Tor's Take

I had not heard of this movie until friends suggested it for my list of movies to watch. They especially pointed out the amazing rap moment and that’s really all I knew that I could not infer from the title.

This movie doesn’t waste time getting to the saxophone-heavy music. This is how it should be. I can’t tell you how many movies I watch that make me wait for the sax solo. And sometimes it doesn’t even come! Looking at you, The Godfather.

We’ve all had that dream where a mystery hunk in a dress shirt with rolled up, short sleeves and Cavariccis slinks towards you in the dark. Why do we have to wake up???

No matter how good you look and feel, never stand on a ledge in heels. Maybe block heels but not the ones she has on.

Louise’s little brother eats sheet cake under her bed and reads her diary, actually ripping pages out. He’s clearly a psychopath that deserves whatever magic comes his way.

Her dad is not creepy. He’s just someone who likes his daughter to wear his favorite color.

Hot guy from the dream (Brad) rocks a 5.0 Mustang and is dating the popular girl (Randa) living right across the street from Louise. Why do the important people in these movies always live so close to each other? I bet Brad went 300 feet before he had to honk that horn (not a euphemism) for Randa.

Louise’s best friend (Polly) is excessively frumpy. She has on so many layers, I don’t know how the bike could support the weight. She’s dressed like she’s arriving at Ellis Island from the old country.

Louise and Polly wear disrespectfully large trench coats most of the time. The kind I would only wear if I was trying to cut weight for a fight. I know Louise will eventually be made over into a hottie but she doesn’t really need to start in a cocoon. In She’s All That, they simply used glasses.

There’s a trio of rappers that serenade the school. I will call them The Leastie Boys.

Louise has skipped grades because she’s so smart. I get it now. If I was a younger kid amongst seniors, I’d want to hide myself under as much wool and tweed as possible.

There’s a particularly horrific scene where the diary page that her brother ripped out is accidentally handed in with her homework and the teacher reads the whole thing to the class. Between the brother, the dad, and this awful teacher, I’m not going to be surprised if there’s a clown in the sewers.

The girls’ gym uniform is.a purple leotard and that’s it. No shorts. No trench coat.

The popular girls spontaneously break into a song called “I Like Boys.” Is this a musical? She’s introducing them all to this song and they are choreographing it on the spot beautifully. I guess if you feel confident enough in that leotard, you can do anything.

It appears that the leotards are stuck to their bodies. They don’t ever take them off. They have clearly showered because they are drying their hair while still in the gym leotards.

Brad works out shirtless on the football field. He throws a football twice at a tire and never misses. They cut from the throw to the same shot of the ball traveling through the tire. “There’s no time to throw two balls through a tire! Use the same clip! We have six more hours of leotard footage to shoot!”

Quick question: If you were doing an audition for a play and your scene was a kissing one with the girl whose diary about being into you was read out loud in front of you, would you have any awkwardness in the audition? Brad doesn’t. Nothing weird about this. Does he have the memory of a goldfish?

Brad, too aroused by teenage hanky panky, almost runs over Louise on her bike. He stops the car and tries to help her by offering a ride home. Is Brad a misunderstood jock hunk? Randa makes him leave but he was really concerned. What a sweet goldfish man.

With a broken bike and no cell phones, Louise is forced to seek the help of the nearby fortune teller. The fortune teller (Madame Serena) doesn’t let her use the phone and basically robs her of the last cash she has on her.

Madame Serena notices something odd during her palm reading and asks her name again. When Louise says “Miller,” Madame Serena realizes she is a witch with powers that will come to fruition on her 16th birthday. We later learn that Madame Serena and Louise go back 100s of years with witch souls (or whatever). If you had a spiritual connection with someone named “Miller,” I think you wouldn’t miss it the first time. Maybe she should look into getting a third ear instead of a third eye.

We learn that Goldfish Brad can Fonzie a Coke out of a machine. The impressive part about this is that Cokes were only 60 cents. I want to go to there.

Louise turns 16 while her brother dry humps the table in excitement for birthday cake. Feel free to watch it. There’s other way to describe it.

Randa asks Louise if she’d like to go on a date with her cousin from out of town. This is definitely going to work out.

The cousin is an insane nerd who is acting as if he only has one night to live. He asks her if she wants to smoke weed at one point. Then once he’s all drugged up, he tries to get some loving in the car on the way home. It’s cringe-y. Thankfully Louise is gaining powers and makes him literally disappear.

Louise turns her brother into a dog. As if I didn’t hate him enough already, now he’s a talking animal. (See Hocus Pocus)

Madame Serena gives Louise a book of spells. She uses a spell to make the popular girls tell each other the truth. It starts off with calm “you’re not a good singer” insults but gets real, super fast. One points out the other’s “alkie mother.”

Louise wants to make Brad love her and it appears that the secret to casting a good spell is cayenne pepper or maybe paprika.

Brad comes over Louise’s house to work on his English paper. Louise apparently removes the hundreds of chairs from her room so they’d have to sit on the bed. How many chairs does a teenage girl typically have in her room? It’s certainly enough for each family member to barge in and immediately notice them all missing.

Louise thinks better of forcing Brad to like her and gets all the chairs out of her closet. She’s a good person deep down.

The awful teacher is back and this time, goes through Louise’s bag and shows her birth control pills to the class. How does this teacher, even in the 80s, have a job?

Louise rightfully gets revenge. She makes a voodoo doll of the teacher and makes him undress in front of the class. The principal catches him right as Louise pulls the dolls underwear down. Somehow he still has a job. Tenure is amazing.

We finally get to the Rap Off I’ve been hearing so much about. Leader of the Leasties and Polly battle it out for one verse each. Honestly, this could have gone on longer. I know there was magic behind it but Polly’s verse was fire.

Brad tells Louise that someone like him has to go out with the most popular girl in school no matter how terrible she is. Social expectations are the worst. Instead of convincing Brad that he doesn’t have to be with Randa, it would be easier to cast a spell to make yourself popular. Maybe even insanely popular.

The chunky knit sweater budget was out of control for this movie

We have a montage showing us the extent of her popularity. She gets applause when she arrives places. People follow her around. The Leastie Boys rap for her. And her wardrobe consists of so much more denim.

Brad takes her to a lookout point that they have to climb up to and she’s unfortunately too popular for sensible footwear. It’s hard to climb up a sunflower hill in heels. But you do what you have to do to wear the crown!

In this abandoned house, they take off some of their six layers of clothing. Then they make out in the dirty house like only the most popular kids in school could.

Everyone starts dressing and wearing their hair like Louise. Polly gets left out of everything. I don’t know if scenes were cut out (What could possibly be considered “not good enough” for this film?) but we never have the scene where the newly popular girl treats her best friend like garbage and has to apologize. I know Polly misses her but I bet she could just ask Louise to hang out. Anyway, Louise tries to talk to Polly and Polly makes her feel bad.

Because she is so popular, Louise has to sneak out the back of her house to avoid her adoring classmates. Brad picks her up on a side street and takes her for a drive. They go out on the river to talk as teenagers do. He asks her to the dance. She turns him down because she thinks he’s been tricked him into liking her. She wants it real.

