Kiwies

I am Ame. my name was an awkward typo of Amaterasu, which funnily enough ended up sticking. I am biologically male but I identify as female, and, as strange as it may seem, I do not have a face.

well, I mean I DO, but I don’t really identify with it... erm, let me just start from another place.

I’ve grown up with a lot of trauma that caused body dysphoria and Dissociation. In other words, i share my body and mind with another identity. however, It’s not similar to DID (Dissociative identity disorder) or OSDD (Other specified Dissociative Disorder) because I do not have amnesia or episodes of possession. Because of my body dysphoria, I am constantly disconnected from my body, taking on a form entirely separate from it all together as i watch and interact with my other identity as they control our body. 

In this sense, we both have a perception of the world that we observe simultaneously. two different perspectives going on in one body at the same time.

I am slightly capable of controlling the body myself, but only very minor things, like typing and playing video games. It’s more like puppeting than being in the body, because I mirror concepts in my own space in the world. Though, there are instances where i get too entranced into something I'm doing and end up inhabiting too much of the body, and before i realize it, I'm actually *in* the body controlling it.

 If i see our reflection or i look down at the hands when I'm in this state, my sense of self becomes distorted, and i start panicking and freaking out. I have to fully dissociate myself from the body at that point all over again to maintain my sanity. Its also because of this that I've considered myself mute, because in my dissociated state, i have already formed an entire identity, from body to voice. If I try to talk though the body, our voices sound too different, and my state of panic kicks in again.

So I am perpetually disconnected from our body. Hence, why i say i do not have a face. 

well.. I do, but its not visible. the “me” that I see is only one that I can see, I do my best to draw and describe myself to people, but at the end of the day, I exist more as a concept of a person rather than a real person.

And yea... I’m sure some would chalk it up to delusion, or role playing, or denial.

rejection, schizophrenia, etc. There is a plethora of things people can say about me. and they’re all free to believe what they want. You’re free to believe what you want about me.

but I am me. regardless of what people think otherwise. When i look at myself, when I perceive myself, I see something that is me. And that is all I want to be.

No, I will not transition. It is not my body alone. I share this body.

No i will not seek help to be “normal”. Normal is subjective, and its not something I'm interested in.

No, I will not sit down and let you try to convince me otherwise of any part of who i am. I’ve done enough of that already.

This is who I am. And I am going to finally be free to be me.

the me who doesn’t fit in anywhere.

the me who does whatever she wants without a dam what you think.

the me, who lives for me.

and that's it. Thanks for reading. There's plenty of “me” in this blog, so feel free to browse if you’re curious.

As the pandemic veers into another month, I find that things will progress no matter the circumstance of the world or the circumstance of the individual. The ones who persist are the ones who find their way among a changing world with no straightforward path.

It's something I've been slowly learning. How to find my own way rather than try to follow the footsteps of other people. Instead of hoping that one day it will all click because someone else figured it out, I have to take the initiative in my own life.

When it comes to drawing I need to stop looking around hoping some tutorial will magically make it make sense, to make money I have to stop looking at how other people make money hoping it will work for me as well. When it comes to being alone, I have to look towards myself for comfort instead of hoping someone else will help me find comfort.

For me, life has to be something I figure out for myself. No one else is me, no one else can understand what it's like to be me. Following something that worked for someone else won't work for me.

I can always pick small things out of other people's experience, maybe learn somethings that fits into my perspective, but all that will do is augment my own experience. The only way to grow is to move forward.

So the world goes to shit. So previous methods of existing stop working. That just means I have to figure it out again. Another way, another path forward.

Little bit of situational Irony, recently getting a deadend job to pay for some things to do, only to end up being forced to do nothing thanks to a pandemic. The feeling of being stuck seems inescapable.

Thinking about it now, awareness is more of a curse than a blessing. Once you become aware of the world, the universe, society, etc, the magical mystery of what it could be fades away. Instead all you’re left with is the harsh truth. Sometimes it seems there’s a lot of truth to blissful ignorance. At the same time though, blissful ignorance is a privilege to those who experience comfort.

People who face hardship have to confront things with awareness in the hope they’ll achieve comfort, sadly, the more they come to learn, the harder reality becomes. it becomes a cycle,the aware create a world sustainable to be blissfully ignorant, the ignorant experience hardship and become aware, rince and repeat. 

hm, not sure where i’m going with this. I guess im just experiencing life with some form of awareness, and it derives some sense of hopelessness, which is why i decided to remain ignorant in some regard. Or i guess its rejection, or maybe rejection is willful ignorance. Who knows? Language is such a fleeting form of communication. To be honest, i’d much rather communicate through experience rather than words. Humans have an easier time interpreting experience than they do language after all.

Another day another time. Updates time.

We’re currently working a warehouse job, graveyard shift. Its helping us get by. As i look back at all the people I’ve pushed away in my life, I sit here with geo on my birthday. No one to console me in my loneliness, no one to remind me of something to laugh about. Just an empty city, an empty society, and an empty wallet.

