k i m a d e a

She was in a train. Her mind wandered as it passed rice fields and its farmers, looking so tiny and blurry. So was her consciousness. Blurry. Lots of people categorize our thinking method (which in turn, contributes significantly to our personality) into only 2 groups: those who involve feeling more and those who do with more logic. For her, it was not that simple. For her, nothing had ever been simple. She constantly changed, back and forth from the “feeling mode” to “logic mode” in a short duration of time. No, it was not okay. Her inconsistency made people around her confused and refused to get too close to her. Even more terrifying to her, it made herself losing the grip of who she actually was. She had been doing fine, but she had never been okay.

Her reasoning skill was excellent. She was always be able to see the dots and connect them when other people could not. She answered why’s and how’s in the most systematic way possible. She just easily understood every logical explanation of causation.

But then she cried out loud, clouded with jealousy and insecurity. She swore she read between the lines of what people said. She started to suspect the presence of motives and explanations which were not even there. She got jealous and insecurity engulfed her like, infiltrated her mind like a parasite. She begged not to be left when no one ever intended to leave her. There was nothing logic when she was in this state of mind. It was exhausting for him when she was like that. It was even more exhausting for her.

She was hurting because all her life what she had seen and heard was betrayal. Lies made over previously made lies, over and over again, until the truth sounded like lies too. She thought adults always interacted through constant accusation. She thought shouting was made unintended. She thought infidelity was the rule and loyalty was rather the exception.

But then he came

He was gentle, kind, and loving. He was honest all the time. He has always been caring, providing, and protecting, especially toward her feeling. She could not believe he was real. Sometimes she accused him for doing something only her could imagine. Sometimes she was just incapable of trusting. But he was still there, all patient, waiting for her to calm down. She wanted to change, she always said. She wanted to trust, she then added. She always believed she could. She just needed guidance and time

Hey, Love. The more I know you and your past stories, the more I adore your beautiful mind and heart. And I fall every single day for all of that, for who you are.

You had been through a lot, including hard times in your previous relationship(s). No one deserves to experience treason, infidelity and dishonesty, moreover, repeatedly, especially you, who has always been really loving and kind to your significant other. I feel really sad for every negative emotional turmoil you had been through. Your sadness, even the ones coming from your past, are all mine too.

You only deserve to be loved and more, but nothing less. You are the most sincere, kind-hearted lover I have ever had. You once said you love me enormously. I am going to quadruple your love and kindness to you that you don’t know what ‘enormous’ actually means anymore. I am always going to put your happiness above all. I promise you, I will never let you be in that kind of confusing state in which you question your own sanity. I will never let anything or anyone hurt you.

I love you and I am going to love you so much like no one ever did to you before

I will make you feel you’re loved the most and I’ll be your number one source of sanity at the same time. And I am going to do it for the next days, months, years, decades, for the longest possible time-span. Forever.

I very much believe in your capacity in doing that, you said

You are something else. This kind of feeling is new to me. I have never fallen this deep, I guess.

It’s just so happy, isn’t it? To love someone so much and get as much love as you give?

Yes it is. The best feeling ever.

You know what? I know you’re the one. I just know.

I know you’re the one. We both know that.

I can only hope that this enormous feeling of yours only happens once, for me only, you then added

Indeed, for you only. The first time and also the last. You have my words. You know you can always count on me.

I know. I really, really trust you

“You don’t have to ask

12. Say you won’t let go-James Arthur Perfectly perfect- Simple Plan

You, who fill my heart with so much love I have never felt before. You, who teach me how to love like no one else. You, who successfully make me feel loved all the time. You just fit, perfectly into my life. It was as though there was this empty space in my life that shaped just like your negative molding, and when you came, you perfectly filled it, ended its long-standing emptiness.

You and your rational mind, your skepticism, which sometimes annoy me but somehow does not make me love you any less, not even a bit. Instead, they make me love you even more. Our arguments, disagreements, different perceptions let us know each other better and make our love grow even bigger.

