Hey Katrina Tea,

for me. Always have been. Always will be.

I sometimes forget how easy it is for my eyes to well up with warm, salty pools ready to take the leap and dive slowly down my face. And at times, I may even feel they betray me. At the most inconvenient of times. In the most inconvenient of spaces. Like that time I was in an interview during my undergrad. Or when I was doing a one-on-one with a pledge for my co-ed community service fraternity.

But the reality is, those tears never betray me. Especially in those moments that they decide to appear not out of sadness, but out of overwhelmingly significant moments. Moments of appreciation and genuine connection and meaning.

Moments when I can see a person before me with all their genuine intentions of care and support radiating from their core. Moments of appreciation for a human being just for being human. Of willful vulnerability to let down guards and be present with another in that moment.

The tears come when something, someone is so meaningful that they’ve made a stamp on me that will forever live with me. They don’t cry. They smile. They bring warmth within me.

Those tears never betray me.

They are me.

I know it was not your intention to inspire those who walked after you or the ones who already seemed to be moving in the ‘right’ direction. I know you felt that after you finished those words, it wasn’t nearly as meaningful as you wanted it to be - to the sea of red that sat in front of you. The ones who you really wanted to reach.

But what you didn’t know was that you would reach the one person to whom it matters the most.

Since four years before your graduation, you wanted ever so badly to stand up there and speak those words. Those words of inspiration that you hadn’t even formed yet (and didn’t until a few hours before the ceremony... but that’s another story). You wanted to be make an impact, a lasting one. You just didn’t know who you were ultimately trying to reach. 

Almost ten years later, I’ve figured it out.

And you’ll be surprised to know.

It’s me.

Remembering who I used to be. Acknowledging who I am. Authoring who I will  be. 

“you are my inspiration. Who will you inspire?” kt, 6.12.09

I think I’m really good at one liners. Titles for posts. Maybe you could even call them potential hashtags (am I aging myself by saying it’s so weird how ‘normal’ it now sounds to use this word?) or eye-catchers (whoa, progress Katrina - you’re actually complimenting yourself and not worrying that other people might disagree. Sounds like a step in a good direction, 7+ years later). 

But years ago, who I really aspired to be (or perhaps, part of who I aspired to be) was a blogger, an article writer, a post master (not postmaster, though I do love many things postal)  with words worth reading. Not just for the value of the words, but the feel of the words. Words that, placed together in the right way could convey a tender touch, a stark realization, perhaps a warm nostalgia, or a pull at your heartstrings. If I think about who I used to be, I often feel like I was who I want to be - for sometime. 

And somewhere along the way, it left me. 

Or maybe, I left it? 

Who I was, who I am, who I want to be.

Well, there’s my thought for the year. Goodbye again for another year or two LOL, just kidding. See you when I see you.

I really miss tumbling. Typing it out. Getting my thoughts out on ‘paper’. Putting down what I’m going through and what’s going through my mind at a pace that feels faster than what my fingers can type. 

Feeling like the words flow so freely and easily from my tongue.

It’s not like that anymore. Why is that?

Guess I gotta re-read the old me. Old Katrina, old kt - see what she says. What she used to talk about. 

When I think back to those times, I still hope and what that Katrina to be me. Who am I? Who have I become?

I don’t know what to write about but I know I want to. My ability, capability? I don’t know what to call it - but it’s dwindling. 

A break - a break in thought. In habit. In writing. A break. What does a break do? It could be good, just what you need in the midst of a constant go. But it could be a hinderance. Taking away from your flow.

Break.

WHY IS WRITING SO HARD. If I had to share my unfiltered thoughts I would say that this isn’t worth sharing. I keep getting caught up on the thought that what it’s not as easy to get my thoughts out as it used to be. But what have I done to make it any easier?

Catch 22? Is that what Pat said?

Write to get better at writing.

Constantly talk about how poorly I write to constantly write poorly?

Perhaps I need to do more exercises. Practice more. Not just any kind of practice. Directed practice.

would you understand?

You say you want to know, but once I’ve said it, your face shows that you’ve taken it the wrong way. Your body moves as if the air is tainted. And I begin to wonder, were my words so twisted? My thoughts, images merely fabricated in such a way that it was a truth with a hint of a lie. Or perhaps a lie with but a pinch of truth. No. My heart tells me, you wouldn’t understand. If I spoke my mind.

So I don’t.

Only moments ago, I felt as though I could express every bit of my soul. Inspiration near, a spark, a spirit brought back to life. But as they often do, words escape me. The current against me, resistance so forceful that it seems impossible to overcome. 

All I want is to share with you how I feel, my gratitude, in a way that you so often do for me. In a way that, seems so simple for you, so easy, so full, so true and genuine and beautiful. Though I know you often say that it isn’t, that you hesitation sets in so often. The difficulty of saying what’s right. Being torn between sending and deleting. Yet, once it has begun its journey and arrived at its destination, all I can think of is the beauty in it.

The beauty in what I read. The depth of it all. And no matter how many times you’ve said it, it feels as though you’re telling me for the first time. As if these feelings and thoughts are new to you, feelings and thoughts that you’ve never experienced and never shared with me before.

