A Waltz For A Night

i have never liked someone this much and for so long, for the past 4 months or so i thought i was almost over him, with the exception of like 10% of me, but sometimes the feeling comes back and the urge is so strong but i love him too much as a friend to risk things, and i know him and i know he doesn't feel the same about me and he's not really good with romantic relationships i saw him yesterday, it just made me want to be idk kinda of like his boyfriend or something, i just wanted to keep holding his hand lol and then he basically got in a pool to try to make with this other boy and it hurt so much, we're friends so i was like yeah go there, when he left i just wanted to run to somewhere no one would see me and cry, i hate this so fucking much

i feel so shitty right now, saturday i got too crazy, said some pretty harsh truths to this "friend" of mine but it wasn't the right time so it was pretty stupid of me and i feel bad about it, then yesterday i had to pretend to not care about seeing the boy i like trying to make out with this other dude and after he left i had to hold my tears because i was in a club lol honestly i'm so pathetic, i feel ungrateful complaining about my life but it honestly feels so shitty right now, i don't think i have ever felt this low and i just don't know if i can handle, i just want to scream until everything goes away