[MSG:] What if you jacked off onto some soil and then some humans started sprouting?
[MSG:] For the last time, we are not naming our child āActual Proof I Lost My Virginity!ā
[MSG:]Ā Whatās life without a pregnancy scare?
[MSG:] I got a masters degree in being ignored.
[MSG:] He sneezed into my face mid-kiss.
[MSG:] Well, PukeFest 2k14 just happened.
[MSG:]Ā No worries, Iāve prioritized my homework into ācan do drunkā and āshould be soberā categories. Weāre good.
[MSG:]Ā Iām giving head in a stairwell, Iāll be back in a few minutes. Iām so ashamed.
[MSG:]Ā I can only rely on you and Taco Bell.
[MSG:] I just shaved the Batman symbol into my pubes.
[MSG:]Ā Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. Thatās my life now.
[MSG:] Iām like the Sherlock Holmes of figuring out peopleās sexual fetishes.
[MSG:] Iām giving my fifteen year old sister blowjob advice. This is probably illegal somewhere.
[MSG:] Someone in this bar yelled āOI, SLUT!ā and I automatically looked up.
[MSG:]Ā Iām laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
[MSG:] YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIDNāT KNOW. THE āCONGRATS ON TAKING MY CHILDāS VIRGINITYā CAKE SHE GAVE ME SAYS OTHERWISE.
[MSG:]Ā Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
[MSG:]Ā No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and weāll call it even.
[MSG:] I stopped you from sending your teacher nude pics last night. Once you sober up, you owe me, BIG TIME.
[MSG:]Ā He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
[MSG:] That audition I went to? Turned out to be for porn.
[MSG:] Pro tip: sex on a waterbed is not as good as an idea as it sounds.
[MSG:]Ā I donāt care how ugly she is, I canāt turn down a free movie and blowjob. In this economy thatās downright irresponsible.
[MSG:] Youāre the third person to ever have sex with me. (Well, for free.)
[MSG:]Ā I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse.
[MSG:]Ā Um, thatās called prostitution.
[MSG:]Ā I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
[MSG:] Not sure what I need more⦠a shoulder to cry on or a dick to suck.