I recalled every single time I watched you from afar, my heart always went all arrhythmic and my mind said this loudly to myself

“I really fall for this amazing, kind-hearted, warm, caring man”

And I don’t mind falling again and again, for the next days, weeks, years, and decades. As long as you’re the one I’m falling in love with.

How you do that? How come every little thing you do makes me love you more and more? You are exceptional. You are something else, love. Your leptons and quarks are arranged in certain way that attracts mine which result in unique endorphin and oxytocin release phenomenon.

Since this is the last day of 2016, I would like to dedicate the last post(s) [I planned on writing several posts, but let’s just see if I can consequent with the plan ;)] to what 2016 has been and what life-changing experiences it has brought me. I rarely post something that ‘interacted’ actively with the readers, so this one would be it. Before continuing reading, get your Spotify/Youtube ready for my kaleidoscope of the year 2016 would be in a form of music track(s) based on major event on specific month. Here it goes ;)

1. Love Yourself-Justin Bieber

No, I did not break up with anybody on January and told them to Justin-Bieber’s-version-of-Love Yourself. This song was what had been echoing on the radio during the unexpected trip to Kawah Putih with two considerably-strangers who are now one of my dearest friends. I believed I had mentioned how I was willing to come to a gathering full-of-strangers earlier this year, in my previous post entitled “Perfectly Perfect”. Karina was the one who invited me to come to this gathering event but she was abroad so she herself did not come there. Instead, she referred me to Bayu who was the so-called-coordinator of the event. Several weeks after that, when I was having my day-off in Bandung, Karina contacted, telling that she’s going home to Bandung and Bayu would join her from Jakarta; and asking if I would like to have a sleepover at her home. I’m not the kind of person who’s usually willing to have a sleepover in someone else’s home whom I haven’t known for quite sometimes, but somehow, I did “break the habit” and had my first-road-trip-ever to Kawah Putih with these kind-hearted-strangers ;)

So, January was about going outside my comfort zone which got me to know the awesome family ;)

2. Photograph-Ed Sheeran

“We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken, times forever frozen still”

This was when hundreds of hearts broken because one of the nicest, greatest human being ever lived was resting in peace forever. I have always remembered how Mom always insisted to take photographs everywhere. She was making memories which can be kept forever, a solid matter which would remind us everywhere and every time, that she was once there, among us, physically. In almost every room at home, we manage to hang pictures in which mom was there, smiling, not being-hurt by the illness that took her away.

“So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans. Holding me closer ‘til our eyes meet. You won’t ever be alone”

There is no way we could ever meet again. I never put up hopes about us meeting in the so-called-afterlife. She has gone and that’s the fact I have endured and accepted. However, I’m just a man whose limbic system functioning properly. There has come certain point in my life when her absence filled my whole consciousness and I would break down right away, tearing up like a little girl.

“Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul and I swear it will get easier. Remember that with every piece of you. And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die”

I remember that night, 22nd of February, when Dad was finally home after a long day at Funeral Service (Rumah Duka) and we were in silence, sipping our own coffee. I told him to take a rest. He agreed and we both stood up from our chairs. He suddenly hugged me really tightly and he broke all the guards he had put the whole day. He cried out loud in my shoulder. You have to understand that he’s not that kind of dad who’s all lovey dovey to the family. He kept things for himself and had things going on in his live without us knowing much about it. But at that night, he mumbled about some specific memories he had with Mom when they were still students at university. About her sincere kindness and love she had given when Dad was still no one and literally had nothing. Not once in my life I had ever heard something as loving and regretful as that at the same time. When someone’s gone forever from your life, I guess, it’s the love they had dedicated for us and the love we always had for them that only matters.

February was the last month in which Mom had her last breath.

