esse quam videri

✴ ⋆. ࿐࿔ ⠀⠀henlo, i'm stargirl. lover of books, cinema, art, trees, and all pretty things. the world is quiet here.

continuous pa rin namin siyang pinapainom ng gamot. hindi naman na masyado pumapalag. nag-send ako ng pictures kila ate tapos siya pa naka-pansin na lumiit na 'yung batok ni charli so chineck ko agad. napansin ko na sa sugat lumabas 'yung fluid instead dun sa shinave na part na binutas via syringe.

next time kasi wag manguha ng litrato ng mga babae dito. don't be a fucking creep. gulat na gulat nung na-call out, parang naabala pa. you're at a low point, okay whatever, eh ako? when i found out you drew me, multiple times by the way, without my consent, did you think i was flattered? no. i was disgusted. i was scared. i was uncomfortable. i felt violated.

but you'll never understand how that feels because you're the one who did the violating.

boyfriend *tried* to surprise me with steak and mashed potatoes for dinner because it's our monthsary 🙂‍↕️ emphasis on him trying because the delivery came early and he wasn't home yet so i had to receive it haha.

260714.

⋒ biglang lumobo 'yung leeg at batok ni charli tapos parang may fluid sa loob so dinala namin agad sa vet. na-guilty pa nga ako kasi a few hours before that, pinagtatawanan pa namin siya kasi ang laki ng leeg niya - malaki naman talaga dahil mabalahibo siya lalo na sa part na yun. napansin ko lang na kakaiba kasi nung nauna siya sakin sa hagdan, para siyang naka-collar tapos nakatayo 'yung mga balahibo niya.

⋒ chineckup siya tapos eventually, ginawan ng lab tests, then dinrain 'yung fluids. lumabas na dugo na may halong tubig. sabi, buti nadala agad kasi pag napabayaan baka maging nana. hindi ma-explain kung paano nangyari basta ang cause kasi is 2 weeks ago nag-away si charli at oatside tapos nakagat siya ni oatside sa batok so may sugat siya na mej malaki. but that was 2 weeks ago at nag-heal naman na. and if namaga, malalaman namin agad kasi palaging niyayakap si charli. possible daw na na-infect at na-trigger nung pinaliguan the day before lumobo.

⋒ second time na ni charli sa vet. actually, nakalimutan ko na 'yung una, pero nakakatuwa kasi ang behave niya hindi katulad nung tatay niya na nagwawala at umiihi pa. may pasyente na naman kami dito. sana gumaling agad si charli.

nag-subside na sa second photo kasi na-drain na, pero ito siya before:

and i wish i was a man who, when called out, could just dismiss it na matagal na yun at para bang naistorbo ko pa siya.

yeah, he apologized and took accountability. yeah, those drawings were made and posted eight years ago pero ngayon ko lang nalaman eh. these feelings are very real and fresh right now. i wasn't scared as shit like this eight years ago.

i appreciate you apologizing and taking accountability for what you did. yes, i get that those drawings are from eight years ago but that doesn't erase the fact that you made them without my knowledge or consent. my mistake for thinking you were still drawing me until 2024. nag-base lang ako sa timestamp nung gif na nakita ko sa tumblr mo.

ngayon ko lang nalaman lahat ng ito so this is all new information to me. what also bothered me was that even after i blocked you, which you were fully aware of, you still didn't stop.

i know i've said before that i started to hate our hospital runs but only because it came to a point where my doctors kept finding something new that's wrong with me and it got exhausting. still, i did miss the dinner dates after, especially in bgc, and the ride back home.

i have mixed feelings about july. on one hand, i'm excited for a lot of things - mostly the movies coming out and the scheduled ganapch with friends but on another, july is also the month i go back for checkups with two of my doctors.

so i'm currently sitting in the hospital waiting room writing this while waiting for my blood tests. i have two sets of tests scheduled and one of them required fasting. so i did. only to decide against it this morning to not get that particular test done for now and would just wait to see if doctora follows up on it during my next consultation (lol), turns out the test i actually ended up doing didn't need fasting in the first place.

so now i'm just hungry and craving for a 711 hotdog sandwich and magnolia fresh milk (you can guess what my sun sign is at how specific my cravings are).

anyway, i have more tests and checkups scheduled for next week so i have to go back. i feel a little sad today because i'm here alone. in the literal sense. or maybe i've just gotten spoiled. because when a dog bit me in the face in 2023 and i had to get emergency anti-rabies injections, in the face by the way, my friends came with me and nikka held my hand throughout the whole thing. ever since, my hand has been held during the times when i can admit that i'm scared. but today they're all busy.