Piercing ze heavens wit what mothernature gave ya!

It's just unfair everyone else deserves family and friends that make them feel like a person and I don't deserve any family or friends that I can lean on. All my friends do not want to get to know the real me. If they did they'd recognize I've been going through a hard time for over 10 years and like, ask me about whats going on???????? But I don't deserve anything basic like that. It doesn't matter I grew up without a voice of my own. No identity of my own. Fuck everyone else for letting it get do bad for me!!!! I deserved better people around me but I was too nice and made sure other people didn't get to experience something as ugly and fat and disgusting as ME touching them or getting in the way. I made sure people had someone who wouldn't judge them for everything. I made sure to treat people tenderly and carefully and without my own emotions getting in the way of other people's jpur eyes. I did all this work and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO GET THE THINGS I PUT OUT IN THE WOrlD??? THE PATIENCE THE LOVE THE NONJUDGEMENT ZONES? GIVE ME LOVE DAMMIT! I DESERVE IT! ILL DIE WITHOUT IT!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS LIKE BEFORE I DIE!!!!! HOW IS THAT SO HARD FOR ANYONE TO FUVKING UNDERSTAND????

If more people were nice to me I bet I wouldn't feel impossibly unreachable and I bet i would actually believe in myself and wouldn't be dragged down by so hard it is to exist when you feel alone and disposable you're whole life and the people who were supposed to make you feel safe made you feel like you'd be better off gone and yeah. I'm just so tired. Tired of having no one around who has a clue what I'm going through and what it's doing to me. I just want someone to CARE what's been going on inside for 27 years because it's realer than any other part of me but NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE REAL ME THEY JUST WANT FAKE ME!!!!!!!!

I'm just so sad and don't have anything to help ground me but hoping a delusion calms me down. Maybe by distracting myself with even more upsetting visions. That's healthy

I felt like I was on the cusp of feeling profound hope but it kinda backfired into ultimate despair

I need a cuddle. I'm touch starved