3. The Climb-Miley Cyrus

Before March, I had always been indecisive about what specialties I would like to take after finishing obligatory housemanship/internship program. Or even whether I would like to be a specialist or not. One day (I actually forgot when exactly that was, but I suspected it was around March), I coincidentally met one of my most favorite consultants when I was still a medical student. We met in front of the elevator at the hospital where I did my internship. Surprising enough, he remembered my name. He then asked me to join him to visit his patients and we talked a lot. The weird part was, he kind of assumed that I was already interested to apply for specialty program at his department (I was quite sure I never spoke of it vocally, especially to a consultant like him) so he left a hint here and there about the things I needed to prepare for that. He dropped another surprise by inviting me to join him at the operating room on the next day.

And I did join him. And he let me do a part of the surgery all by myself (as the operator). That was the best day of my life. One of the best days of my life in 2016. Ever since that day, I have reconstructed all my goals: that is to be like him.

March: Finding passion.

4. Fight Song-Rachel Platen

As one of the attempts to reach the re-defined dream, I started doing a side job as a teacher at a medical student preparation course. It was overwhelming, and exhausting, but yet very thrilling and challenging. Moreover, other form of side jobs were coming almost at the same time. I never knew I could go that far, I could manage so many things and they actually went quite well. Could not say that I was already satisfied where I was, but I knew I was on the right track: every side job I did (and still do) has its own essence that hopefully helps me improving my skill in some way 

“First of April might be an April mop, but more importantly, it’s the start of various exciting side job” ;)

5. Lucky One-Simple Plan

I felt empty. The kind of empty that makes you question your sanity. It’s an excruciating nothingness. I was in the state where I was half-alive, where I did not know what I was looking for but I kept looking. I was reckless and I was lost. I was angry, mad, to everyone that had given impact in making me feel such way, but I always knew it all started from the devil within. As I thought about it over and over again, and after quite sometimes when I finally made up my mind, at that time, I guess I was afraid to admit (even to myself) that I was looking for love. I was afraid to be judged as an old-school hopeless romantic. Consequently, the fear of being judged, the fear of other people’s opinion, had brought a major downside that is: a confusion between love and lust.

Lost in May

6. Opinion Overload-Simple Plan

Have you ever questioned why the hell life brings the worst kind of people around you? I have. And they were everywhere at that time. A double-faced colleague who kisses her boss’ asses all the time, another one who talked behind my back and belittled everything I did, and someone’s really bossy, who thought she was the smartest of all but actually failed to prescribe a sound, evidence-based therapy for the patients. Worst of all, lots of them were rude to the patients. I know patients can be exhausting to deal with. But, after all, remember that they are patients: they were ill and they seek help. I am the kind of person who becomes unbearably demanding when I’m sick, and that’s what might happen to the patients when they’re sick.

Don’t they ever hear about this very famous quotation that has been around the web/Instagram?

“Be kind for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about”

At the end of the day, I kind of finally be in peace with their presence in my life. Because of it, I exactly know what kind of person I never want to be like. Yeah June, thanks for the lesson and good riddance!

7. The Song of Ice and Fire

As I was still struggling to be more adaptable to a new internship post, I found a greatest possible distraction that had my day a bit more bearable: The Game of Thrones series. I know I was 5 years-late, but in the end, I caught up with the whole episodes, and I had the best series-watching experience EVER! All hail Tyrion Lannister!

The winter starts coming in July :p

8. Welcome to My Life-Simple Plan

They say the older you get, the smaller your circle, don’t they? I know I am not that old but I really experienced it already. Some people had several peer groups in which they were belong. Some others had 1 or 2. Well I did not and do not. I always had 1 or 2 persons with whom I went out and to whom I told my daily stories but I never really get along in a constant peer group. There are always dramas going in there and somehow, at one point in life when I kind of had a peer group, I am always involved in that, which exhausted me and drained me mentally. Having realized this tendency, I was actually sad of my incapability to maintain friendships with a gang of people. I asked myself “Why I never actually fit in with everybody? Why do I feel like I never belong?” Indeed, when things were too much or when at some point I felt uncomfortable enough, I always retracted myself from the society as a defense mechanism. I learnt that it is actually okay to do that and not entirely pathological. I have accepted myself for being like that and that’s quite a significant self-content-state I have reached 

