Ramblings Of Insanity

Psychiatrist: So what seems to be the problem? Me: I don't fucking know that's why I'm here.

So several years ago I had a psych who was super chill about my BPD and chronic suicidal-ness. Our conversations would go something like this... Psych: how are you today? Me: I want to fucking kill myself Psych: really? Me: yes what did I just say?! Psych: why? Me: because I do Psych: why? Me: because I'm frustrated as fuck Psych: why? Me: because life sucks right now! Psych: why? Me: because...school is crazy and I'm getting too stressed out Psych: why? Me: because all these fucking expectations from society and family and all this bullshit that is life and I want to say fuck it all Psych: why? Me: to show them I'm overwhelmed and hurting a lot inside! That's why! Psych: so, do you want to kill yourself? Me: yes...but, I mean...no I don't. I just want someone to listen and validate my feelings...and...well, I feel a bit better because you listened to what I just said I call it The Why Game. And it always worked for my temporary suicidal BPD episodes.

So the other day I was in group therapy and I began freaking out over a spider/bug crawling on the floor. I began to panic, my psych who was leading the group immediately noticed, but I needed to leave the room to calm down. Important to note I have a horrible fear(phobia) of bugs. Anyway. I returned and stopped halfway walking into the room. My psych said "keepupthefight, come sit here" and it was beside him. And it made me feel more calm (no longer on the verge of losing it). He reminded me of my breathing, taking my pulse, other grounding exercises and I did them for the reminder of the group. After it was over he turned to me and said he was proud of how I handled the situation/my emotional reaction. And my BPD flared a bit as I thought "oh god he actually cares about me" which was later replaced with "he actually fucking hates me because I'm legit crazy and he's trying to make me feel better to distract from the hate/frustration he has and I'm just an annoying piece of shit". Nice, BPD, thanks for that.

I don't know what's worse... Suffering in silence Or having everyone know you're suffering but doing nothing to help

Psychiatrist: here's some medication I believe would help Me: I don't want to take any medication Psychiatrist: it appears medication compliance is a symptom you struggle Me: it's not a symptom! I just don't want any meds! Psychiatrist: your mental illness is clouding your judgement, you need this medication Me: so I have no choice? Psychiatrist: are you refusing treatment? Me: what the fuck???

Therapist: I want to introduce you to someone... Me: Wait what? Why? Therapist: they also like cats Me: *realizes he's trying to get me to socialize with other people* My BPD ass: hahahaha time to leave

Apparently Netflix understands my psychological state and has kindly recommended "Dysfunctional-Family TV Dramas"