Cupcakes

It’s been a while since I have been here. Twitter was a haven for a while, but now that place is litered with people I don’t want to know my true feelings. So here we go again. 

The last 15 years have been nothing but grief and mourning, mostly the dead but some living too. I mourn who I used to be, who I used to know who I no longer do. I mourn how things used to be. 

Mostly I mourn the dead though, there’s been too much death in my life and it’s starting to catch up to me. I can’t stop from crying, and I am so scared of losing people I care about in my life I push them away instead and it feels just as bad as if they died sometimes. I can’t help it. My soul aches from the pain of the losses I have suffered. My heart hurts every day. Every day. 

Today was my cousins wedding anniversay. He died in March. They were only married in 2016. Looking at the pictures I see my uncle Mik who died last year, and my grandpa who died last year. It was just the anniversay of the death of a friend I lost back in high school. 

I can’t even begin to express how much loss I have had in my life and it feels as though, as soon as I stop crying something else. I am preparing for August which feels so soon yet so far. In one day it’s going to be my cousins birthday, my Grandpa (who died) birthday, and the anniversary of my other cousins suicide. My great uncle is dying as I type this and my close friend from high school is in the hospital again.