August of Acceptance

9. (Play any Simple Plan song you like)

AS YOU MIGHT HAVE GUESSED: THIS WAS EXACTLY THE MONTH WHEN I FINALLY HAD MY FIRST ROCK SHOW EVER, THAT IS THE SIMPLE PLAN WORLD TOUR!!!!!!! Simple Plan was fundamentally my teenage-years-hero. There’s no any single day in my junior-high-school years when I did not sing out loud their songs. SO YOU COULD ACTUALLY IMAGINE HOW THRILLED I WAS WHEN I FINALLY SAW THEM LIVE AND THEY WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, PLAYING THE SONGS IVE KNOWN FOREVER. S FOR SEPTEMBER AND S FOR SIMPLE PLAN! (I know this is cheesy lol)

10. Take Heart-The Sam Willows

(The song was something I discovered through Spotify-Discover Weekly and to be honest, I did not really get what the lyrics meant lol. However, the beat was great to dance with and it had been ringing in my head for the whole October!)

Yeah, October always means getting older! As usual, I spent my birthday the way I felt like to at that time. I asked for a day-off to my student so I had one free afternoon. It was not the kind of birthday which full of blast. I got free tall beverage at starbucks and finished a sketch of Tyrion Lannister there, while waiting for my friend (Irfan) to join me having my favorite cake. Unexpectedly, we decided to go to Melly’s and Iqbal was willing to join us! It was such a great night, yet simple. I told them I had started dating again after 4 months of vacuum-period. Some of them were actually potential as a long-term monogamous partner. However, I also told them that there was a tendency that my dates never went further than a first date. I remembered asking them anxiously,

“What if my love life was only a streak of never-ending-first dates?”

And that was what actually happened for the next 1.5 months.

October: Turning 23 with never-ending-first dates

11. Highway Don’t Care-Tim McGraw, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban

I have always wondered what was happening on me on that day. It was the end of the first week of New Year 2016. Having not been accustomed to any peer group since the beginning of freshman year at the uni, the idea of going into a gathering event in which I knew no one was a bit overwhelming. But I still came anyway although now I can’t recall what the main driving force that brought me there was.

A decision that has brought me to him.

I have never been a good conversation-starter, let alone be the ice breaker. It was too awkward. He was there sitting to my left, saving me from a weird talk with someone…weird. He sat there casually, wearing white shirt (from what I remember), and asking me questions which further lead to discussion about particular topics. It was very normal, not the kind of conversation that enchants me, but still, enjoyable. No, I did not feel anything at that moment. I was too anxious about the whole event. And I decided to come home much earlier than everyone else.

Not until September the 7th that I started to know him in further depth.

I had no other intentions but to genuinely ask about the job vacancy he had posted in group chat. I did it for my elder brother who at that moment was still jobless. A few days later, I informed him that my brother would not apply for the vacancy. That’s where we started talking. It was really pleasant talking to him, even when it was through chatting platform. He surely liked to talk but he never failed to pay attention in what I said. At that time, I remembered he was the one talking to me during the gathering event. I did not know he was such a great conversationalist. I was impressed.

Finally, we agreed to meet. He wanted to lend my novel book (Inferno by Dan Brown). Since I was the one whose work finished earlier (4 pm) I offered him to meet around his office. I had a really exhausting day, mentally and physically. Too many patients to handle, with non-supporting colleagues. I planned to go right to his office after work but I forgot to bring the novel book in the first place so I had to get back to my Kosan first before going to meet him.

His office was quite far. I went there by public transportation and I needed to walk around additional 1.2 kms to reach his office. It was such a crazy traffic.

I never complained about it all. It was all worth it.

