I'm weird. That about covers it.

Lady Tremaine, Part 7

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

My brother’s really Sephiroth, and Eli was adopted by a Wyvern.

Me: i’m considering chopping all of my brother’s hair off and giving him a real reason to go into seclusion.

Ray: because that would totally be the end of the world, yes ma'am

I’M BALD

OH GOD

THEY WERE RIGHT

2012 REALLY IS THE APOCALYPSE

nevermind that it is 2011 we can speed the calendar up a bit

Me: lmao. yet another reason i need to try and get mom to buy me a digital camera for my birthday this year. *cackle* ‘please mom, i have to document his fall into madness!’

Ray: and then, Earth’s version of Sephiroth arises

without the hair, of course

Me: *dies* i’d better get my katana back from him beforehand, then. it’s not as long as Masamune, but it’s still sharp.

Ray: better watch out, Amy

he’ll be calling down a meteor soon

…uh oh

he’s the cause of all the earthquakes, isn’t he

it’s already begun

Me: ….i had not considered this. i must get my friends and minions to safety! but first, we’ll need to finish that gummi ship in the garage i’ve been making the Chip and Dale illusions work on. >_>

Ray: horde all your Gummi candies

build, build, build!

so that you can retreeeeeat!

Me: the cheap ass Safeway version of gummi worms work especially well, i’ve found. too tough to chew on, might as well use 'em for structure.

Ray: excellent, you’ll be finished in no time!

Me: and then i can shove in seven- no eight cats, need to bring Oblivion- ooh, and Saix, so nine - and then i can pick up you, Robin, Gin, the rest of my minions…

Ray: and then we can all fly out into the sunset!

…but to where will we go

I don’t think anyone ever gets that far

Me: hunting for real life keyblade masters? >>

Ray: sounds like a plan~

Me: and the Jalen plushie gets to steer.

Ray: and then we get horribly, horribly lost.

maps? what are those?!

Me: yes, we don’t need those outdated pieces of paper….we’ve got mystical gps!

Ray: that we do!

oh, and world shifts.

can’t forget the world shifts.

Me: well, variety is good. we’ll make everyone an inflatable house that fits in a backpack that they keep with them all the time, and no problem! except for the giant dragon/heartless/hydra that’s three seconds away from eating you while you’re setting it up.

Ray: lol yeah

wow world shift already??

let me set up my portable house before a storm hits!

HEY THERE WYVERN DON’T TEAR UP MY INFLATABLE HOUSE

OH GOD DON’T COME AFTER ME

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Me: *dies* that. would be a problem. i’m picturing you running away with flailing arms as the wyvern gives chase. hysterical. ……i need to do that to Eli sometime.

Ray: that’s exactly how it would work out, too

maybe the wyvern catches him

and carries him off to its nest

“I will raise it as if it were my own! >:|b”

Me:: *snickerdie* Eli all 'WTF how do i get DOWN from here’. or he’d make friends because he’s his mother’s son, and come home with it while everyone is freaking out. 'look, i made a friend! i named him Yen Sid!’

Ray: lmao he would totes do that

that would be freaking awesome

Ray would be so proud

Me: lmao. hey, he’s heard about the behemoth deal. he wants to impress her with something just as cool, but hopefully not something that’ll fry him.

Ray: fff

Ray is a danger to her pupils just from her past

that’s… great XD

Me: >__> hey, at least the kid doesn’t idolize Rak.

Ray: so true XD he’d be disowned as a student

Me: Eli: 'but….but….aunt Raaaaaayyyyy….i only wanted to see how he does things, i wasn’t gonna learn any of 'em!’ *cue Puppy Eyes of Doom*

Ray: Seeing how he does things is learning how to do them. /frown

Me: Eli: *scuffs shoe, pouts some more* i love you bestest of all?

Ray: /GLOWER OF DOOM

Me: Eli: *wilts, then brightens* i got you something! *digs around in his pocket and pulls out a flattened gummi bear* here!

and Eli would have to introduce his Yen Sid to THE Yen Sid…

Ray: …that would be horrible XD

Me: i’m kinda imagining Yen Sid wondering if anyone’s actually RAISING this boy, or if the refs are just letting him run wild for their own amusement.

Ray: he ought to know Ray enough by now to know that she’s doing the latter C:

Me: lol. it’s so much more fun! weekend sleepovers at Ray’s house, full of 'do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t kill the house’. since, you know, he’s on a leash for his actual training.