𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃.

this is both the funniest and most embarrassing question i've ever been asked. honestly, i have no idea what it is. just some brain rot meme that caught on, i think. all i know is that it's fun to do. has your kid tried to get you to do any tiktok dances with her yet?

listen, i'm desperate because i need to understand what "67" means, and nobody can explain it to me. and if nobody can explain it, then why the hell do people keep doing it? i swear, every time i ask someone, they either laugh, tell me it's an inside joke, or give me a different answer. at this point, i'm starting to think everyone is collectively pretending to understand it just so i feel left out. yes, but she's failing miserably. gigi is the one who actually does the tiktok dances with her. honestly, i think khai has already figured out which parent is fun when it comes to that kind of thing, and it's clearly not me.

Of course I'm going to make the whole Wednesday aesthetic happen. It'll be mild, just braid my hair and put some makeup on. No need to thank me, honestly. I secretly love doing things like this for kids. Aw, I'd love to meet her! Is she the smartest? Honestly, it warms my heart hearing she would talk about me for that long.

i was right when i said she wasn't going to stop talking about you. now she's telling absolutely everyone that she's your friend. so, thank you for that, jenna. she's incredibly smart, and sometimes it honestly feels like i'm not even talking to a child. the things she says, the questions she asks, and the way she sees the world constantly catch me off guard. one minute i'm having a normal conversation, and the next she's saying something so thoughtful that i have to remind myself she's still a kid. honestly, seeing how excited she was has been pretty great. i don't think she's going to forget this anytime soon.

oh, i don't know if it's a great answer than one probably a lot of actors have, but i'd love to do anything within the lord of the rings verse, given i grew up on it. so that show or another film, i'd be so game to just be part of it. and i'll flip this for the musician's answer because i'm curious. is there an artist you haven't collaborated with, and you'd drop everything if you had the chance to?

who's your favorite character in the lord of the rings? honestly, i think it would be incredible if you got the chance to be a part of that world. and yeah, i think i'd absolutely love to collaborate with kehlani, or even demi lovato, her voice is incredible, there's so much power in it, and i feel like doing something with either of them would be a lot of fun.

That was one determined young boy. I admire his determination, and who knows—maybe you were manifesting at such a young age. How old are you now, Zayn? Just asking for a friend. I need to Google it... 33! Oh Lord! Well, just to be clear, I turned 59 yesterday, so I am practically 58. I'm just messing with you. I'm proud of my age. I think I look pretty decent for 59 years old, considering everything I've been through. Recently divorced, and I recently played the love interest of Zac Efron and Harris Dickinson, so... not too bad. I'm glad you haven't panoched and that you haven't run away again. I would be devastated.Are yu still feeling okay? do you need any fresh air? —you're doing amazing. Look at us starting a casual conversation now. I am sure your mom wouldn't believe this is happening.

yeah, while other lads were thinking about getting a new car, getting a job and everything, i was thinking about dating you. i honestly never thought i'd have the chance to talk to nicole kidman in my life, so this is a very pleasant surprise, i'm not going to lie. yes, 33! is it? happy belated birthday! how did you celebrate? clearly didn't have much fun since i wasn't even invited for the party. and i have to say, you look incredible at 59, i'm not exaggerating. you're one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen. zac efron and harris dickinson? they're extremely lucky, aren't they? i promise i'm fine, by the way. i'm not desperate, i'm not feeling shy, everything is completely under control, trust me. my mum would be proud of this moment.

Tonight is perfect! How about in an hour or two? Gives me time to get the perfect Wednesday aesthetic going on. No, it's totally you just trying to avoid a future investigation from her. And honestly, I love that you're worried that she'll start looking into all your lies. She sounds like my kind of girl.

in an hour or two is perfect! oh, you're going to make the whole wednesday aesthetic thing happen? i honestly don't even know how to thank you for what you're doing, i really don't. you need to meet her, jenna. she's the smartest kid in the world, and i'm absolutely sure she would love to meet you one day. like, i know that when that happens, she's not going to stop talking about you. she'll probably bring it up for weeks, maybe months.

i do, yeah. it's been around for a while. we even recently brought out some shandies. which have different fruity flavors as not everyone likes the taste of beer. all you got to do is ask, mate. we've got four different beer flavours so i'll make sure some are sent your way. well, i used to drink a lot and with a lot, i mean a lot. and things just got so bad that something had to be done about it. think i'm about four years sober now. i just wanted to enjoy something without having any hangovers or feeling miserable the next day. kind of like a good addiction. that's how the non-alcoholic beer came in play.

that's really cool. i checked out the website and i found it super interesting, and i'm really happy you came up with the idea. i'm sure people are really enjoying it. i'd love to receive a few boxes, mate. and i'm really proud of you for being four years sober, that's amazing. i'm sure your life must be completely different now, in a much healthier and more stable way. it takes a lot of strength to make changes like that and actually stick with them, especially when it's not easy or straightforward.