He finally finished his work and there he was. Wearing his grey shirt, looking all smiley. He was (and is) the kind of man who enjoys his being effortlessly. His presence was relaxing, as though he released the tension in the atmosphere and recharged the-already-depleting-social energy in me. We walked down the street and we chose a small café called “Mangia”. We talked just like we were old friends. The ambiance of the café was warm. He was also warm like he radiated a warming heat that kept the cold wind away as the rain started pouting outside. It almost felt like home.

Until he dropped the bomb right there, in front of me, casually.

“You might remember that I wasn’t really like this when we first met in January. I guess my social skill has been improving significantly since that time. And I really thank my girlfriend for that”

He had a girlfriend.

Five years of medical school resembled five year of acting class. So I have trained myself to response more neutrally for things that actually affected my feelly part.

“Yes I remember! Wah it’s a good thing then, to have a girlfriend who makes you a better person”

It was not heart-breaking or anything. But surely it was disappointing. I felt really connected to him and I could see the potential of us to be something more. However, I automatically buried the thought because I never wanted to be a break up reason for anyone.

We still talked until the owner of the café wanted to go home. I didn’t want to go home, honestly. I wanted the time to freeze, to watch him laughing in a way so unique of him, to look deep into his eyes. I still wanted to hear what he thinks about…everything. Sometimes when he disagreed about my point of view, he could deliver another point of view without being insulting. But I had to go home for tomorrow morning I must wake up at 6.

And yeah, he had a girlfriend. Who called him late at night just before we went home. I had some certain feeling about this. The way he responded to what his gf said indicated that the gf was actually not okay about him having a dinner with me.

At that right moment, I knew I should back off and let it go.

He didn’t text me any since that day.

Not until earlier this week.

He said he had finished reading the novel and wanted to give it back to me. I suggested him to send it via Ojek online though but he prefer to meet me in person. He was still as warm. And I could feel the chemistry was also still there. Have you ever felt in a certain way which was the result of the capability of someone to see you through? Like it doesn’t matter what you wear or what you’re doing, but he gets you, understands the core of you? I have. And it happened rarely and I have not felt it for quite sometimes. Now I feel all of those, all at once, when it’s about him.

These feelings grew even stronger after he told me that he was single, he was not with his previous gf anymore.

I started to see the part of him I have never expected. He is truly caring and sincere. I guess that explains the warm feeling when he’s around. He makes me feel appreciated. He’s the kind of person who wants to “give” rather than “receive”. He is logical but he never fails to be empathetic and sensitive about the things that concern me. He is funny, silly, and smart. Even at the end of the day, he still smells so good, the smell resulting from perfect combination of his body odour and the fragrance he applied. His long fingers intertwined to mine perfectly. His shoulder contour accommodates my head and neck curvatures just in place. And I never knew a hug can be like that. A hug that says hundreds of words. A hug that does more than just a physical contact, but also functions as emotional pamper.

The best part is, this is mutual.

He came into the room that afternoon, looking tired and old.

I said,”Next patient please” to the patients waiting on long, metal-made chair. They were looking at each other, as though they actually wanted to be examined first but were not sure it was their turn already.

“The one with smaller queuing number, please” I added with a smile.

“Oh, it’s me”, replied the man suddenly, as if I just woke him up from a daydreaming. He walked toward me a little slowly. His back was hunched. His figure’s fragile. He wore thick glasses and his hair has all turned gray. He almost reached his 70, I suspected.

“Good afternoon Sir, how can I help you?” I asked amiably

“Good afternoon, Doc, it is not me needing your help, it is my wife”

I peeked the medical record on my hand. A woman’s name who was supposed to be his wife. I flipped and scanned quickly what’s in the medrec in the last few months. More than a year ago, the last time she visited there. She was already referred to a specialist.

“Right sir, what can I do for her?”