Louise wants to undo the popularity spell and she talks Madame Serena into coming to the dance with her to help her do it. No one questions bringing a tiny, old woman as your date to the dance. Not even the teachers.

She wishes the popularity away in the middle of the dance floor. People stop looking at her but Goldfish Brad still feels the pull for regular Louise. He walks slowly towards her. They touch fingertips and roll them up so the palms touch. This happens in a lot of romantic movies. I don’t get it. It’s a good way to train yourself to high five. You learn proper hand alignment. What you want the finish to be. But it’s not romantic. Either way, they kiss and all is good.

This is a fine, late 80s teen movie. It’s essentially a knock-off Sabrina the Teenage Witch. The brother, the nerd date, and the awful teacher were unnecessary. Now that I think about it, the nerd date never reappeared. In most movies you’d have him reappear somewhere embarrassing like under a manure truck that’s about to be dumped. In this movie, he vanishes into nothingness. It’s haunting.

Also, they show that water undoes her spells in the beginning and never return to that either. I was expecting the boat to tip over when she had that moment with Brad on the river. That never happened.

And, finally, she never made up with Polly. Where’s the learned-her-lesson reunion with the best friend, awkwardly hugging through all the layers?

I miss doing these entries. Mostly I miss adding movies to my watched list. Obviously, I’ve never seen Hocus Pocus. That’s why we’re here.

What did I know about Hocus Pocus? I knew there were witches and I knew Bette Midler had fun teeth. And she certainly did!

My thoughts:

We open on Salem in the 1600s following the shadow of a flying witch. The music was straight out of the Danny Elfman playbook but I guess they couldn’t get him so they found an equivalent Ray Parker, Jr. to Elfman’s Huey Lewis. (If you don’t know)

Pink smoke comes out of the chimney of the witch house which means someone’s gender reveal party resulted in a girl! Unfortunately they had to sacrifice a different little girl to find out.

The old-timey boy we meet is wearing a shirt that can only be described as billowy. He should take off like a kite when he runs. Yet somehow when he violently tumbles down a forest hill, none of that very excessive fabric gets caught on anything. Is the fabric even there or are we imagining it?

The witches (Sanderson Sisters) use a book made of human skin and a functioning eyeball. I shall call this book “Columbo.”

It’s very nice of them to put a mill wheel next to the witch house for the boy to climb.

Okay, so Bette Midler has lightning fingers like Emperor Palpatine.

I honestly thought the witches were going to be misunderstood and everyone would win at the end but killing a little girl for her youth and turning the boy into an immortal cat really puts a big wrench in the redemption arc chances.

The townspeople stage a hanging. The witches curse the town that they will return much like Pennywise only scarier.

We fast forward to find out that the opening is a story that is told in a Salem high school class where the kids apparently range in age from 14-28.

A new-to-town California boy (Max) doesn’t buy into all the witch lore. No mention on why his first day of school is Halloween. Parents did not plan that move well.

Max is into Allison, the pretty girl in school that leads with her teeth in every conversation. Did Rami Malek pull some his Freddy Mercury from her?

Max rides his bike home from school at super speed. He is either an exceptional mountain biking improviser or he practiced it the day before to be really ready for school. Probably the latter.

On his shortcut through the cemetery, he runs into two kids, Jay and Ice. Jay seems to be all the bad parts of Bill and Ted combined and Ice seems to be 40.

Jay and Ice take Max’s sneakers because that’s what bullies in the early 90s did. It makes pedaling home slower which may be for the best. He rode his bike too quickly.

Max does not like being here in Salem anymore. We learn this as he angrily takes off his hat, backpack, and jacket.

Max comforts himself by awkwardly hugging and cooing to his pillow pretending it’s Allison. His little sister, Dani, catches the awkwardness, gets on the bed, and simulates being Allison which is normal.

The house appears to have an unlimited number of stairs to climb up to get away in frustration.

Max reluctantly takes his sister trick-or-treating. He has the appropriate level of older brother standoffishness.

Jay and Ice stop the sister asking for her candy. Max gives the candy to the bullies and she tells him he should have been a man and fought them. Again one of them is like 40.

Max makes up with her using a pouty face. Like! A! Man!

They find a rich house that they assume will make them bob for apples. This is a bad idea even in non-pandemic times. Never bob for apples at a stranger’s house. No matter how rich they are. That’s how rich people fatten you up to make you easier to hunt.

Max and Dani let themselves inside and start robbing the place of their Raisinets and O Henry bars. Rich people give out terrible candy.

Turns out the rich house belongs to Allison. They are having a party and everyone there is authentically dressed like royals. They did not get any of these costumes at Spirit Halloween.

Dani tells Allison that she can’t wear Allison’s royal dress because she doesn’t have yabbos and proceeds to tell her that Max loves her yabbos. This girl is outrageous. Or rude. It was a fine line in 1993.

Max asks Allison to take them to the Sanderson Sisters’ house. She tells him she’s going to quickly change out of a dress that must have taken her 45 minutes to get into.

The house is no different than it used to be. The spell book is still there. How have Jay and Ice not stolen anything from it?

Immortal Cat attacks Max when he wants to light the “virgin candle” that will bring back the Sanderson sisters. It’s a great sequence where he says the name of the movie (always important), then pulls a Zippo out of his pocket (which all kids who don’t smoke have), and lights the candle.

It starts things. Hair blows a lot. This is why they had Max be a surfer boy from California. For this hair effect.

This movie cares a lot about someone being a virgin. Even Dani knows what a virgin is. Are they covering this in her second grade class? Do the parents know? What does the PTA think?

The candle makes the Sisters return and they try to keep Dani. Bette Midler uses more of her Star Wars lightning fingers but Allison saves the day.

The cat can talk and the chances of me liking this movie just took a huge hit.

Max steals Columbo, the spell book.

The writers of the movie do the right thing by having the Sisters be scared of everything modern like roads and fire trucks. Nice touch.

The Sisters only have tonight, which adds the right amount of stakes, to get the spell book back. I don’t think I could make it if they had a week or so.

The Sisters raise the dead causing a very reluctant zombie (RZ) to chase after the kids. Most zombies love what they do so this is a fun choice.

Immortal Cat gets run over by a bus but lives because he’s immortal. We needed proof because the 300 years of being a cat was not enough.

Garry Marshall plays a guy dressed as the devil which they play for fun as the Sisters worship him but we can’t gloss over that fact that Fake Devil’s wife is played by his real-life sister, Penny Marshall. It’s not disturbing. They’re acting!

Children steal the Sisters’ brooms which probably won’t matter later.

They find a Halloween party that Max’s parents went to. When Max’s dad meets Allison, he kisses her hand. I am going to do the same to whoever my kid brings home one day. “It’s from Hocus Pocus. That movie’s fun. It’s not weird.”

Bette Midler gets to sing a song. That should satisfy the requirements from her contract. The song puts a spell on the partygoers forcing them to dance until they die. Somehow the kids are immune to it. Can they shut off their ears? Are they also magical?

The kids lure the Sisters into the school incinerator and burn them alive. It’s a strong play. The kids celebrate as if there is not 30 minutes left in the movie.

