DAS CABBAGE

1. Obviously… Counterspell. There’s nothing that says big dick energy more than counterspelling the Big Bad. You have no idea. Every time you successfully Counterspell a spell you should get inspiration and advantage on persuasion and intimidation checks for 24 hours because you’re literally the sexiest person alive.

2. Haste. What sexy about that, you may ask? Sexy people dont have to do anything. Just slap your barbarian with some melasa, sit back and watch him go like a motherfucking Meat Train all over your enemies.

3. Hold person/hold monster. Your DM hates you. That’s it. If you ever need to feel sexy just wait for that failed save, casually sit there and read the description of the spell out loud to the rest of your party and your DM, informing them in the most benevolent tone about how they get advantage on every fucking thing against that poor bastard. Unleash hell because they can’t do shit to you. Also your DM hates you.

4. Fireball. Do I have to explain this? 8d fucking 6. Kill all your enemies in one turn. Kill all your friends in one turn. Kill yourself in one turn, who cares. You’re fucking sexy.

Music insperation:

“ohhh would you look at that, my pawns found jesus and now they’re all bishops”

“so i realize it looks like i’m putting a thimble on the board but actually my rooks have been using their downtime to build another rook, one that’s better, stronger, faster—”

“hey welcome back. while you left to get a snack, those six pieces you’d captured slipped their guards, tunneled to safety and emerged right in the middle of your royal palace.”

Ghibli Cities - Koriko, the beautiful town by the sea in Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989)