head in the clouds.

[ text ➤ jack ]: mine are about to die [ text ➤ jack ]: no kidding

Looking up from her cell phone, Jiyoon was taken back at his introduction. Or at least, lack thereof. Momentarily, her brows furrowed together, wondering if they had gotten the wrong person. That could be the reason, but it didn’t settle right with her. Puzzled, she soon placed the phone back into her purse that sat next to her on the bench.

“Are you from the company? Did they need me back for something?” Jiyoon tried to offer assistance by adding in her own assumption. It probably didn’t help by interrupting.

Deciding to hear what they wanted, she finally focused on their appearance. They did seem familiar to her, but she couldn’t pinpoint how or where she’d seen him. Ah, perhaps they were the person she had spoken to briefly at a cafe earlier that day. It was before the fan signing that Jiyoon needed to run to, and their conversation had been cut short when a bodyguard had interrupted in a rude manner. She left right after the incident with her group member, both heading to the small stage close-by.

Or was that someone else? 

He'd seen her earlier -- unattainable and unapproachable at least by his own standards. It was a wonder they even exchanged words. It wasn't like he hadn't met someone famous before. The country was small enough to run into a celebrity here and there. They were always filming for some variety show, some drama, some music video. He'd staked out a scene or two trying to break his dry streak of non paying acting gigs. It was hard to build up a portfolio with no budget. The starving artist gig was a singular struggle. Everyone just trying to make it and get money where they could. Himself included. The tea in his hand was a luxury. 

Coming across her was even better. He'd meant to say something earlier.  Confirmed by a stuttered sentence in her general direction. Figured one of his sisters would love him if he could snag an autograph. But their conversation had been cut short by the hustle and bustle of her seemingly busy life. He watched another opportunity walk out the door and tried to remind himself that he couldn't go begging for handouts. Even if he just wanted someone to take a chance on him.

"Ah, earlier. The cafe..." He trails off, spins the cup around in his hand to show her the name. They'd both been there. He was forgettable but the shock of her hair made it difficult for him to keep walking past, knowing who it was. "Not from the company. Unless you're offering me a job in which case I accept. I'd take anything over this." He waves a hand up and down the length of his torso, just in case she hadn't gotten a good look at his dirtied scrubs earlier.

"So like I was saying um -- " He's patting himself down. Looking for something, anything for her to sign so he can pawn it off to his younger siblings. "How do you feel about tea cups? Probably never signed one of these huh? Which in that case I’m making history in your life right now and you’ll never forget me."  

It's one of those just got off work, sitting outside the hospital eating a cold cup of noodles waiting for the bus type of situations. But he still has a smile on his face like someone's just dropped a stack into his lap. His day could've been better but it's like that on occasion. Sometimes things just don't go his way. Like now. The bus is running late. Twenty minutes behind. His phone is on 14% so it's not an option. His left earphone went dead and he's just desperate enough to keep the right one in because he can't afford another pair right now. The cheap ones kill the sound so it's not an idea he's going to entertain. He makes do.

He should be exhausted, a little frustrated, maybe even angry but he's chilling mostly in deep thought about what to say to the girl next to him. They've been enjoying an awkward silence, and awkward glances. The kind where he's looking away just as she looks up, or she's suddenly taken an interest in her shoes when he gets bored watching cars roll past.

He chews on his bottom lip, sniffs a little. His leg starts bouncing up and down. Where's his wit? Sparkling personality? Sapped out of him mostly by crying kids and angry parents. He's given all of himself over to patients it seems. But it wouldn't be him, if he didn't say something.

"So I got stabbed through the hand today with a butterfly iv, want to see?"  He doesn't wait for an answer. He's already unwrapping the bandage to show her. "I mean I took it like a champ, despite what anyone else might say. There was a lot of blood. And then I sniffed it, and things kind of just turned into my fantasy land after that. Like one minute a nurse was checking me out and the next like a giant cloud was talking to me and I was sitting on a rainbow and there was an unlimited supply of candy. She said I fainted but I don’t remember it like that. I was just in my happy place. There was a dog walking on it’s hind legs there. He chilled with me for a bit. Gave me some good life advice. Told me to avoid cats. And the cloud like every time he opened his mouth it drizzled little drops of soda and I don’t know I felt pretty right there. So all in all it wasn't a bad experience. Now I’ve got this cool scar. I said I was going to tell people I got infused with like mutant dna or something but I just told you the truth so...” He’s talking too much again. 