Immortal Cat, in a time of reflection, brings up his sister and Max says “You really miss her, huh?” He has been trapped as a cat after failing to save his sister’s life 300 years earlier. He misses her. Why not “Hey, do you ever wonder what might have happened if you saved her life?”

Without any explanation, the Sisters are fine. They run into Jay and Ice who insult them. The Sisters cage Jay and Ice and make them hang from the witch house ceiling. The bullies are crying. Maybe they aren’t so tough after all. <High Fives No One>

Allison decides to find a spell to uncat Immortal Cat. She opens Columbo causing it to glow. The glow lures Bette Midler and the Sisters to her. Allison fails to notice the glow but learns that salt can keep them safe.

The Sisters steal the book and Dani when Allison only uses the salt to protect herself. She really took care of number one here.

Now Sarah Jessica Parker gets to sing a real creepy song that summons all the children from the town. It really shows you the power of song. Again, Max and Allison must have turned off their hearing for this.

Max and Allison trick the Sisters into thinking sun is coming early by using a car headlight. It works but I don’t understand why. They had the sun 300 years ago. They know what it looks like. “Is that a person in a brown sweat suit and green hat or a tree?”

While the Sisters are scared of the car headlight, Max steals back his sneakers but doesn’t save the bullies. How does he know he won’t need the bullies to be on his side in the future? Has he not seen every other high school movie?

They drive away and Bette Midler brooms after them. We know how fast Max likes to go so it is impressive Bette Midler can keep up.

Reluctant Zombie shows up and Max pulls a knife on him. So Max has a knife and a zippo. He might be a problem.

They take the final showdown to a cemetery which is an odd choice. Why not a miniature golf course or a TCBY. Were they still around in 1993?

Max brings a bat to a magic fight. Allison still has her salt. “Bats and salt: Working together to inconvenience witches since 1881!”

Max sacrifices himself to save Dani. The sun comes up as Bette Midler is sucking the life out of Max. Just when you think it might be a better sun-impersonating headlight, Bette Midler turns into a statue and explodes. Definitely the sun.

Immortal Cat dies so he can be with his sister. Billowy shirt ghost appears to say thanks with a kiss on Dani’s cheek (so normal) before he runs off with his ghost sister for eternity.

They did it! They saved Salem! Quite a first day for Max..

It was the first episode of Season 4 and you couldn’t mask for better talent. I haven’t blogged in awhile. It’s good to see I’ve still got it. This blog will only discuss my thoughts on the performances and my guesses on who they might be. I will not comment on the judges. Wait. I won’t comment on the judges unless I don’t have enough to say about the performance and need filler. And, Nick Cannon, well…it bothers me that he says he know who everyone is. His diamond shoes might bother me more than that though. Yes, diamond shoes and then, know-it-all-ness. 

Sun - “Cuz I Love You” - The costume is fire. (Nailed it.) With the yellow eyes, I’m getting “Most Fabulous Jawa” energy. The face looks upside down. Now that I’ve pointed it out, it can bother you too! The singing was very good. The verses were not as strong as the choruses. That’s nitpicky though. It may have been the country twang that came out in the rapping. In the verses, it sounded like Miley Cyrus which would fit the Disney thing and being a huge star when young. However, it did not sound like Miley on the chorus. Oh and Miley Cyrus is not doing the Masked Singer. That’s a Jenny McCarthy guess. (I didn’t make it very far.) I’m going to guess Leann Rimes. She has.a lot of gold records. She had a Disney Channel concert special. She has an album called “Sittin’ on Top of the World” which sounds like the goddamn sun. She has a song called “Can’t Fight the Moon Light” which the sun stops doing around dusk every day. The Frozen clue could be about her many Christmas Albums and the predominant color in the movie Frozen is blue, her first big hit. And her falsetto when she sang “you” in the chorus sounded an awful lot like her falsetto on the chorus of “Blue.”

And there’s this YouTube video of her singing “Cuz I Love You” on her tour bus last year and it sounds exactly the same.

Giraffe - “Let’s Get It Started” - The costume was a real stretch (So good.) He was dressed like a Zootopian Founding Father. I did not love the performance. Cassidy thought it sounded like someone from Hamilton. I was with her on potentially Anthony Ramos. The problem with that is the Giraffe was just behind the beat. The Hamilton cast would never be off. I truly have no idea about this one. I read online some people are guessing Fred Durst because of “$3” for the carnival ride and Limp Bizkit’s album was “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all.” Apparently, he feuded with Slipknot which would cover the “knots” clue. But it doesn’t fit the need for anonymity. I’m sure Fred Durst doesn’t have to do a lot of hiding. I’m going to go with Jake Paul. He got famous on Vine and you can “swing” from a vine. He’s supposedly funny so that’s the “Jokes” thing. I really have no idea so I’ll guess some Youtuber I know nothing about.

Popcorn - “What About Us” - The costume seemed thrown together. Like someone said, “Bucket. I don’t care what I look like.” (Losing steam.) She was a good singer. Pink is very hard to pull off and she did as well as one could ask. It sounded like a mature voice. They have at least one older diva every season. We’ve had Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle, Dionne Warwick, and Chaka Khan. Most of the guesses online are Tina Turner but I don’t think it’s her. Part of me wants to guess Taraji P. Henson because they guessed her so much last year that it would be great for it to finally be right. But I’m going to go with Cyndi Lauper. She toured with “Meat Loaf.” She sings and endorses loving people for who they are. She has a thick accent that no voice changer could remove. Cyndi Lauper!

SPOILERS (IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED, STOP READING)

Dragon - “Mama Said Knock You Out” - The costume was fire. (Did I use that already?) It is a travesty that he went home before Giraffe. Giraffe was terrible. He is a pile of garbage that has no right to be on that stage. Busta Rhymes deserved to stay. My wife guessed this right away. I said DMX when he started rapping but then she said Busta Rhymes and it was undeniable. Did I mention Giraffe sucked? He should be tossed in a dumpster. Because he’s garbage. He will not win me over.

Snow Owls - “Say Something” - These costumes were distracting. I didn’t know HOO to look at. (I’m back, baby! Am I writing for Nick Cannon, yet?)  I’m just winging it at this point. The singing was beautiful to be honest. This song is done on every season of every singing competition show and, frankly, it should. The first thing that popped into my head was Derek Hough while the boy owl was singing. That would make girl owl Julianne Hough. They’ve been working solo for awhile so it fits the “family reunion” and when she said “Oh brother” in the clue package. And here they are singing this exact song:

We’re back after a long hiatus! I’ve missed watching 80s and 90s movies I haven’t seen!

The backstory for Some Kind of Wonderful is that John Hughes was unhappy with the ending of Pretty in Pink. He wanted Molly Ringwald to end up with Duckie but the studio wouldn’t let that happen. In response, Hughes made basically the same movie here but with the genders swapped and the ending he wanted.

My thoughts:

Let’s meet today’s characters via musical intro: Mary Stuart Masterson (Watts) likes to drum and wear dog tags! She’s different! Eric Stoltz likes to brood while fixing cars and the thrill of just avoiding an oncoming train! He’s going through teen stuff! And Lea Thompson likes to...make out?