“Here’s the thing Doc. In the last few weeks, my wife had been having difficulties in defecating. As the days went by, her tummy got hurt even more until she could not bear it anymore. I brought her into the ER of a private hospital, where we used to go to in the past. She was operated and the diagnosis was obstructive ileus with pseudomyxoma. I thought everything was covered by the national insurance program, but turned out it was not anymore. I agreed to pay and registered as a private patient, to safe her life. But now she needs 2 packs of Albumin infusion per day and I spent 6 millions per day. Her oncologist said there was not much he could do and planned to refer her to another hospital, the one with more complete modalities which are covered by national insurance.”

“I see, I understand it Sir. Do you have your wife’s medical resume or any laboratory examination that I could look up to?” I responded

He handed me over a stack of papers and showed me some printed photographs. It was her wife’s colon during operative laparotomy. My tummy felt weird. Not because it was disgusting, God knows how I am already used to see such brutality of diseased internal organ. But because I could not imagine how her husband felt when he was shown that picture. A picture of her wife’s obstructed bowel, with cancerous masses covering it.

Six years ago, in 2010, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, colon cancer, and pseudomyxomatous masses on peritoneum. It was not detailed which one was the primary cancer. She had administered 13 cycles of chemotherapy ever since the diagnosis was made.

“What happened during these 5 to 6 years after the chemo had been completed? Had she been checked up routinely by her oncologist?” I asked, partly curious. An already metastasizing cancer to peritoneum is almost always terminal and needs close follow-up, even after complete course of chemo.

“We came back for a follow up but then our son got cancer too. He was diagnosed with leukemia.” he answered.

Having been trained to be less-emotionally attached, I tried to hide how I was shocked about his son’s condition.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Sir. How is he now?”

“It’s okay. He’s doing great, he recovered fully”. He said it in flat tone, but I saw his eyes. I had never seen so much sadness in the depth of an eye. All those wrinkles told more than what was spoken.

I nodded sympathetically and started explaining the referral procedure. Suffice to say, the referral letter from primary healthcare is only available for out patient clinic while his wife was still in the ward. It was complicated, but theoretically, it would still be possible to refer her to bigger medical center and covered by national insurance.

“Please Doc, I have been through all of these alone. I am not working anymore, there was only a little amount of money I own. Please help me and my wife” he begged as he saw me considering whether to consult the matter to my supervisor. I looked at him. His eyes were watery and a tear almost fell down.

I nodded, partly as an assurance that there was no need to consult it any further for that would possibly cause him not getting the referral letter for his wife.

To fill in the sad silence while I wrote the letter, I asked,

“Was there any other family member suffered from cancer?”

“Yeah. One of my in-law had colon cancer, another one had brain cancer. My niece from my wife’s family also had leukemia. I guess it’s in my wife’s blood. But it’s okay,”he smiled and his shoulders shrugged. At that very moment, I could feel my eyes were hot. I was very emotional. All I could think about was how much he tried to stay strong, how much time, money, and energy he had spent, and how much love he had felt for his wife, that he had been holding on for so long, that he never gave up taking care of her.

I had been re-thinking about what a marriage means to me, rather than just a cynical perspective that marriage was only a justification of law-protected sexual relationship. What if marriage is actually more than that? More than just for breeding and temporary emotional support? What if we actually need someone to hold on to until the end because otherwise, it would be impossible to age and die peacefully? Yeah we always have another form of social support, a friendship so fine that it seems to last a life time. Then why can’t it be that “something we hold on to” when we age, weak, and get sick because of degenerative changes? I had thought that it was actually possible. However, the idea seemed ‘unfit’ as the weeks and months passed by. I always had a feeling that there’s something missing.

Then I met this man who has stood by his wife and it reminded me of something I had known so long, but been forgotten. It came from one of my best friends. Once, he said this to me,

”How ever messy your family seems or how unsatisfying it feels, your family is where your loyalty lies. It is always in your heart, even how much you deny it”.

Marriage means constructing a family, with or without child/children. By marriage, you build a new niche, in which you’ll grow and spend 3/4 to 2/3 of your life. It is the smallest, yet, most needed and immediate social environment. Yeah. I guess we need it.

