欲望と感情

“Babe, are you sure you don’t mind me going out tonight? Jay asked, jacket thrown over his tattooed arm, fancy jewelry sparkling under the lights of the chandelier that hung in your forum. You could see in his eyes that he was hoping you would still let him go, desperate to be away from you and go to her. You nodded against your better judgement, a pain crushing your heart and a sick feeling overcoming your stomach. You knew what he meant by going out, but he thought you were clueless, having known you when you were naïve and gullible to everything. He thought you didn’t know what he was doing when he would leave early in the evening and not return till’ all hours of the morning.

He thought that if he snuck out in the middle of the night claiming he had some inspiration for a song that you wouldn’t catch on. He wasn’t very good at his own game though. You knew exactly what he was doing and who he was doing it with. You had met her, talked to her, befriended her. That added to the hurt, even more so when she smiled in your face pretending she wasn’t sleeping with the very man you had given your life to and told him you loved him every night before he would leave to see her.

 Your hands rested on your stomach, a burning sensation pulling at the back of your eyes and you knew you would be crying that night, yet some part of you wanted to do something about it. “It’s okay, I’ll be fine by myself.” You said quietly, the childish part of you hoping he would decide against going out and stay with you. Just maybe he would give up his rendezvous. He nodded watching your motion for a second before grabbing his car keys from the expensive crystal bowl next to the front door. “Thanks baby. I love you.” Those were the last words he said before he was out the door to go to another women. Lies was what they were. If he loved you he wouldn’t be destroying every last bit of you for an hour of pleasure.

A sob tore from your lips and you collapsed to your knees, burying your face in your hands. Why did it hurt so much? You knew how he was yet you got too attached and you ended up just like the previous girls he had been with. You though you could change him. He acted so much sweeter than he had with anyone else, treated you like a queen and have you his undivided attention, but what changed? Was it you? Were you not giving him everything he wanted? You felt anger settle in the corners of your mind and slowly consume your aching heart. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t deserve this, your baby didn’t deserve this.