Eric Stoltz pines for Lea Thompson but she has eyes for someone who drives a Corvette. Sorry, Eric Stoltz. You can’t compete with a fine, American sports car.

Eric Stoltz’s dad is pushing him to go to college. Dads are the WORST!

Eric Stoltz’s younger sister is DJ Tanner?? Her character has a lot of opinions. It’s foreshadowing for her time on The View.

Watts drives a car with the steering wheel on the passenger side. How can they possibly make her kookier??

The school bad boy carries all your textbook bad boy stuff on him: cigarettes, alcohol, and, obviously, nude playing cards. He was just missing the fake switchblade that turns into a comb.

Eric Stoltz draws Lea Thompson like one of his French girls from afar.

Hot Guy is cheating on Lea Thompson but he wears a tweed overcoat with the sleeves pushed up so how can she stay mad at him?

Hot Guy confronts Eric Stoltz and tells him to keep his eyes off Hot Guy’s property. And I know I should be focused on calling her “property” but it IS a little creepy how much Eric Stoltz stares at her.

Eric Stoltz pulls the fire alarm to get into detention with Lea Thompson. Detention consists of all the worst people in the school. One guy rips a phone book in half. Another brandishes a knife. And the last one...breaks a pencil? They should have reordered that. Or made the second guy pop open the knife to reveal a comb!

All of his stalking pays off as he’s there just as she dumps Hot Guy and he gets a rebound date!

My next note reads “This is 1987. A girl can be anything she wants to be.” I don’t remember what this is in reference to but I agree with it!

Hot Guy, to bury the hatchet, invites the new couple, Eric Stoltz and Lea Thompson, to a party at his house. Eric Stoltz is skeptical but what has Hot Guy even done to warrant such skepticism except for everything?

Watts attempts to stop being friends with Stoltz. Says she would bet her hands that Marty Mcfly’s mom isn’t into him. And we know how much she needs her hands? She needs them for drumming and driving on the wrong side of the car and…and…did I say drumming already?

Lea Thompson starts being shut out of the popular group at school because of her date with Stoltz. There’s an awkward scene where they completely ignore her and talk like she’s not there. And she was there! I saw her in her glorious dress shirt and oddly large khaki shorts ensemble.

Watts tells Stoltz he needs to practice kissing her to be ready to kiss Lea Thompson. Feelings were felt.

To get extra ready for the date, Stoltz shampoos his face. You can’t have a face that flakes.

Even though he’s convinced that Lea Thompson is in cahoots with Hot Guy to humiliate him, he spends all of his college money preparing an amazing date for her. His dad finds out but ultimately, like any sensible parent, realizes that sometimes you need to blow your future to have a nice evening with a girl who may not actually like you.

Stoltz wears a very 80s suit to pick her up in a fancy old car. Watts is chauffeuring dressed like Kato from The Green Hornet.

The brooch pin tie budget was very large for this movie.

Stoltz takes Lea Thompson to an art museum after hours where he arranged for his painting of her to be hung.  Then he gives her the crazy expensive earrings he bought her. She realizes he’s a nice guy and she kisses him leaving one last thing to do: Go to Hot Guy’s party to get beat up!

Stoltz goes to Hot Guy’s party to accept the beating. However, Stoltz’s new detention friends show up to save the day. This movie asks a lot of us.

Stoltz realizes he loves Watts in the end. This was a long and expensive way to realize what was in front of him all along but I guess that’s the cinema. He literally runs to Watts and stops her from crying by kissing her passionately. She needed to stop crying. All she had to wipe her tears were weird fringe gloves and they must have felt terrible. Each time you wipe, some of the fringe is wet from previous wipes. Others are dry. Too many textures sliding across your face. A real nightmare.

These are the movies that I most enjoyed this decade. While it seems like I like silly movies and popcorn films, I will point out that they are all certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. (I was shocked too!)

Honorable Mention: The Big Sick, Avengers: Endgame, Baby Driver, The Edge of Seventeen, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

10. Hobbs And Shaw - This movie was made specifically for me. Over the top action film with a good bad guy. Two heroes who compete against each other for glory. Extra silly. It was everything I wanted it to be from start to finish. 

9. The Kingsman: The Secret Service - Elton John becomes a slick, super spy. What more do you need? Colin Firth beating up a whole bar with his umbrella? That’s in there too. If you want more than that, you desire too much.

8. Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse - The moment I knew this movie was great was when Miles Morales gets bit by the radioactive spider. There is so much build up and a slow-motion zoom-in on the bite and, instead of a big explosive reaction, he just smacks the spider off his hand annoyed.  

7. Deadpool - From the days of “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place,” all I’ve ever wanted was for Ryan Reynolds to be his most Ryan Reynolds-y and Deadpool gave him that. (The sequel is good too.)

6. Teen Titans Go! To The Movies - It’s nonstop silly and I like that. Fun Fact: Halsey is the voice of Wonder Woman.

5. Bridesmaids - We all know this scene and the awesome way Maya Rudolph gives in to her situation in the street. It’s almost elegant pooping. I think we forget about how great Kristin Wiig was in denying how sick she was becoming. It’s masterful. 

4. Thor: Ragnarok - This is my favorite Marvel movie. It should be no surprise that it’s the funniest one. And Hela is one of the best villains in the series. Watch the opening as Thor is chained up and hanging while a large fiery beast talks to him. Thor starts to spin around and interrupts the monster asking him to wait until he spins back around. Gold.

3. Jojo Rabbit - I loved every minute of this movie. I can’t wait to see it again. It’s so sweet and funny and nice. I cried so much at the end. Every movie should be like this. I hope it gets a Best Picture nomination so more movies like this can be made. Fun Fact: It is made by the guy who made Number 4.

2. The Other Guys - The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson as typical buddy cops destroying the city. Michael Keaton as a TLC-referencing police captain that works part-time at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Rob Riggle and Damon Wayans, Jr. as ball busters. Eva Mendes as a wife that thinks she’s lucky to have Will Ferrell. And Marky Mark in his best role. It is a classic.

1. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping - The funniest movie that not enough people know about. It bombed at the box office and it’s a shame. The songs are so ridiculous and catchy. I can watch it over and over and pick out new things each time. I love it.

I don’t get into many dramas. I obviously prefer stuff that’s silly. Even in real life. So, while I like my list, there weren’t any hard decisions. 

10. Better Call Saul - It’s that rare spinoff that is a good complement to the show it spun off from. It’s really this and “Joey” and the rest are garbage. Rhea Seahorn is awesome in it.

9. Fargo - I don’t normally like shows that give us essentially a new show with new characters every season but Fargo is great. First season is still my favorite. That one had the people in the picture below.

8. Bunheads - This is the show that came in between Gilmore Girls and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. It only lasted one season but it was a wonderful season. I’ve actually gone back and watched it all again because I loved it so much. I can’t wait to see Sutton Foster in “The Music Man” next year.

7. Walking Dead - It’s unfortunate that the show continues to be on because it makes it hard to remember how “must see” it was. We used to stop everything we were doing and watch it each Sunday night. It was still a great show for many seasons. I miss Glenn.