He's been saving for this concert at least half the year. Doing odd jobs here and there after school to make a little money just so they can get by. Most of it goes to Izzy because she needs new glasses bad. Some to Wen for his asthma. Xia is dealing with her first major social circle crisis. So he gives her what he can and when. Just so the word poor doesn't hang over her head like a plague. Jackson hasn't seen his father in eight months. On tour again. Forgets about his family whenever he's on the road. Too busy with his second set of kids. Maybe his third. His mother tries to pretend like she has no idea what he's talking about whenever he broaches the subject. But Jackson knows. He just wishes he didn't. He shouldn't be surprised when he's told he can't go. Doesn't matter that he's already bought the tickets. Chao Dao has a study group. His mother has to work. Someone has to cook something for his brothers and sisters. His mother promises she'll make it up to him. Jackson doesn't really care that she never does.

                                                         ----

It's taboo to have a family as big as theirs. So many mouths to feed. Too noisy. What's the point? Someone questions him at one point. He just shrugs. He didn't ask to be here. Jackson has been in hand me downs since he was six months old. He's never had his own room before. He's never had his own anything really. They do okay for a few months whenever his father returns. Lavished with brand new gifts and big smiles. This year it's bicycles. Scooters for the younger ones. Jackson stares at his with little interest. He should be excited but he really just wants to take a nap. Sneaking off isn't allowed. Someone has to stay outside and make sure Xia doesn't fall, and Tyler and Wen don't fight. Isabella's too small to ride on her own. Chao has already disappeared around the corner because he hates being there more than any of them. But it's easier now. A little money. Toys. New clothes. It's always good when he comes home. Until it's not.

                                                         ----

They fight about everything. It would bother him if he didn't know that they loved each other. Or used to. There are eight of them. How could they not? But Jackson remembers big fights when he was younger. When he thought they'd get a divorce and Jackson would be free to live away from his siblings but then someone was always being born and his father would always come home. Even after all the door slams. Even after his mother took her wedding ring off for the fourth or sixteenth time. Jackson doesn't realize until he's older that they're pawns. Maybe not Chao -- never Chao. But the rest of them? Careful tactics. Strategies in war. She keeps him close with every birth. He couldn't afford to leave. He tries not to think too much about it. Maybe if his father were a little more faithful, his mother a little less forgiving, they wouldn't be here.

                                                         ----

He's not sure when he starts to lose it. He hasn't seen his friends in almost two months outside of school. It's helping with homework, don't forget to take Ty to practice, Xia needs her hair washed, Izzy has a temperature, Alex wants a snack, Jie Jie's allergies are bad again and Wen needs a bath it's been three days. It's I need your help Jackson. I can't do this alone. A teacher suggest he talk to somebody. Jackson just wishes he'd cease to exist. Wonders what's the point in living if his life isn't even his own. It's when Xia breaks his camera that he loses himself. They can't afford another one and he's lost the only thing that brings him any joy these days. It's rare that he snaps, but it''s Chao that has to subdue him. Arms hemmed up behind his back as glass crunches beneath his feet and blood runs down his face. He hated it here. He hated them.

                                                         ----

He wonders what it's like to be calm. With the anger brewing in him the way it does. He thinks he might not ever know. Chao tells him he has to let it out, but he isn't sure how. Doesn't know what to do when he's not smiling. He never feels like himself. Isabella sneaks in first. Scared to sleep without her night light but even more scared of where her brother is. She doesn't know him like this. She doesn't want to. He let's her in the bed. Makes her stop sucking her thumb. Tells her funny stories that don't help get her to sleep any quicker but they make her smile. Grin toothy and wide. Alex comes next. Just wanting to see if he was going to run away. 'Mom and dad said you would.' He's never looked that small. Never looked that worried. He lets him in too. Jackson makes room on the bed when Wen climbs across his legs. Too rattled to sleep. Ty is rubbing at his eyes five minutes later because he can't sleep without Wen's snores. Jie Jie is scared that Izzy isn't in their room. She stumbles in frantic and pouts that they always have sleepovers without her. Ty reminds her gently that she still pees the bed, and she sneaks under Jackson's arm with an embarrassed whine. Xia comes last. She's been crying. Puffy swollen eyes, and snot collecting around her nostrils. She wails that she's sorry. She didn't mean to break it. She doesn't want him to go to jail for wrecking the house. She'll get a job if she has to. He rolls his eyes. Welcomes her into the bed too. Swears that he can't ever stay mad at her. He's just working through something. She's still his favorite he promises, with multiple protest from Wen and Jie Jie about how he tells them the same thing.

                                                         ----