Be Applaud

Today is the day of acceptance, walking away, learning that bonds can be made to be broken. I Love Me, I Appreciate Me, I Accept Me, I Protect Me, I Trust Me, I Treat Me. I want to get in tune with myself learn to love, love for myself to become a better woman for me and my child making not the right decisions but the correct decisions. What you feel is right, have to make sure it is correct. After that i had made my final decisions I finally accept me to protect me. What ever the next step god has planned for me I trust it for me. I have to love me and appreciate myself to let love, love me because I’m so down on myself. I have to remember to treat myself with flowers 💐 and roses 🌹 while I can still smell them for myself healing, my peace, my space, and lyft my spirits. A mind is terrible place to play and a gut is hard to ignore. I will not let my mind trick what my gut feels again. I want to in a space of pure peace, mind full of happiness and courage, and most importantly feel good about myself. They say when you feel good you look good. I don’t want to be in this dark place where I feel scared to make a move for a better me. It’s time for me to finally heal me, make me stronger than what I am because all I have is me to hear. Last relationship is my last for life, I will not put myself in another predicament like that again, thinking this is what o have to accept and deal with when all in reality in the real world once I opened up my eyes, I don’t have to deal with it. Bonds means nothing if you don’t have anything to remember them. If there’s nothing to look back at on than there’s nothing to remember. So it was never a bond especially without a piece of silvanear to look at to remember the bond. Loving myself and knowing myself is what I have to bond with first before I let anything else that happened in this last relationship with my next. Once I feel happy I can make whoever god puts in my life next happy. I just pray the next is the best for me and especially my kid, I can not let my kid see his mom not get treated like a queen 👸 she is. Don’t want him seeing nothing but happiness and joyfulness and that’s all because it’s his world 🌎 I just have to make it perfect for him to grow knowing what’s right hand wrong. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️👩‍👦

I thought at 25 you supposed to be married or engaged or even have an promise ring. But instead I’m just a single mom stuck with a baby to raise by myself in this cold vicious world. It scares me that I dnt know what ppl true intentions be about with dealing with me. I know I’m a good person with good intentions that will support and give anything you need. It’s very hard to get a true real man in my generation, me and a good friend of mine talk about all the time. Why we can’t just have a good protective man on our side maybe, god saying we not ready yet. We always say maybe we just better off being alone taking care of our kids and just getting by, day by day everyday life shit. In this generation these men that’s being brought up is a waste of time to deal with. It just make you want to be alone because it just be so much shit going on now, and days you can’t trust no one, love today will never be like the 20’s, 30’s, when a black man was only about his one black woman and actually fought for her by being her protector, today we don’t have that at all. It’s very rare to find those kind of men in today’s world, and if a women does find one like that she’s very lucky and better value that shit and keep it private. Three things to keep private your money, love life, and how you living. The only people you suppose to trust is your wife/husband and parents are the only three that should know your private situations to be comfortable talking to and also two really good friends to count on. What happen to raising a man that can take care what he love, being supportive, building and making a home and family. Today it’s just a whole lot of bullshit that ignorance really took over men being scared stepping up to the plate. It’s a lot of little boys today that want you to play mommy and do everything while they just make a nest to stay. By me being a single mom, already having a baby out of a failed relationship made me wise up to find what I really need in my life to have a positive and happy life. Made me realize in that relationship I wasn’t loving myself enough because I was grown but yet still young making foolish decisions. But that’s just a little hiccup in life, I still got to do the things I wanted to do even though it took a little time but there’s no rush for anything in life because it’s still more things I have to do and see. I’m at a point and chapter in my life where I’m ready to have that 5-10 year relationship than marriage and family but it’s not never going to happen. I’m trapped in the wrong generation and feel very alone and I think im going to stay that way for a very long time. Because these men are truly a waste of time want to have this bitch and that bitch because of the next man or friends. Worry about what they friends going to say if they do treat a female right because they friend don’t trust females so they think they have to roll with that. But this one im about bring up is going to put the icing on the cake. Which is when a guy meet a female who has a child already and think cos she have a child or children she is not be trusted what so ever because of the child’s father. This is where us single moms who want a real man, to step up to the plate but yet get these little boys taking teenage steps that wants to be your child too. What happen to the men that don’t give a fuck about shit like that, step up to the plate, build a home and do his part as man. Making sure that, his women don’t ever have to worry/think about that last man doing his share, because he’s doing it cause she’s going to be the wife of his kids next, and that child is going to be his also. There is nothing wrong with a love like that because you build the trust, no matter what other ppl think. In this generation a man like that, other ppl are jealous because they can’t be a man that can really actually take care one female and have that one female love them like no other, doing all things together, so If they have a negative comment, joke about, they are jealous of the relationship and want you to be like them feeling unloved.

Prologue

“Tyriq I’m sick of this bullshit I can’t take it any more” Kenya said as she start packing up her clothes from the walk in closet. “Bitch you not going no where with my fcking son not even to the corner store” Tyriq yelled at her standing by the closet door. “Mf you can have this whole condo to your self I’m out idgaf what you say” Kenya said walking out the room towards the baby room. “Alright bitch you asked for it” Tyriq said as he was walking into the closet to get his gun. As Kenya was walking into the baby room she felt something steaming in her back and fell to the floor she started screaming when she saw the blood on the white fluffy carpet floor and passed out. “Oh shit wtf I do, baby baby I’m sorry please wake up damn wtf” Tyriq started crying holding her in his arms.

Emergency 🚨

Ambulance came rushing into the condo building to the 23rd floor. “Okay, okay we have a heart beating let’s move her to the hospital fast” the lady paramedic said. “Baby I’ll be right here when you get out okay, if you die I’ll kill you, you hear me” Tyriq whispered in Kenya ear as they was running her into the ambulance car. Kenya eyes was rolled back she tried to open them but she couldn’t everything was blur to her, she tried to think and remember how the hell she end up in the fcking ambulance but life started to flash back at her to the beginning of her child hood.

CHAPTER ONE

Growing up in the projects shit wasn’t easy for Kenya and her twin brother name Malik brother, the only black kids in the hood with Hazel eyes. They mother left them when they was only 5 years old “Mommy please don’t go” (5 year old Kenya cried) “I’m sorry baby but this not the life I wanted for us right now I’ll be back I promise” Her said walking out the house door. After the mom left, it was just Kenya and her twin brother and her alcoholic father.

They lived in the back of the project’s the last building on the 5th floor. Living with they father wasn’t the easiest since he was drunk and only worked for his needs to get drunk every weekend and bring home chicks that was never going to be a mom figure for Kenya and her brother. He made sure bills was paid on time and shit but buying stuff that Kenya and her brother really needed clothes shoes and hair done they had to find ways for it. They started stealing out the malls, and asking friendly neighbors in the hood to do Kenya hair.

They always find and made they way out shit, when they turned 16 Kenya thought it would be a good idea to start working after school and on the weekends. She got tired of being the OutKast of shit and missing out on fun because of her living and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Her brother did the same as well but also started hustling on the side too.