O.R.T.

The movement testing for the movie Mama

Have you ever found a productivity system that works for you (whether it be your Google calendar, bullet journaling, agenda-ing, etc), and you're so pumped because it's like finally! Now I can actually get some stuff done! But then time passes, days or weeks or years, and the novelty of it runs out, and then it kind of just... Stops working. It can be so frustrating, because this thing that used to work no longer works for seemingly no reason.

But, that isn't a failing of the thing, that thing worked for a certain amount of time, and that's good! I used a massive agenda in my first year of uni, and it kept me on track for all my assignments. My second year agenda? Barely touched it. Instead, I started to use a bullet journal, and that was the thing that helped me through most of the year. But as time went on, my spreads got less creative, and in the final term, I didn't even want to touch it because it was too much work. So I switched to Notion.

The agenda didn't fail me, and neither did the bullet journal, it just worked for a certain amount of time. And when that time inevitably runs out, you can just say, "thank you for serving me for so long, I'm going to pivot to the next thing." And then you do it without feeling like you should try harder or like that thing failed you.

1) Childhood has a smell, when I look at old photos I can smell the memories. The scent is fleeting and it makes me melancholy.

2) I know it’s illogical to (STILL) feel depressed as fuck about my green card/ visa situation because, well, first of all, there’s literally nothing I personally can do to make my case better; secondly, this case is, again literally, finalizing itself. So why in the world do I feel like I want to… lol, see #6.

3) Feeling pretty dead inside because I will get my green card after spending all of my 20s on this lil thing. Eh, I will live. I am done whining.

4) BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T FEEL SAD AS FUCK ABOUT IT.

5) Okay I am working on it.

6) Therapist asked why I chose therapy this morning (*we meet twice a week) and I just answered: “Well I got backed into a corner, emotionally.”

Him: “What backed you into the coroner?”

Me: “Ehhhm….”

Like… I mean….. The fact that I want to grab my skin and rip it off from head to toe like I’m molting?

Me: “Is this normal?”

Him: “Why does it matter if it’s normal to other ppl? It’s your Normal. You do it, so it’s normal.”

Me: “I mean…”

What if I want to unhinge my jaw and swallow a chicken whole because the beast in my belly - No. Nope. I didn’t have enough courage to say this part out loud. I am a coward. A COWARD!!

7) I miss having free time. I have so much work. All I do is work. Work every day and I don’t have the mental bandwidth to do my hobby.

8) What’s funny is that, lol, both my hobby and my work are “art.”

9) Anyway.

A reminder that sell-buy dates or best-used-by dates are not the same as expiration dates.