6. Succession - This is an excellent show about terrible people. We watched both seasons in a couple of weeks. The scenes involving Tom and Greg (pictured) are so enjoyable. 

5. Mindhunter - This is a show about the early days of classifying serial killers. I like serial killer stuff. Does that say something about me? Probably not.

4. Sons Of Anarchy - I hate motorcycles and I still loved this show. It’s unforgettable. 

3. Justified - Boyd Crowder is an all-time great TV character. The interplay between Raylan and Boyd is high quality all throughout the series. Every character is perfect.

2. Game Of Thrones - This replaced Walking Dead as the “must see” Sunday night show and kept that designation until the series ended. Did I love every choice they made? No. But also yes.

1. Breaking Bad - I haven’t watched the movie yet because I’m worried it won’t live up to the show. Sometimes you can’t go back. Watching a nice, meek person become an evil villain over a few seasons is an incredible experience. 

I did not realize I watch a lot of reality TV until I was making my TV list and had included a fair amount of them. I obviously prefer the talent competition side of reality TV over the more soap opera-y stuff. 

10. Running Wild With Bear Grylls - The episodes where the celebrity is all in on the experience (Channing Tatum) are just as good as the ones where the celebrity does not want to participate (Shaq).

9. The Voice - The show is more entertaining than American Idol. It’s the judges. Unfortunately, it does not produce any superstars. I don’t understand why it doesn’t. How is Brynn Cartelli not a household name? She’s young and crazy talented. Kelly Clarkson let her open for her on tour. Why is she not famous? I don’t get it.

8. Project Runway - As someone who wears jeans and t-shirts all year round, I am continually surprised by how little I know about fashion. But the show is still enjoyable to watch in spite of its constant reminders of my sartorial deficiencies. I was very concerned when Tim Gunn left. He was the heart of the show, always encouraging people and reminding them that they’re great. I wish he could hug everyone who feels down in this world. It would be a better place. However, Christian Siriano seems to be a pretty great mentor too.

7. World Of Dance - I love how much the judges love dancing. I love that Derek Hough can be moved to tears multiple times a season. I love when a contestant gives JLo goosies. That’s different than goosing JLo. That doesn’t happen here. This is a nice show. I recommend Unity LA’s dance to “Piece by Piece.” It is pure art.

6. Holey Moley - My favorite part is when Rob Riggle makes Joe Tessitore crack up. I’m usually also cracking up. The golf part is fine but they make it for me. 

5. Making It - It’s an arts and crafts competition show hosted by Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman. I don’t need to say anything else about it.

4. Songland - While it is cool to see an aspiring songwriter have their song sung by a successful recording artist, I love seeing the artist and the professional songwriters throw out ideas on how to improve the song. It is awe-inspiring to see truly talented people working together in a room. Every song that wins is great but I will recommend “Green Light” by Jonas Brothers and “Somebody To Love” by One Republic (made my Top 25 Songs list).  

3. American Ninja Warrior - I’ve been watching this since Kacy Catanzaro went viral and my enthusiasm has not waned. I can easily name 40 ninjas. I look forward to it every summer. Of all the obstacles, the only one I think I can do is pushing the buzzer at the end. I practice by using the button from Taboo. 

2. Nailed It - “Fondant Balls!” “HHHWES!” “What are you waiting for? GO!” “That tastes wild.” “You’re a treat.” “Thick Cakes!” “HWES!” So many great moments on Nailed It. You learn so much. Like how people don’t like to measure. Or read directions. Or, when in trouble, use rice krispie treats. If you haven’t seen a Nailed It, I recommend either of the two Jason Mantzoukas guest judge episodes. 

1. Great British Bake Off - It is such a nice show. The hosts are always ready with encouragement when it’s needed. The music is so soothing. The bakers will help other bakers if they’re in trouble. The bakers stay in touch after the show is over and you can follow their friendships on Instagram. It is the most wholesome thing on television.

We live in a time now where the Best Comedy lists consist of shows that have a humorous concept but it is played dramatically. Or they treat a comedy as anything that is 30 minutes. This is not a rant. It is just not a comedy to me unless I actually laugh and, also, this is my list so I decide and that’s final. I’m also going to add my favorite character from each show.

(To qualify for this list, a show could have started in the previous decade but it must have had more episodes in this decade than the previous one.)

Honorable Mention: Catastrophe, The Goldbergs, Younger, Barry, Children’s Hospital

10. Veep - I love so much about this show. I love when Selina curses. I love all the problems with Ben’s heart and anxiety. I love how innocent Richard is. I love when Amy and Dan yell at each other. I love that Gary is the perfect assistant and Selina couldn’t care less. I love how despicable a person Jonah is and how his uncle screams at him. I love it all.

Favorite Character: Richard Splett

9. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel - I love Gilmore Girls so I love anything that has the feel of Gilmore Girls. Amy Sherman-Palladino writes impeccable dialogue and the actors she chooses deliver it so well. 

Favorite Character: Abe Weissman

8. Corporate - A ridiculous show about people working for a terrible company. Comedy Central puts out great shows that don’t last long and it’s a shame. Or maybe it’s for the best.

Favorite Character: Grace (the one in the middle)

7. Detroiters - The main characters’ names are Tim Cramblin and Sam Duvet. Those are gorgeous made-up names. This show is about two guys who make TV commercials for local businesses. This is a show that makes me giggle. It’s just silly and Tim Robinson is such a good yeller. Yelling for comedy is not an easy thing to pull off. Many try, though.

Favorite Character: Sam Duvet (For those keeping track at home, that’s two for this actor on the list.)

6. Phineas And Ferb - I truly believe that this is one of the best written shows in TV history. The way every episode comes together perfectly at the end is something every show should strive for. How many original, catchy songs did they make for this show? 

Favorite Character: Dr. Doofenshmirtz

5. Superstore - The show is really good but what puts it into “great” territory are the segue scenes of random customers doing horrible things throughout the store. 

Favorite Character: Sandra

4. Parks and Recreation - Michael Schur is one of my favorite comedy people. Most of us know him as Mose, Dwight Schrute’s cousin who resides at the beet farm. He was a writer on “The Office” and then he went on to create 3 of my Top 4 comedies of this decade including this one. It had an okay, 6-episode first season (last decade). Then it came back, figured out what works, and ran with it for six more seasons.

Favorite Character: Ron Swanson

3. Community - When I was in school, I told someone I didn’t like “Frasier” and they said it was probably too smart for me. That was hurtful. Now, if they had said that about “Community,” I would have agreed with them. It was so well made. Every character was so important to the show and treated like a different person. It was also really good at bottle episodes (an episode where the entire episode is spent in one location like an elevator or conference room) which are not easy. I want to watch them all again.

Favorite Character: Dean Pelton

2. Brooklyn 99 - I love Andy Samberg and that was enough to get me to watch the show. And, sure, there are times where the show relies on him to make an “Andy Samberg” delivery of a line before it cuts to commercial but it became more that just a silly Andy Samberg show. If you want to know how good the show is, Terry talks about himself in the third person, which is definitely not a funny thing to do anymore, and it’s fine. I don’t even care. It works somehow.

