There are many things wrong with the way we’ve been conditioned to see ourselves within society. Work is important to me. My job is, partially, who I am, for 40 hours a week at least. I admit I too often put job before self, like many fall victim to. Today, at the beginning of a highly demanding day (understatement), I had a severe panic attack. They aren’t entirely foreign to me, but this one was. I wasn’t in my skin, I was a fragmented version of vision and speech. Stuttering, gasping, muffled mind screaming. Even as my (wife) spoke, calming me, on the phone, I was lost in a broken record of shaking, my body constricted, labored helpless breathing. After it initially passed, I still couldn’t gain control of my anxiety. With my response time being slow, my boss showed her worry and had someone drive me home.
My lover came home and helped settle my soul.
Yet, nearly twelve hours later, I’m still somewhat unbalanced and searching for reasons why I have guilt of my own attack—why do we lack seriousness of our own health? (or is that just me). My sanity and wellness are much more important than the corporate world. I refuse to entertain the thought that I have to suppress myself. Refuse to believe that ‘just pushing through it’ will be entirely okay—beneficial even! (look at the time you’ll save tomorrow)—and allow myself to be, and feel like, a real person who is entitled to feel this way and that, and not feel sorry for this way and that way. Because life happens. And what we do does not define who we are, rather it’s who we are that defines what we do (thanks for insight, Across the Universe). Living for yourself before anything, taking care of yourself before anything, loving yourself before anything, is the most beautiful thing we can do in this life.
I fully accept my caregiver—me.
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