Life becomes a reminder that you are truly alone, intentionally or not.

First comes the understanding of the situation. We are a split personality, dissociated identities, etc. Our circumstance came to be due to complications growing up, with a large part of our childhood living in social isolation. In order to cope with being alone, there was a creation of imaginary friends.

As time passed and we were able to interact with other people, our isolation turned into social rejection. Bullying, humiliating, and lots of shame. In order to cope with that, emotional and ideal suppression took root in order to socialize. As the suppression increased, those emotions and ideals became dissociated, separated from oneself. They took root in imagination, making imaginary friends that much more appealing.

Now you have imaginary friends who embody everything you idolize and used to be. They are now much more than imaginary friends, they are parts of what a mind once was, fragments.

How do you fix that? How do you repair a mind filled with shame and loneliness, whom has its greatest ideals in a person embodied in their imagination?

How do you create a community that is able to compete with the system in their head? What community could understand someone more than they understand themselves?

In a world where people believe in a single consciousness, or think that a single persona is a necessity, this incapacity to find community becomes even more difficult. To open up about your situation means to subject yourself to more shame, more explanations as to why you're unhealthy, disregarding the fact that the world made you that way.

Thus the cycle continues. Isolation, shame, dissociation.

As I try to search for ways to break the cycle, to find a place of acceptance, i start to see that I don’t actually know what acceptance is, or if acceptance is what i’m even looking for. People can say they accept you, but then what? What is the act of accepting someone? Not trying to change them to your perspective? Not critiquing their choices? Being there whenever they need someone? At the end of the day people are always subconsciously trying to offer advice or critique someone on something that they don’t agree with. Many people have a hard time understanding others. There’s been too many times where someone tells me they accept who i am, but then proceeds to try to make me shout the name on my drivers license or remind me to not deny what kind of genitals i have.

The Truth is, accepting people means taking the time to get to know them, and people just don’t have that kind of time these days. The world is too fast paced to spend the time getting to know someone who is different. That is one reason why today’s society is having such a crisis of clashing identities. 

That's why we're still the way we are. Its how we found out how to live, and there's no better alternative. Merging leads to loneliness, switching places leads to shame, openness leads to rejection.

We are a fragmented mind. A split of positive and negative emotions, providing each other with emotional support and keeping ourselves company in a world lacking the resources to do so. 

Happy new year, Another post, another day. Updates on my life, our life. 

I’ve changed a lot. I’m very moody these days. From agonizing anxiety to just straight up depression. I suppose in a sense I've become more human than I ever was before, or maybe.. I’ve just grown up. Something about growing up seems to involve realizing how dull the world is, and how much we need to accept it for what it is if we ever want to achieve the initial desires we had before.

The hardest part though is not losing sight of your aspirations and dreams, as well as not succumbing to the fear that you might not even live long enough to experience them. Fighting back suicidal tendencies every day, trying to convince a part of yourself you don’t identify with to cooperate with you, and overall just trying to figure out how to survive in reality are very taxing. 

It makes me wonder if I ever do find a way to fulfill my dreams, will i even feel the same joy I expected myself to feel? Or will I just be disappointed by my dreams like everything else in reality continues to do? Its a horrible thought. Earning money, trying to finish school, trying to keep our heads above water is already enough of a struggle, and my dreams feel so far out of reach. I feel like if I pursue my dreams, it will probably be the last thing I ever do. Like I will cast everything aside and go on a suicide mission to explore the world, and probably have nothing left somewhere in the middle of it.

That’s probably going to be what happens in the end. I guess I wouldn’t mind dying in the pursuit of my dreams. The issue is convincing the part that does everything else to do the same. 

Wussup random fellows, been a while? I bet it has~

Just an update that i’m still here, i’m still around. Our mood overall has been improving since abandoning the social sphere of influence. We do things because we want to, and we do whatever we want regardless of what other people think. 

The most interesting aspect of not socializing is that the aspect of loneliness seems to fade away after a while. We stop caring about the prospect of being alone and the insecurities about being alone in society. the thoughts that preoccupied our mind about what we should and shouldn’t do took up so much of our time that, once they were gone, there was so much more free space and time to think about how to plan things to do.

Of course, Geo still gets depressed every once in a while, but I’ve found that I can pull him out of it with a bit of pure irrational irresponsibility.... lol. Doing things sporadically, finding creative ways to do mundane things, Jumping around and doing goofy dances together. 

And that’s about it, feel free to take a look at some of our sporadic adventures, I’m going to be posting way more to Instagram than here. (though I might be starting a comic series soon so stay tuned.) Might seem a bit ironic that im using Instagram when i said i’m removing social media, but I don’t particularly go on it to browse, its more of an image catalog of my adventures since its pretty simple to pile it all in one place.

Adieu my favorite fan, 

Here’s my Instagram handle to anyone who happens to be passing by~