Favorite Character: Captain Holt

1. The Good Place - I have to watch this show the second it is available. It is my favorite show on television. They have philosophy scholars on staff so the writers can work complicated philosophical concepts into the show and have them be both funny and understandable. I watch it in awe and I’m sad it is almost over. 

Favorite Character: Chidi Anagonye

It was hard to pick my favorite songs. My candidate list was abundant. Rather than make an absurdly long “Honorable Mention” list, I had to go with a Top 25. There is no country music because, when I hear country music, the angry voices in my head that I usually disregard get louder and I fear for what I may do.

Honorable Mention: “Ain’t It Fun” by Paramore, “Hopeless Wanderer” by Mumford And Sons, “I Love It” by Icona Pop, “Fairytales” by Alex Preston, “Story Of My Life” by One Direction

25. “Do You Love Me” - Guster

I like Guster and, when I found out this song happened in the decade, it made the list. Sorry, Mumford and Sons.

24. “Trumpets” - Jason DeRulo

I’m sure this song is inappropriate and it’s about sex which I don’t really talk about but I really like the trumpet parts.

23. “Going Going Gone” - Maddie Poppe

This was the winning single for her from American Idol. It’s very good and I don’t know why it didn’t get more play. I blame Lionel Richie.

22. “For Forever” - Ben Platt

The music from “Dear Evan Hansen” is really good. It’s by the same people that wrote the music for “The Greatest Showman.” I like this song because it truly shows how bad of a singer I am when I belt it in the car.

21. “MoneyGrabber” - Fitz And The Tantrums

My daughter used to think he was saying “My Only Grandma” which makes the singer’s grandma someone I’d like to see a seedy, crime movie about starring Helen Mirren or Vanessa Redgrave.

20. “How Far I’ll Go” - Auli’i Cravalho

I went so far as to put it in my Top 25!

19. “Stutter” - Mariana’s Trench

I don’t know if this song is offensive or not to people with stutters but it’s fun and maybe that’s enough?

18. “Cheap Thrills” - Sia (Featuring Sean Paul)

If it is not the version with Sean Paul, I will turn it off. Biddy bong bong.

17. “Gone Gone Gone” - Phillip Phillips

I enjoy American Idol and I keep up with way more of the past contestants than is normal. He is easily one of the most talented winners they ever had.

16. “Bang Bang” - Jessie J, Ariana Grande, And Nicki Minaj

How is Jessie J not super famous? She and I are cut from the same cloth: ultra talented and not acknowledged enough. This song is fire. (For all the people my age and above, that means good.)

15. “Best Day Of My Life” - American Authors

I like happy songs. The opening guitar plucks whisk me away to a land made of Costco cookies with trees that leak Mexican Coke.

14. “You’re Such A...” - Hailee Steinfeld

She got nominated for an Oscar and put out this song and “Starving” before she turned 20. Some people are too talented. Please subtract 5 talent points.

13. “Scarecrow” - Alex And Sierra

They won the X-Factor and then the show was immediately canceled because they’d never find a better winner than these two. That or the show was so bad. It’s amazing it produced this group and Fifth Harmony. Meanwhile, the Voice has been on for 50 seasons and nothing good has come out of it except a love for Pharrell and Miley Cyrus.

12. “Somebody To Love” - One Republic

This came out of an episode of “Songland” and it’s the best song you’ll discover from this list or your money back!

11. “Dear Theodosia” - Leslie Odom Jr. And Lin-Manuel Miranda

This song puts an instant lump in my throat. I want to see Hamilton again immediately.

10. “Delicate” - Taylor Swift

It’s a great song but it’s also a great song to sing in a thick British accent. Replace all the Isn’t its at the end with Id nits. 

9. “Magic” - B.o.B. (Featuring Rivers Cuomo)

What makes this song even more impressive is that something so good came out of the brain of someone who firmly believes the Earth is flat. 

8. “Can’t Stop The Feeling” - Justin Timberlake

It’s well known that I hate the heat. This song is so great, I have positive memories of that summer it came out.

7. “Weak” - AJR

I like this song because I’m not that strong and this points out that it’s okay.

6. “Cecilia And The Satellite” - Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness

Great song. Bonus points for stealing some of that Cecilia thunder from Simon and Garfunkel. They don’t own her.

5. “Ride” - Twenty One Pilots

If you want to be impressed, go on YouTube and watch him sing “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.” His voice is crazy good.

4. “We Are Young” - Fun.

This was my daughter’s favorite song when she was 2. We listened to it over and over again as you do when a toddler likes something. I still remember writing it under “Favorite Song” on her preschool “Getting To Know You” sheet and the teacher was like, “Is that by the Wiggles?”

3. “Good As Hell” - Lizzo

Every list should have Lizzo on it. In fact, I’m going back and putting her at number 5 on my Animated Movies list.

2. “My Body” - Young The Giant

One of my favorite songs ever. I don’t have a deep reason for this one. I just dig it.

1. “Shake It Off” - Taylor Swift

She was the artist I listened to the most this decade according to Spotify and this was the song I listened to the most by her. I am a 40-year-old Swiftie and fine with it.

I decided to make a series of “Best of the Decade” lists. First off will be my favorite animated movies. “Kids” movies are so good these days that I’m sure one or two of them will also end up on the “Best Movies” list too. As this decade also coincides almost perfectly with my kid’s existence, I watched way more animated movies than I probably would have. Probably.

Animated Movies I Did Not See But May Have Made The List: Croods, Ralph Destroys The Internet, Your Name.

Honorable Mention: Big Hero 6, Storks, Zootopia, Wreck It Ralph, Finding Dory

10. (TIE) “Coco” & “Moana” - I could not choose between these two for the last spot so they tie. Moana is a beautiful film and I love the music. Coco is a great story that makes you cry unless you don’t have a heart. Then again, what are you doing watching a heartwarming story without the heart that will ultimately be warmed? I’d give the edge to Moana on songs but Coco has the better story.  I like them both.

9. “Kubo And The Two Strings” - This has some of the coolest animation I’ve ever seen. It’s done with stop motion and it was nominated for Visual Effects Oscar. That’s not very common for a non-computer animated movie. Only one other movie has ever done that (The Nightmare Before Christmas). Besides being amazing to look at, it’s got a great story too!

8. “Minions” - Sure, one of the main minions is named Kevin. That’s more than enough for me to like something. But the movie is good, too. Sandra Bullock is a strong villain.

7. “The Lego Batman Movie” - Now we are getting into the rewatchable territory. Will Arnett is a tremendous comic Batman. Michael Cera is perfect as Robin. Zach Galifianakis might be the best Joker since Heath Ledger which is impressive as I think there’s been about 40 different Jokers since 2008. Finally, what other movie has all the Batman villains teaming up with King Kong, the Gremlins, the shark from Jaws, Sauron, Voldermort and more? The answer is no other movie. Maybe this should be higher.

