Kicks and Griggles

(Alternately: how to identify problematic YA romances.)

Written by yours truly, contributions from @jltillary, @theinkrepository, @time-to-write-and-suffer, and @sakrebleu.

Non-consensual physical intimacy, especially in situations where it’s portrayed as being done for the benefit of the victim or situations where the victim forgives the forced intimacy because they decide they like it after it’s already been forced on them. Examples:

Forcing a partner to accept physical comfort when they don’t want it.

Kissing a partner in the middle of an argument.

Framing consent as unnecessary simply because one person is attracted to the other.

Stalking the other person, even for their own safety.

Forcing the other person into some form of physical intimacy because they “liked it last time.”

Implying that it’s normal for a certain physically intimate act to hurt and/or their partner should grin and bear it.

Skipping over their partner’s preferred forms of intimacy in favor of what they want to do with/to their partner.

When in doubt: Consent should be explicitly given!!

Non-consensual communication. Examples:

Physically stopping a partner from leaving in order to continue talking with them.

Bringing up a topic the other person has made clear they don’t wish to discuss yet.

Forcing the other person into conversations with people they previously showed they did not wish to talk with.

Manipulating the conversation so that the other person shares a secret, especially one that doesn’t affect their partner.

Emotional manipulation. Examples:

Telling the other person to do something (i.e. ‘go away’) as a test, where the person is at fault if they follow through and do as their partner asked.

Blaming the other person for things beyond their control, especially “I wouldn’t be like this if not for you/your interests/your goals.”

Claiming they’ll die (or kill themselves) if the other person leaves.

Not wanting the other person to have friends of the same gender as their partner (i.e. a man not wanting his girlfriend to have any male friends).

“If you really loved me you would do x, y, and z.”

Demanding to be the most important part of their partner’s life, above and beyond their partner’s other responsibilities.

Cheating on their partner as a form of punishment.

Acting as though physical intimacy (or any other sort of intimacy) isn’t important, but then blaming the other person for not supplying it.

Acting distant or cruel until the other person does what they want, or because the other person didn’t do what they wanted.

Demeaning actions and words, especially in instances where they blame the actions and words on internalized sexism, racism, etc as a shield, in instances outside of high-stress arguments, and whenever the character isn’t sincerely sorry for what they did or makes no point to change. Examples:

Stating the other person’s interests or hobbies are inferior or a waste of time.

Telling them they were look better if they did x, y and z.

Demanding they stop doing something or start doing something else based on their gender, race, etc.

Placing the other person in a subordinate role without their partner’s explicit consent.

Not sharing certain pieces of information because they believe they know what’s best for their partner and don’t need the other person’s consent to act upon it.

Bonus: Glorification of a partner simply for not demeaning the other person, (i.e. for acting like  an average, decent human being,) especially when the partner in question boasts how amazing they are for loving their “curvy”/non-white/bisexual/not-like-other-girls/etc partner.

Disney animator Andreas Deja drawing his characters Lilo & Scar.