#double deuce

"I bet you can't rob my grave."

Then just leave a sticky note in your coffin that says, "Bitch" with your body giving 'em the double deuce.

OR

I only knew that Patrick Swayze was in this movie. And that there’s fighting. I think it involved a cool kick for the win but I might be thinking roundhouse (as in the kick) and mixing it up with Road House.

My thoughts:

Our initial shot of Swayze is a nice profile of him in all his mullet glory. It’s like Superman standing with his hands on his hips and the cape blowing or like Batman perched on the top of a building. This is iconic Swayze.

Swayze is a cooler which is like the head bouncer of a bar or club. He’s the best there is at bouncing. To prove this, a drunk guy challenges Swayze to a fight by stabbing him in the arm. Swayze takes the drunk outside and then walks away from the fight. Classic Swayze.

As if we needed another example of how awesome he is, Swayze sews his own stab wound closed! My wife has to “1-2-3” my bandaids to remove them because I get scared.

A man named Tilghman offers Swayze a job fixing up his club. He’s got on a blazer and a bolo tie so he’s legit.

The club is called the Double Deuce probably because no one gives two shits about it. BOOM.

The credits are still rolling at eight and a half minutes into the movie. I don’t have a joke for this. It just feels excessive.

At the Pair of Poops, the band has to play behind a fence because the bar is so rowdy. It is constant fighting. This bar cannot make money because it has to continually replace all of the chairs and tables every night. Maybe they should invest in tables made out of a sturdier wood. It would be more money up front but might be better in the long run. Someone should crunch the numbers.

On his first night there, Swayze observes the super rowdy bar. He does not initiate contact with the patrons but he does not avoid them if they come to him. He’s a lot like Jane Goodall.

“I get off at 2 and I’d like to get you off about a half hour after that” is a fantastic pickup line. It must have an 12% rate of return which is high for pickup line standards. For example, “You must be wearing space underwear because your ass is out of this world” yields 10.6%.

A rich guy with a helicopter seems to be trouble. We know he’s trouble because he uses his helicopter to scare the neighbor’s horses. I would save helicopter gas money and rent a wolf.

Rich Guy dresses like all the Indiana Jones bad guys at the same time.

There’s a nice sequence of shirtless Swayze doing Tai Chi. There are many different styles of Tai Chi. If I had to guess which one he was doing, I’d guess Oily Style.

Swayze gets cut in a way that is beyond his medical prowess and meets an attractive doctor. She learns that he has a degree from NYU in philosophy. This intrigues her but she must not realize that there are only two career paths for NYU philosophy degree holders: bouncer and bouncer understudy.

Dear Lord that’s a sexy Sam Elliott. I’d let him pick me up and carry me across a puddle.  

Swayze is doing his job at the bar because the band isn’t behind a cage anymore and the patrons are wearing ties.

Hot Doc shows up to the club looking like the sexiest picnic table I’ve ever seen. Swayze appreciates, and makes out with, the sexy picnic table.

Rich guy is two pool tables in the same house rich.

Swayze and Doc get it on. Rich guy watches from across the way. I feel like he wanted to use his helicopter to spy on them but he thought better of it. He’s getting smarter.

Sam Elliott shows up to help Swayze deal with Rich Guy. Rich Guy runs the old “Offers protection for 10% of a local business’s earnings” racket. There are like 4 businesses in the town. I don’t know how this turns into a helicopter and a mansion with 2 pool tables. Maybe he has a diversified portfolio.

The auto parts store across from the bar refuses to pay Rich Guy so the auto parts store across from the bar catches fire and explodes. The patrons of the bar have to keep a safe distance as their 80s hair is very flammable.

The Ford dealership refuses to pay Rich Guy so Rich Guy has one of the goons drive the monster truck we’ve been seeing all movie through the show room. It smashes a lot of cars. There’s a saying in theater. It’s called Checkhov’s Monster Truck. If you show a Monster Truck in the first act, it will get used in the third.

Rich Guy sends his top goon to burn down the house of the horse owner. Swayze fights the top goon for awhile. It’s evenly matched until Swayze rips out the top goon’s throat. Doc is not happy with Swayze. He went too far with the throat ripping.

Rich Guy has Sam Elliott killed. Swayze has had enough and wants Rich Guy. They fight. I, in no way, believe Rich Guy could last any amount of time in a fight with Swayze. Realistically, he’d last zero seconds.

This movie ends with possibly the greatest ending in cinematic history. I won’t spoil it. Ok, I will. All the townspeople that Rich Guy has wronged show up and shoot Rich Guy with shotguns one at a time. Like they lined up, took a number, and the sign read “Now Serving Justice.”