“Here is the referral letter, Sir,” I said as I finished writing

His eyes brightened a bit and he thanked me. He got up slowly, maybe because his body joints ache or his back sore. I got up too and patted his back,

Hey, it has been a while since my last post the topic of which I already forget. So well, it’s me again, I don’t even know how many of you regularly visit my page, but it’s me, yeah, turning 23 just a few days ago.

I spent the most of my first day being 23: I had fun, I met my dearest significant others and talked about almost everything. Which gets me thinking about how much I have got lost in the process of being older. Am I also being more mature as I age? Or am I still immature, but in a way different than the previous immaturity that gives me the illusion that I have changed and improved (but actually I do not)? This is all so confusing. I have spent significant amount of time asking my self about what I want, what I need, and how I value my life and my future. I surely know nothing, everything feels fleeting and I feel unsure almost all the time. I don’t know if this is only because of the state of stagnancy I’m currently in (I’m now a houseman doctor at government-based primary health care and you have no idea how it makes me feel like I’m trapped). I change my mind like flipping coin. I could say the wisest thing but I do not reflect it in my behavior: I have been at the highest point of being reckless in my entire life.

Should I decide immediately about all of that? I think that will be too much. Or it is not and this all happens only to me? I guess a-23-yo-ladies cope with this interpersonal issue quite differently. Some put aside this arising question of internal conflicts and move on, follow the pattern they have been ‘assigned’ to: that is what society expects them to be. Some realised the conflicts, but have a peace with it anyway, and even have a peace with the assignation. While some keep questioning them and re-evaluating endlessly. I know it’s all in my head and I’m the one having full control of my cerebral cortex (but sometimes the amygdala riots, tho, by sending the rather-uncontrollable electrical impulses).

She was upset. And sad. And lonely. More than she has ever felt. The feeling’s just sucks and she hates the world for making her ending up there, right where she is. At most of the times, she actually enjoys it. But during the time like this, in which the realization of such is heightened she just curses all the circumstances that had led her there.

Pop

A text message just came in. Ah. It’s the guy she enjoyed hang out and talk with. And he asked how she had been doing. Wasn’t expecting that though. As few words exchanged, a bit of “hahaha”s here and there, he unpinned the dynamite and threw it right away

“Here is the thing, Doc. I have a health condition...”

“Doc” she repeated it quietly, stunned because of her own innocence of inability to see this coming. “For f sake, is he really doing this to me? Is EVERYONE really doing this to me?” she thought. She still replied with empathy and questioned several more things. Not because she really wanted to. Medical curiosity is just imprinted in her gene. Plus she was programmed to treat any of her patient professionally. And yes, it has shifted. He was her patient now.

“Thanks a lot Doc”

A phrase she has heard a lot already, even in a less than a year-time. A phrase she usually replied with a smile and caused satisfaction. But not this time.

But not like this.

She started to think, to ask that question to herself as she walked down the hospital corridor. Not the hospital she is now working at. It was the hospital she was studying at, back then when she was still a medical student not so long time ago yet felt so far away. She did not have quite so many friends back there, friends as her inner circles. She did not even have a gang of friend to sit with, she was usually on her own. It was all okay to her. She knew a group of people, the so-called peer group or gang, doesn’t matter if she had few friends who were true to her. Few friends who started as strangers who thought they could get along as friends. Strangers who at the beginning thought “Yeah, she’s cool as a friend” for who she was. Not for her previous achievements, academic excellency, nor any specific capability in doing something useful or beneficial for them.

Everything has changed, she guess. Ever since the two-letters label was official. From then and on, every first encounter was about to introduce herself as “what she does for a living”. It is actually a universal acceptable ice-breaking question. Butt it’s actually a two-sided swords. She gets along easily with new people because of their interest in what she does and, at first, she keeps it like that, for people to acknowledge her that way. However, it started to get exhausting, to talk about work all the time. To act and think just as what she is at work.

