Dian M.Z.

051525

I don’t know what I am supposed to do with this. I am angry, it makes me mean; I am prickly, I don’t know how to act like a normal person when I look at people and wonder when they are going to attack me.

The feeling when I am just casually drowning. I can see the land, I can see people, but I can’t realistically paddle my way to the civilization.

“Oh… I need to check the parking…” said I, as I took a break from the mental breakdown.

Maybe this is why they have to pay people to work.

(I say this, as if people don’t NEED money to survive.)

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Hi, how are you? I went to sleep at 8pm right after dinner because food made me sleepy, now I am wide awake at an ungodly hour because I decided to sleep at 8pm.

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Side note:

I wish I could use the phrase “kitten, daddy doesn’t feel so good” casually in real life.

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Side note:

When my own mother replied “okay but that’s your opinion” when I said [insert something personal and controversial here].

You know how, like, if you visualized happiness as water, your brain as a jar; you could have a pretty straight forward view of “when the jar is full life is going good/ jar is almost empty life is kinda sucky rn but refills are coming soon.”

My brain right now is a colander. I’d done so much to fill the metaphorical jar that I didn’t realize everything I poured into it just fell right out of there instantaneously. (And I’ve poured a lot of stuff in there over the past couple of years.)

Chronic depression is having the tightest hold on me right now and I have a feeling that I’m going to go insane if I don’t find a way to break this cycle (asap).

I had been arguing with the voice in my head and tbh, the arguments had been mean; did not get any satisfaction from them.

It is like… what am I even doing??? It is like… god I am so sad but I am also a workaholic so I don’t have time to take a breather. And it’s also like… when I do force myself to work on a weekend (because I don’t want to deal with emotions) I get extra depressed BECAUSE I am forcing myself to work on a WEEKEND. AND…. It’s like…….. then I am like, ugh, you know what, I will NOT work on weekends anymore, then guess what? I still get more depressed because now I have this much free time to contemplate my own problems.

Am so antsy. What I need is someone to seriously abuse me a little. Kick me down and hurt me.

Not to mention that I am also sick right now. Yeah, I know I am sick as fuck mentally, I am talking about physically. I caught something bad at last week’s pottery class. I have been physically miserable for almost 5 days now. Not sick enough to not be at work though. So I will be miserable mentally and physically at work, bright and early tomorrow. :)

It does feel more intense this year.

Also, being emotionally unavailable for anything doesn’t help neither.

Wait… maybe this is a “chicken or egg” question.

Which comes first???

The feeling when: I am depressed af, but my daily itinerary is full because I plan ahead (I am a high functioning workaholic) and planing for things makes me happy. Does it work? Sometimes. But till the end of the day I just want to claw my guts out. Maybe I JUST need a nap.

Anyways…..

I don’t want to die; I just want to be in a coma (with no irl consequence*) for 8 months.

I am over it. Over everything, over everyone.