Oh my sweer lord! you have no idea how flattered I am at the moment. Fourteen-year-old you was certainly ambitious. I have to admire the confidence. Most teenagers have posters on their walls—apparently you had a full life plan. For what it's worth, I think fourteen-year-old you would be very pleased with himself right now. I am way too old for you but now you can tell your young self that you already talk to me pretty often.

i think it's funny that my 14 year old self was incredibly ambitious and would have done absolutely anything to date you. but now, knowing myself the way i do, i know i probably wouldn't say a single word about it. sometimes i'm shy, and i really don't enjoy embarrassing myself. you're too old for me? sorry, but i need to check google, give me a minute. ...fifty-nine, fair enough, i don't think you're too old for me. but yes, my younger self would be extremely proud of me right now. mostly because i've somehow managed to have this conversation at all without immediately panicking and running in the opposite direction.

that sounds like a very big problem, Zayn. But you know what, I'll go with it and we can schedule a time to facetime with her! i don't want her growing up thinking you lied to her about this! when are you two free?

this is far too serious a problem for me to solve on my own, i obviously need your help as soon as possible. thank you for saving both my life and my reputation. so, what do you think about tonight? i feel like it would be the perfect opportunity for her to finally learn that her father has never told her a lie in his entire life. honestly, i'm starting to think this is less about proving that i'm friends with wednesday and more about preventing my own child from launching a full scale investigation into everything i've ever said. i need evidence, and i need it immediately.

eight years? man, where has the time fucking gone? nevertheless, I'm glad to have left an impression on you sonically. sing in your ear? what would people think? haha. but we can definitely grab lunch and discuss a possible collaboration. what'd you say?

yeah, eight years! that's a long time, isn't it? and i swear it's still my favorite thing to watch at night. there's something about your voice that puts me completely at ease. i don't know what everyone else would think, but i'd be incredibly happy. lunch would be great, actually. so, when are you free?

Shh, weren't you dating someone when you met me? I'm not playing hard to get, babe. I am hard to get. There's a difference. Otherwise every man who showed up with a few compliments and a nice smile would think that's all it takes to win me over, and we can't have that. Lucky for you, though, you might be the exception. Emphasis on might. And yes, I do enjoy making you work for it. It's hot. No one can blame me. When are we leaving?

listen, i didn't mean literally from the moment i met you, because that would be a little unfair to gigi, it was just a figure of speech. and i feel like you just said i have a nice smile, and i'm not going to lie, i am ridiculously happy about that. "might"? what do you mean, might? what else am i supposed to do? i've already told you i'd do anything for you. what exactly are you waiting for? do you want me to carry you across the hotel lobby? because i can do that. you want a romantic dinner with wine? i can do that too. at this point, all you have to do is name it. whatever it is, i'll make it happen. i'm running out of ways to prove my dedication here, and somehow you're still acting unconvinced. frankly, i think you're enjoying watching me embarrass myself.

ah man, you're in for it there, too. all these places are going to go another level crazy with you coming back to them. it's like the musical prodigal son returning home. just soak it all up and enjoy and if the vibes are right, someone will throw a sombrero on stage and then you're golden.

to be honest, mexico was a success. nobody threw a sombrero onto the stage for me, but they did throw a few other things, bras, for example. anyway, i'm excited about the idea of doing absolutely nothing for almost four months. i need some time to breathe again. as much as i love being on the road, there comes a point where every airport starts looking the same, every hotel room feels identical, and you forget what it's like to wake up without checking what city you're in. so i'm looking forward to slowing down for a while, sleeping in my own bed, and obviously feeding the chickens, let's fucking go, josebro.

When did I become your baby? I apparently missed the memo. And see, there you go again. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Now you're offering me Mexico? And some entertainment? I hope it comes with your undivided attention. Do you realize how difficult you're making it for me to maintain my moral high ground here? Oh, sweetheart, your usual charm is exactly why we're having this conversation in the first place. The problem isn't winning me over. The problem is that you might be doing that already, and I feel the need to keep being difficult just out of principle.

i think i've wanted to call you "baby" ever since i met you, but somehow i never actually did. why? honestly, i have no idea. of course, mexico wouldn't be nearly as much fun without you there with me, i need you there and i promise i will give you all of my attention. and why are you playing hard to get, dua? you know you want to. besides, i've already spent enough time trying to convince you. at this point, i'm starting to think you're enjoying making me work for it, which is very rude, by the way. but come on, while you're still playing hard to get, we could've been doing a lot of fun shit, just saying.

Me coming along? Uh... I think I might pass on that one, Z. You and Khai can have some father/daughter time and I'll find a way to occupy myself. You don't have any shows afterwards, right? So you could just bring her back home. I'm forever wondering how we created a morning person.

it's okay, it was just an invitation, but i knew you were going to say no, and i get it. yes, i'll be free until october, i'm actually loving having some time to breathe between one city and the next. okay, deal, i'll bring her back home. i don't know either! i could sleep for an entire day if nobody stopped me, but watching khai wake up at six in the morning in the best mood imaginable is absolutely insane to me. i don't understand how someone can have that much energy before the rest of the world has even opened its eyes.