In every encounter, she is genuinely looking for a friend. A friend who sees her more than someone who could help her with his medical condition. A friend who treats her more than someone who could give him drug prescriptions or healthy statement. A friend who is interested to get to know about herself and to engage in small talks about daily-life occurrence. A friend who sees her more than just her degree. Because she IS so much more than just her medical degree.

I happened to find certain difficulties in dealing with loneliness. It surely goes away but it’ll come back. It waxes and wanes like an allergy. It creeps behind your back and fills the entire conscience. Then everything else turns into a void. A total nothingness. Just recently, I had this interesting conversation with a guy. He asked me,”Why our presences matter?” and “What are our impacts to humanity and civilization?” and the final grand question so typical of him,”Why we should stay alive?” (I did not copy what exactly he asked, but rather paraphrased it). I answered with the first lines popped up in my mind,”You matter. You have friends and families that love you, so you do matter to them. And what about your son? He actually needs you.” I knew he was going to counter it anyway, he said he was a contrarian. But, the content still surprised me

“Thus, my existence being forced by the meaning from others”

During my last episode of being lost in a loneliness (that is last night), this conversation came back and took me aback. This concept of existence ‘given’ by the others might be the solely important cause of loneliness. I perceive loneliness is actually a state of being, not an actual absence of other human being. Even in a most crowded place, one can still feel lonely. It just fits: when you feel as though your presence does not matter to anyone else but you need to be needed, you either end up being depressed or lonely.

And how this is related to ‘the search’? The search (almost) all humans fighting for. The search of ‘the one’. What exactly is ‘the one’? Who is she/he? How will he/she impact your life that you’re bleeding to death to find him/her?

We, including myself, sometimes wrongly perceive that finding the one means ending the loneliness state of being. Like when I find my man, he’ll bright up my world each and every day and the loneliness will never come back again. I was like that a few days ago. I thought about it THAT way. What a shame of me.

These two, loneliness and finding the one, are two different concepts any one cannot mix up. As I contemplated this, another conversation I had ever had with the same contrarian guy passed. He said that,

”The search is nothing but finding a friend, a very good friend that you want him/her to share the rest of your life together” (again, a paraphrase).

And I guess he was true. The search for the one is actually to find this one true friend you want to spend the time left for you in your life with, despite his pasts, his flaws, his annoying routines; the one true friend you’re entirely comfortable to share your bed and to be naked with.

However, remember that it is a human whom you're dealing with. Human changes, and he is capable to hurt you, either voluntary or invoultarily. When one day I decide that someone is the one, I know that my feeling is fully at stake. And he must know that his is too. Although at that right moment everything feels right, it is impossible to predict where we're going to be in the next 5 or 10 years, whether or not we will still be together. However, it is also not right to just run away just because of the fear of what will come up next. Both settling down and staying unbound is one's 'destiny', because one makes his own destiny that is consisted of choices he has made previously. "It's time to decide what you want..." Said a friend to me ...rather than just 'go with it'. 

She was taken aback by her own thoughts

She replayed few years she’s been through. Yes, it was always there. And there’s no such a gap wide enough for her to be fully alone. For her to even breathe.

It was not that she needs it in order not to feel lonely. Or maybe it was like that, but that means it was impregnated in her personalities. “It” was not even a real thing, a relationship, or even a long-term crush. “It” didn’t have to be something significant. She only needs the excitements, that riding-roller-coaster-alike feeling. She pursues that. She needs that. It doesn’t matter whether she wins or loses, as long as it pumps up her adrenaline, brings up some spirits into her life, and keeps her mind busy and occupied. Even though if she was already busy. It seems like there’s always this void that needs to be filled with that certain kind of excitement.

The kind of excitement that was brought only by liking or having a crush with a guy.

She was annoyed by this realisation. What kind of person she will be if she stops doing that, if she starts enjoy her own company without being in ups and downs of such feelings? Will she be a better person? Will she be considered as more mature?