※ LOCAL ROBOT SCREAMS INTO THE VOID: BORDERLANDS: THE PRE-SEQUEL EDITION
a thrilling saga of shit i’ve heard while listening to my friend play borderlands: the pre-sequel, with the occasional moment of my own commentary. may include nsfw material. feel free to change names/pronouns/etc.!
“ maybe i wanna look around and start some shit. ”
“ i’m a healer, but– [ reloads shotgun ] ”
“ look bitch, i’m not afraid to die– ”
“ hi, i’m jericho, a model of the claptrap android, i’m too stupid to die and i’m not afraid to die anyway. ”
“ hi, i’m (name), i’m too stupid to die and i’m not afraid to die anyway. ”
“ i’ve played enough resident evil in my lifetime to go ‘whatchu gonna do, kill me? okay’. ”
“ sorry, buddies, but i like to break into shit too. ”
“ just lower your shields, i just wanna talk! ”
“ after all this time, claptrap has a grenade! ”
“ after all this time, (name) has a grenade! ”
[ excessive high-pitched swearing in the distance ]
“ i didn’t die like a warrior, i died like a bitch. ”
“ you got knocked the fuck out! ”
“ please just die faster and i will see that you’re well treated. ”
“ i have a feeling i’m gonna have a boot up my ass because of you talking shit, and i don’t even have an ass! ”
“ if you don’t die, i may have to kill you. ”
“ a platypus loaderbot? PERRY the platypus loaderbot?? ”
“ this is my emotional support dumbass. ”
“ and i thought /i/ was supposed to be an idiot! ”
“you bring me into this spaceship with a shitty loader and now i gotta kill this fuckin– i don’t know who he is, but i gotta kill this fuckin clown! ”
“ i don’t need ammo, but what i do need— dad, if you’re reading this, please come home– ”
“ i’m a robot, i’m incapable of feeling many strong emotions. ”
“ ’aim straighter’– hate to break i to you, but i ain’t that straight. ”
“ why are you talking shit, i am small, i am mildly homosexual– ”
“ hi, i have adhd, i can’t focus. ”
“ (name), stop being mean, i have what the kids call– ”
“ (name), i'ma punch you in the balls.”
“i have adhd, (name), i can’t focus like that! ”
“ i know what i must do, but i don’t know if i have the strength to do it. ”
“ i’m like 5'3, maybe 20 pounds, no brain cells up in here. ”
“ please, (name), don’t leave me, i’m small and gay– dad! it’s like he never left! ”
“ i am a tiny homosexual, we gonna die– ”
“ …i called you an asshole because i thought i hung up? ”
“ hey buddy boy, is that where we’re going next, ‘cause i choose life. ”
“ i thought you were bae, turns out you’re just a bitch. ”
“ yeehaw, except more incoherent screaming. ”
“ (name), why do i feel you’re gonna be the death of me and not in a cute way? ”
“ when i die, i want (name) to be the one to put my casket in the ground so s/he can let me down one last time. ”
“ i dedicate my life to our lord and savior snoop dogg and this is the thanks i get? ”
“ i am small and dumb, but you make me feel like a genius right now, i won’t lie. ”
“ i’m not badass enough, i’m just kinda dumb. ”
“ (name), please, i’m putting a lot of faith in you. ”
“ bohemian rhapsody, but every mama just gets more and more distressed. ”
“ s/he’s more flaming than i am. ”
“ (name), i’ve always considered you a friend, but-but-but my m-m-mom says we can’t play together anymore you’re too– too violent and you get me hurt and into a lot of legal trouble that i should not disclose in front of children. ”
“ (name), please stop talking shit, do you see how well we’re doing– which is to say, not well at all– ”
“ does my rooty tooty point and shooty have ammo? finally! ”
“ heehee– we’re in danger, i can feel it. ”
“ i have a bad feeling about this, a /really/ bad feeling about this. ”
“ you have a real bad definition of badass, i’m just queer and scared and angry. ”
“ it make me feel good that s/he think about me, i’m stupid but–”
“ useless, just like me! ”
“ am i more than you bargained for yet? ”
“ my mama always said i was a dumbass. i never wanted to listen, but she may have been onto something. ”
“ you didn’t really save my life, love, you just kinda putting me in extra danger. ”
“ finally, i’m doing something right for once! ”