The beauty in the fact that you spend so much time to create such a work. A work that you yourself feel is inadequate. To know that you ever even consider allowing a portion of your time to be dedicated to such a gift. A gift that very few truly give. 

You always bring me back to earth. Remind me that I’m human. That I’m just as human as anyone else and that there’s reason to become more than what I am in the moment.

You remind me so often how much I love you and how much I want to care for you.

And I so very much understand your wants and your needs and I know that I need to fix myself in order to give you the parts of me that I know you deserve even when you choose to tell yourself that you don’t. There’s something beautiful about you, that very few possess. Something I didn’t realize until this moment. Something I am sure you don’t realize yourself.

Please believe me when I say that I want to be part of your life. I haven’t always done the best job and I have no excuse. When I see you, all I really want to do is run up to you and hug you, yet in certain moments, I become consumed with what’s in front of me. It’s unfair to you, because I love you.

And I know of your struggles. And that it will be ongoing, but I want to be by your side. And I want to be able to help you through it and mostly to help you help yourself through it. In the same way that you help me help myself.

to find.

The feelings that pound in our hearts, flow through our veins, take over our very being - these feelings can't always be expressed with the letters we so often find ourselves bound by. To find the perfect word that captures the essence of us. A word that not only defines what we feel, but exhibits it. Not only exhibits, but radiates it.

Words aren't always easy to find.

to show a certain side of you. To let someone see into your mind, into your soul. We become vulnerable.

It’s a place where even we’re sometimes afraid to go. Because of what it does to us. What we feel when we’re there.

To let someone else see that - could be the greatest risk. At least, that’s how it feels.

And after you’ve stripped yourself. Made yourself bare before them. Every moment, every second of silence feels infinite. The period in which, you don’t know what thoughts consume their mind, never ending.

What if what you’ve shown them changes who you are to them. What do they now see when they look into your eyes. And when they finally speak, you overthink every word. Every action. Every touch.

And your thoughts? Your thoughts betray you.

It's a sequel that tells the prequel to my favorite movie. And it got me thinking. What do we value in life? What do we consider to be our fortune?

It's easy to get caught up in the mindset that we need to make money. I mean, yes of course, we need money in order to survive. In this world we live in at least, we "need" it. But is that really our fortune?

"Life's greatest fortunes are the ones closest to you."

As I watched, people came to mind. People in my life whom I love, very much. People who I hope will remain in my life for many years, for all of my years. But do I take the time to live for them now? To live with them now? I can't say that I've given as much time to them as I would have liked, but that doesn't mean I can't do it in the future.

Filtering.

Attempting to find the perfect words and the perfect thoughts even though it's not about that. I'm trying to tread carefully, even though this is a space for myself. We do that, sometimes, don't we? We become all too aware of the situation we're in, our surroundings. Even during times when the only factor should be our disposition.

Reaching.

Grabbing at words and thoughts that seem right. Trying to find material to use when I know exactly what it is I want to say. To convey. To share. But instead I reach for something else. We do that, sometimes. We try to cater to what others would prefer. What would be best suited for them.

Hesitating.

Stopping myself. That bit of uncertainty.

Gaaaah.

When I think of the past year, a lot comes to mind and nothing at all at the same time. If I asked you, what did you create this past year, what would you say? 

When I first sought to create my 2014, I wanted to do something to remind myself that I am in control of my life. It’s sometimes a struggle, to remember. It’s easy to say, “so and so doesn’t want me to”, “so and so wouldn’t approve” or “I can’t because so and so…”. But in the end, we make the ultimate decision. We create the life we live.

"Because this year, I want to remind myself that life is what you make of it. No matter who pressures you, what limits you, where you are, you still have the choice to make the most of what you’ve been given and explore the ways to make something even greater from what you already have."

It’s not all about creating material things or being creative. It’s not all about the crafts or using your imagination. It’s not all about doing something new or sharing something unheard of. Create tranquility. Create reflection. Create memories. Create connection.

I’ve had a chance to create. To create something for myself, for others, for the better. 

2014 may be coming to an end, but we should never stop creating.

2015, leggo.

» Katrina

[12.31.14 - 7:38pm]

—

I don't often post pictures of myself here, but I want to share this one.

When you're tired, does it usually show? As of late, it's been very apparent whenever I'm feeling tired or when I'm not feeling my best. Someone asked me if he could buy me coffee and I said he didn't have to, but could if he wanted to. An hour or so later he showed up at my door with this. It actually wasn't coffee, it was hot chocolate. He said he wasn't sure if I was planning to stay up late. But ultimately, it didn't matter what it was, the fact that he brought anything at all was very warming.

My face probably instantly broke into a smile and I could feel the love that was being shared spread through me. This small act of kindness is just what I needed at the moment. After he left, I sent him a text saying thanks again and that I really appreciate it. His response?

No thank you for letting me care about you.

How is it that someone who did something for me is also thanking me? It may seem a little bizarre, but then again... is it really?

Why is it that we often don't let people care for us? Do we believe we're being selfish? Are we afraid of being a burden? Do we think we're undeserving? Why do we do this? Why do I do this?

It's one of the most beautiful things in the world. To care for and to be cared for. But we need each in order to fully understand the other.