockets and nodded to the grassy ground in front of him. “Why don’t you come down here and say that again, Tremzy?”

Logan narrowed his eyes, jogging down to stand in front of Kasey. Kasey pushed up on his toes once, just for effect, and Logan shoved him. Kasey put both hands on his shoulders and gave him a shake. He’d missed him.

“We’re going to a bar,” Kasey said. Then, he flicked the space where Logan’s shirt was half undone. “Wouldn’t exactly call this wearing a shirt, frat boy.”

Logan just grinned. “Ouais.”

Alex groaned, turning with them to walk to the car. “You can’t just say ways to everything.”

“Ouais.”

Car doors slamming and radios turning on after that. Kasey found himself in a dark backseat with Alex’s face lit up by his phone, typing out a text.

Kasey didn’t think too hard, didn’t worry, when he brushed a gentle knuckle to Alex’s chin, got him to look up, and leaned over and pressed a kiss to his mouth. Logan was talking fast French in the driver’s seat, and Regulus was mumbling back from beside him. There might as well have been a dividing ocean in the leather seats between them. For all Kasey cared, it was deep brown eyes looking at him, and that was all there was.

“Let’s go have fun with everyone,” Kasey whispered, just for him, then leaned in, mouth brushing Alex’s ear, just to be sure, “but I want you tonight.”

Alex made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cough, and let his head drop back against the seat.

“D’accord,” Logan said, shifting the car into drive. “Ready?”

“Yep,” Kasey said to him. Alex’s phone light timed out, going dark, and they grinned at one another in the new dark.

“Oh, come on. Allez, allez—” Logan banged out of the screen door. His sweatshirt was gone, replaced by a dark green button-down that Kasey had basically come to think of as his time-to-drive-Finn-nuts shirt. Fine, maybe Leo called it that. Not you, too? Kasey had asked him. Leo had just smiled. He wears the grey one for me.

Logan frowned down at Kasey from the top step. “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Alex snorted. “Oh, oh okay, mister I-owned-ten-versions-of-the same-t-shirt-for-most-of-my-life.”

Kasey put his hands in his pockets and nodded to the grassy ground in front of him. “Why don’t you come down here and say that again, Tremzy?”

Logan narrowed his eyes, jogging down to stand in front of Kasey. Kasey pushed up on his toes once, just for effect, and Logan shoved him. Kasey put both hands on his shoulders and gave him a shake. He’d missed him.

“We’re going to a bar,” Kasey said. Then, he flicked the space where Logan’s shirt was half undone. “Wouldn’t exactly call this wearing a shirt, frat boy.”

Logan just grinned. “Ouais.”

Alex groaned, turning with them to walk to the car. “You can’t just say ways to everything.”

“We could get…” Finn nods to a sign. “Library hot chocolate.”

I follow his gaze to a small stand with a steaming cup painted on a sign.

“We’re at a football game.”

“Yeah, but—I don’t know, I sort of feel like every hot chocolate I get with you should be library hot chocolate.”

I adjust my beanie, pulling it lower as our breath fogs between us. “Ouais, I want.”

I stay close to his shoulder as he walk through the crowds. I guess he doesn’t want to lose me because suddenly he’s reaching behind his back and he’s got his hand around my wrist. The crowd presses in so close that all of our coats just become a blur of sheeny fabric and snow dewing up on fabric, so. So.

I turn my palm up into his and lace our fingers together.

When he squeezes back, I just don’t think winning a trophy could be better than that.

When he looks back over his shoulder and smiles at me…

Well, suddenly we’re out of the crush, and his hand slips out of mine easily before the open air but he throws that arm around my shoulders and keeps me close. He stops in front of the vendor and looks up at the menu as if there’s so much to choose from. But it’s really only hot cocoa and adding peppermint to it.

“Do you feel the way about peppermint as you do about mint tea?”

“Mm…” Wrinkle my noise. “Non. Just the chocolate.”

I don’t realize I’m expecting, waiting, wanting him to order for me until he’s doing it.

“Hi there, we’re looking for…” And he looks up at the menu just to give the girl behind the counter some time because she’s just dropped a stack of empty paper cups.

“Sorry, sorry,” she says, rising and tapping at the register. “Sorry, I—yeah. Cool. What can I get you?”

“No, all good, we were still deciding.” Big smile. Blinds me and it’s not even aimed at me. “Could we just do two hot chocolates, please? Love the idea of peppermint, but no peppermint.”

I tilt my temple onto his shoulder, then realize what I’m doing and stand up straight. His arm gets heavier around me.

“Any whipped cream on that? Marshmallows?”

“Yes to both for one, but not the other.”

I go for my wallet but Finn nudges me no and pays with a wrinkled twenty dollar bill. Shows me there’s a heart written by someone in pen on it, blue ink, then hands it over. We step aside to let the next person go up and I lose a few seconds pretending we’re alone. And different. And that I’m better.

He leans back against a wall as we wait, sneaker toes touching mine. “Library doesn’t ask us if we want whipped cream.”

Kasey should be enjoying the warm weather with the rest of the guys. Florida had a lot to offer that was out of the ordinary. He could see if some of the guys wanted to go find an open rooftop to have dinner. Night swim in the outdoor pool. They were all planning a beach day for tomorrow. He should be enjoying himself.

Instead, all he seemed to be able to do was wait for dark red hair and brown eyes to appear around the next corner.

Finn still made him jump sometimes. Caught out of the corner of Kasey’s eye, he was a ghost.

Kasey tilted his face up to the warm shower spray and let the roar of the water fill his ears.

Airport kisses and that way city lights blurred through rainy cab windows. Never thought of such a bustling city as a hometown before but, back in New York, with Alex, it had felt like one. Somehow.

He’d just secured a towel around his waist, wiping the mirror clear of steam when a knock on his door muffled its way through the room.

Dumo, maybe, about dinner, or Finn and Logan.

Another round of knocking, two fists on the door, a mess of it. Finn and Logan, then.

“Coming,” Kasey called. “Calm down, damn.”

But the knocking didn’t stop. If anything they picked up their pace. Sharp taps that formed some sort of pattern, bum-bum-ba-bum. It had Kasey rolling his eyes and walking out of the bathroom fast to yank open his hotel room door.

“Jesus, guys, I’m—”

Not Finn and Logan. Kasey wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Cold from the hallway’s AC, or warm all over from—

“Alex,” he said. Because, yeah—Alex. Standing in the hallway with a big O’Hara grin on his face—hard to look at Finn when he did it—and wearing navy shorts and a white t-shirt. Stupid tan boat shoes and no socks. God.

“Hi, Winter.”

Kasey just stared at him. Too much. From just thinking, worrying, wondering about seeing him, to all of him right here. Kasey’s hand went to the band of his towel, low on his hips. He’d thought he’d been waving Finn and Logan off to let him get ready not—not standing in front of—

“What are you—doing? Hi. What…”

Alex made a big show of frowning, like he’d forgotten. Tapped the pockets of his shorts like he’d lost something before slipping his hands inside.

“I mean…” Alex leaned against the doorway. “Pretty sure I’m about to take you to dinner. So.”

Kasey had some type of stone ruin in his chest, Alex’s, that crumbled just a little more at the way he talked.

Alex’s eyes flicked down to his waist, the towel’s fragile tie around Kasey’s hips. “Is that what you’re wearing?” That stupid poke of his tongue in the corner of his mouth as he smiled. “Damn. Now I feel overdressed.”

“Those shoes are stupid.”