6. “Inside Out” - This is such a good movie. It might be the best movie on this list but it can’t be higher because I don’t think I can ever watch it again. I think I cried through 90% of it. We also went with a group and couldn’t get all the tickets together so I had to cry next to a.stranger. This wasn’t wipe the eye with a little lump in the throat crying. This was sniffling, need a tissue, there might be a noise or snort that comes out at some point crying. Every parent should see it but, also, every parent should probably not see it.

5. “Frozen” - The movie I watched the most with my daughter. Some things I had to watch with her were torture. I’m looking at you, Ni Hao Kai Lan. I hope you get run over by Thomas the Tank Engine who is, not coincidentally, on fire because I hate him too. However, Frozen is enjoyable. The songs are good. I must have sung them thousands of times in the car. I’ll always cherish this movie for the memories of my kid growing up.

4. “The Lego Movie” -  While I love this movie, the one flaw is that the father is played as a bad guy for wanting to glue the completed Legos together. It’s so annoying to put a set together again after it breaks. The man is a hero and doing what is ultimately right for his kid. One day that boy is going to wake up and say, “My dad was right to glue this stuff together.”

3. “Tangled” - Best horse in movie history. My favorite Disney movie. Great songs. Endlessly rewatchable.

2. “Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse” - This is one of the best movies of the decade. Why isn’t number one? I’ll get into that when I talk about number one. The animation makes it like a comic book come to life. The juggling of all the different dimensions is handled so well. And there’s a great Post Malone song that plays throughout. My favorite alternate Spider-Man was Spider-Gwen.

1. “Teen Titans Go! To The Movies” - I never watched the TV show so I did not know what this was going to be. I laughed so much. It’s so silly and ridiculous. I wish I had made it. It may not be as good of a movie as Spider-Man but it entertained me to no end. The scene where they beat up Superman and then dump kryptonite all over him is one of my favorite movie scenes. I put it on whenever I’m looking for joy.

I knew this movie had to do with the Cold War fears of the 80s. I knew this was another Swayze movie. As I’ve had a pretty good run with the Swayz, I was excited about it. The only other thing I knew is that they yell “Wolverines!”

My thoughts:

We open with a lot of yellow text telling us the world is falling apart. Maybe would have been more palatable in a Star Wars crawl formation. I like my bad news fading into the far reaches of space.

Credits as we soar over clouds. The music is reminiscent of a happy western and not the end of the world.

Soviet paratroopers descend on a small town in Colorado and attempt a military stronghold. Everyone knows that the key to taking down the United States is taking control of remote parts of Colorado. Let’s say I’m being sarcastic and they did this in every town so it makes sense. There are about 35,000 towns in the U.S. If you send 100 soldiers to each town, that’s 3.5 million soldiers which is almost three times the amount of active duty soldiers we currently have. Then you have to factor in 35,000 planes to drop the soldiers in. That’s also almost three times the amount the U.S. has. This was a large undertaking and maybe they deserve to take over the U.S. for the amount of effort they put into it.

Swayze, his brother, Charlie Sheen, and his buds stock up at a local gas station/convenience store. They plan to hole up in the mountains until the war ends. This is a decent plan as long as they stay there and don’t get involved. Teenagers can’t be heroes. I fear they will get involved. 

Now there are Cuban troops in the town too. The screenwriters decided to have the invasion involve everything we were scared of in the 80s. I expect they will soon be joined by Iran and AIDS.

The Cuban colonel is straight out of a knockoff Street Fighter video game.

Swayze takes charge of the renegade woods teenagers even though one of the kids is Student Body President at the high school. Swayze has too much charisma. Even if you promise more vending machines in the woods and no tests, you aren’t beating him.

One month later and they are still in the woods. They have learned how to hide in plain sight by attaching small branches to their clothes.

To prove they are adapting to survival in the woods, C. Thomas Howell (Robert) shoots what appears to be a long-dead deer. Then, Swayze and Charlie Sheen make Robert drink the blood of the deer. Robert is now imbued with all of the power of a long-dead deer.

It’s bad enough that the Russians and Cubans are taking over the small town but they are driving around the mayor’s car! Truly a greater injustice than all the people they’ve murdered.

Swayze and Sheen’s dad is in a re-education camp. It’s located at a drive-in where they play stuff like “America is terrible” over and over. The dad decides to take this moment to explain to his boys that being a terrible father helped them stay alive. They, I guess, realize he’s right. He tells them to leave before anyone notices they’re there. Then he yells “BOYS AVENGE ME!” Terrible to the end!

They stop at a home to get supplies and they are given the task of taking care of the home owner’s granddaughters, played by Marty McFly’s mom (3M) and Baby from “Dirty Dancing.”

Back in the woods, the Wolverines (a name the teenagers gave themselves because it’s the high school mascot) kill three Russians who happen upon their location. Excrement. Just. Got. Real.

Robert watches his dad get executed as retaliation for the Wolverines killing the Russian soldiers. Robert wants to cry about it but Swayze won’t let him. Crying is a waste. That’s what Swayze’s newly dead, terrible dad told him.

The Wolverines set up a trap to kill a few more Russians and the screen tells us another month has passed. They had a very productive October fighting an army with eight people.

They find a downed colonel who tells them the rest of the U.S. is in bad shape. D.C. has been nuked. Allies won’t help. It’s up to this rag tag bunch of high school kids and Swayze. Good thing 3M and Baby are stone cold killers.

Things start to unravel as they tend to do when eight kids are fighting an army of hundreds. Helicopters come and kill Baby and Robert. Swayze promises her that they’ll meet again and dance in the Catskills.

Swayze and Sheen go on a mission to kill the leader of the town invasion. They take out a lot of soldiers and lure out the leader. Swayze sneaks up behind the leader and, much like his stupid, awful dad, announces his presence by saying “you lose.” This allows the leader to shoot him at the same time he shoots the leader. Road House Swayze would have ripped out his throat and moved on. This movie would have been so much better with Road House Swayze.

I only knew that Patrick Swayze was in this movie. And that there’s fighting. I think it involved a cool kick for the win but I might be thinking roundhouse (as in the kick) and mixing it up with Road House.

My thoughts:

Our initial shot of Swayze is a nice profile of him in all his mullet glory. It’s like Superman standing with his hands on his hips and the cape blowing or like Batman perched on the top of a building. This is iconic Swayze.

Swayze is a cooler which is like the head bouncer of a bar or club. He’s the best there is at bouncing. To prove this, a drunk guy challenges Swayze to a fight by stabbing him in the arm. Swayze takes the drunk outside and then walks away from the fight. Classic Swayze.

As if we needed another example of how awesome he is, Swayze sews his own stab wound closed! My wife has to “1-2-3” my bandaids to remove them because I get scared.

A man named Tilghman offers Swayze a job fixing up his club. He’s got on a blazer and a bolo tie so he’s legit.

The club is called the Double Deuce probably because no one gives two shits about it. BOOM.

The credits are still rolling at eight and a half minutes into the movie. I don’t have a joke for this. It just feels excessive.

At the Pair of Poops, the band has to play behind a fence because the bar is so rowdy. It is constant fighting. This bar cannot make money because it has to continually replace all of the chairs and tables every night. Maybe they should invest in tables made out of a sturdier wood. It would be more money up front but might be better in the long run. Someone should crunch the numbers.

