Raja, Aja, and Jaja

  New message from little Flint Princess!

These are all people who had kids because it was ‘the next logical step’. Like they have this mentality of ‘Marriage? Check. House? Check. Well, guess we better have kids!’ And then bring small dependant humans into the world…and get upset when their lives are inconvenienced or changed as a result.

It really saddens me because there’s this damaging culture of children being part of the standard. So people who shouldn’t be parents (and I mean that in the simplest of terms - not in a judgemental way, but a ‘it’s just not for you’ way) feel pressured to have children and regret it. And then the poor child grows up feeling like a burden.

It’s not fair on anyone. The parents, the children.

As a post on this site once said - children and the decision to parent should be ‘hell yes or hell no’. If you think for any reason at all that you might not be big on raising kids, do not actively go out of your way to have kids. Having them won’t magically make you want them.

All the people I know who wanted - really wanted - their kids and to raise kids have said ‘it’s difficult but I LOVE it. I love being a parent.’

Can we please eliminate the idea that parenting should suck? And that having children is a necessary part of adulthood?

And can we please eliminate the idea that people who don’t want children are somehow lacking? And that those who do want children are doomed to misery?

Kids do ruin everything, in the sense that you can’t grasp the scope of change they inflict until it happens. Everything changes, and no one expects just how much “everything” encompasses.

That doesn’t mean parenting isn’t rewarding! It doesn’t mean that these kids who have changed their parents’ lives aren’t loved. Parenting is hard work, and can bring you to tears, but then your kids delights you with something adorable they say or do. Or they spontaneously hug you and tell you they love you. Or they have a magic moment of really, genuinely caring for a sibling they mostly fight with. Or they wow you with their creativity and brilliance.

So don’t imagine that parents are regretting their decision to have kids when they say their kids ruined everything. They are acknowledging how their lives have changed, and they are commiserating with other parents, and they are (utterly futilely) trying to explain to people considering or planning on having kids just how big a deal it is.

This was not about parenthood ‘not being hard’, or children not drastically changing your life.

This was about the culture that surrounds people having children only because they feel it is the next logical step by society’s standards - about the parents I have met who GENUINELY dislike being parents and would rather not have had children, had they not felt like it was their obligation to. The ‘wine mom’ culture of women who shouldn’t have been parents laughing bitterly over their third glass of Chardonnay and telling you ‘Don’t do it, your life will be over!’ with absolute sincerity and trying to mask it as a joke.

But, you know, reading comprehension is overrated when instead you can be a belittling dick on a nearly three year old post. 

Ps. I still think it’s bullshit to say kids ‘ruin your life’. They change it. They turn it upside down. But to actively use the word ‘ruin’ is - bullshit, in my opinion. If you genuinely feel your life was ruined by your children, maybe you are one of the aforementioned individuals who had children out of societal pressure and not because you wanted to have children.

Sure, there are people who had kids for the wrong reasons. Some of them turn into great parents, many don’t. There are also people who had kids for all the right reasons and discover that they hate it and regret it. It’s literally impossible to be sure that you’re suited to parenthood, and we’re all making it up as we go. But it’s the height of arrogance to shit on parents for expressing their stress and even their regrets.

I never ‘shit on’ anyone. I shit on the overall culture that puts these poor parents into the situation of feeling like children were necessary/the next step.

This entire post was about how we need to remove the stigma surrounding people not wanting children, and instead talk more about how having children shouldn’t ruin your life - and that acting like new parents are going to be doomed to eternal misery is a shitty thing to do and doesn’t help break down those social expectations in any way. 

All I said was ‘Man, society sucks, we should be able to reach a point where children aren’t an expected part of adult life so more people enter into parenthood willingly, as ready as they can be, and most importantly, enthusiastically!’