On his first night there, Swayze observes the super rowdy bar. He does not initiate contact with the patrons but he does not avoid them if they come to him. He’s a lot like Jane Goodall.

“I get off at 2 and I’d like to get you off about a half hour after that” is a fantastic pickup line. It must have an 12% rate of return which is high for pickup line standards. For example, “You must be wearing space underwear because your ass is out of this world” yields 10.6%.

A rich guy with a helicopter seems to be trouble. We know he’s trouble because he uses his helicopter to scare the neighbor’s horses. I would save helicopter gas money and rent a wolf.

Rich Guy dresses like all the Indiana Jones bad guys at the same time.

There’s a nice sequence of shirtless Swayze doing Tai Chi. There are many different styles of Tai Chi. If I had to guess which one he was doing, I’d guess Oily Style.

Swayze gets cut in a way that is beyond his medical prowess and meets an attractive doctor. She learns that he has a degree from NYU in philosophy. This intrigues her but she must not realize that there are only two career paths for NYU philosophy degree holders: bouncer and bouncer understudy.

Dear Lord that’s a sexy Sam Elliott. I’d let him pick me up and carry me across a puddle.  

Swayze is doing his job at the bar because the band isn’t behind a cage anymore and the patrons are wearing ties.

Hot Doc shows up to the club looking like the sexiest picnic table I’ve ever seen. Swayze appreciates, and makes out with, the sexy picnic table.

Rich guy is two pool tables in the same house rich.

Swayze and Doc get it on. Rich guy watches from across the way. I feel like he wanted to use his helicopter to spy on them but he thought better of it. He’s getting smarter.

Sam Elliott shows up to help Swayze deal with Rich Guy. Rich Guy runs the old “Offers protection for 10% of a local business’s earnings” racket. There are like 4 businesses in the town. I don’t know how this turns into a helicopter and a mansion with 2 pool tables. Maybe he has a diversified portfolio.

The auto parts store across from the bar refuses to pay Rich Guy so the auto parts store across from the bar catches fire and explodes. The patrons of the bar have to keep a safe distance as their 80s hair is very flammable.

The Ford dealership refuses to pay Rich Guy so Rich Guy has one of the goons drive the monster truck we’ve been seeing all movie through the show room. It smashes a lot of cars. There’s a saying in theater. It’s called Checkhov’s Monster Truck. If you show a Monster Truck in the first act, it will get used in the third.

Rich Guy sends his top goon to burn down the house of the horse owner. Swayze fights the top goon for awhile. It’s evenly matched until Swayze rips out the top goon’s throat. Doc is not happy with Swayze. He went too far with the throat ripping.

Rich Guy has Sam Elliott killed. Swayze has had enough and wants Rich Guy. They fight. I, in no way, believe Rich Guy could last any amount of time in a fight with Swayze. Realistically, he’d last zero seconds.

This movie ends with possibly the greatest ending in cinematic history. I won’t spoil it. Ok, I will. All the townspeople that Rich Guy has wronged show up and shoot Rich Guy with shotguns one at a time. Like they lined up, took a number, and the sign read “Now Serving Justice.”

I knew this was about a hockey player who got paired up with a figure skater. I assumed they fell in love and you know what happens when you assume? You get it right!

My thoughts:

D.B. Sweeney (Doug) is late for his Olympic hockey game because he asked his one night stand to set the alarm. Always set an alarm yourself especially if you’re going to go to Bonetown. After a woman’s world has been rocked, she can’t be held responsible for setting alarms. Poor planning on Doug’s part.

SIDE NAME NOTE: Doug is a solid U.S. hockey player name.

Moira Kelly (Kate) is a hotheaded figure skater who can’t find a partner that can handle her hotheadedness. Man, she’s so hotheaded.

SIDE NAME NOTE: I know the name Kate is a reference to “Taming of the Shrew” but I can already tell “!0 Things I Hate About You” did this better. I don’t think Moira Kelly is going to throw it down to Biggie’s “Hypnotize” in this movie. UPDATE: She didn’t.

Kate’s dad is the guy from Lost with the mustache of a guy who ties women to train tracks in silent pictures.

The action of the Olympic hockey game is as exciting as it is blurry.

The West Germany team checks Doug into the boards one at a time like a Conga line of 4 minute double minors. We know he is badly hurt because his helmet flies across the ice and spins in slow motion for a long time. His head is not inside it.

Kate also falls down in her Olympic routine. They’re both failures!

Doug has a permanent blind spot as a result of the successive checks. He’ll never play hockey at a high level again. You know what you don’t need good vision for? Olympic pairs figure skating!

We cut to two years later. Doug receives his 23rd letter from an NHL team telling him he can’t play for them. I knew he didn’t get in. It wasn’t a fat envelope. Did he apply for the NHL via paperwork? Is there an application? “Dear Mets, please let me play second base. I got a 1300 on my SATs.”

Kate has a new Russian coach who has run out of options. Kate has tried and failed with 35 male partners. At one point does one look within oneself to think maybe she is the problem? Infinity partners? Probably infinity partners. Either way, Doug is number 36.

Doug and Kate don’t like each other initially. I bet they never will. Unless they grow to like each other over the course of four montages placed so closely together that I’m not sure there was any non-montage scenes in between them. (Movies should have one montage.)

I would like to see if the legwarmer budget on this was greater than “Flashdance.” Obviously, you’d have to factor in 9 years of dancewear price inflation.

Of course we find out Kate has a boyfriend and of course, it’s the ghost of Kevin Costner’s baseball dad.

Doug is invited to the family’s New Year’s party. At midnight, Kate hugs her own dad first. Then she kisses her Ghost Dad boyfriend later. Doug should probably not fall in love with her. She’s got a lot of stuff to work out.

Kate wears a lot of turtlenecks. She must have a ton of Ghost Dad hickeys.

At Nationals, Kate runs into her former partner. His current partner is into Doug. We know this because her eyes shoot out of her head like a cartoon, her hat flies up in the air while steam comes out of her ears, and she yells, “Hubba! Hubba!.” This isn’t what really happened but that’s the vibe the actress was subtly putting out there.

Doug and Kate get into the Olympics because people fell. They party by getting lit on shots. More shots than Kate’s tiny body should be able to do. Before the alcohol poisoning kicks in, Kate throws herself at Doug. He does the honorable thing of not boinking her and boinking the ex-partner’s partner instead.

Russian coach shows them his secret plans for the greatest skate routine in history. It has a move that no one can complete. It’s borderline “illegal.” They try it anyway. During practice, Kate must die 40 times.

Doug and Kate clearly love each other. I don’t get why this is so hard. They just have to do the murder move and then he kisses her gold medal winning corpse at the end.

Doug tells Kate #41 he loves her right before they skate. It’s perfect timing. Everyone likes to get life-changing news right before the biggest moment of their lives.

They complete the murder move for the first time. They should win the gold medal for defying the laws of physics.

The movie ends with them inappropriately kissing on the Olympic ice and we don’t find out if they win. They probably got deductions for the disrespectful make out session.