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@natalienvyadams
good riddance I swear to never trust anyone

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ayoko pa matulog gusto ko pa mag-enjoy ng nature
puttanesca!!!
Changing our relationship with feelings
What we thought this meant: Butterflies mean they’re “the one.”
What we know it means now: Butterflies often mean our nervous system recognizes something as familiar, not necessarily safe.
What we thought this meant: Anxiety means something is wrong.
What we know it means now: Anxiety is information, not always danger.
What we thought this meant: Fear means don’t do it.
What we know it means now: Fear often means we’re stepping into something new.
What we thought this meant: Sadness means we’re moving backward.
What we know it means now: Sadness can be part of moving forward.
What we thought this meant: Healing means feeling better all the time.
What we know it means now: Healing means responding differently, not never struggling.
What we thought this meant: Confidence means never feeling insecure.
What we know it means now: Confidence is trusting yourself even when you feel insecure.
What we thought this meant: Peace means never feeling stressed.
What we know it means now: Peace is knowing how to return to yourself after stress.
What we thought this meant: Being triggered means someone else is the problem.
What we know it means now: Triggers often reveal wounds that are asking to be healed.
What we thought this meant: Strong emotions mean we should act on them.
What we know it means now: Strong emotions are meant to be understood before they’re acted on.
What we thought this meant: Missing someone means we should go back.
What we know it means now: Missing someone doesn’t always mean they’re meant for us.
What we thought this meant: Guilt means we did something wrong.
What we know it means now: Guilt can come from choosing yourself when others expected you not to.
What we thought this meant: Feeling uncomfortable means we’ve made the wrong decision.
What we know it means now: Discomfort is often a sign of growth, not a mistake.
What we thought this meant: Overthinking protects us.
What we know it means now: Overthinking usually keeps us from trusting ourselves.
What we thought this meant: Rest has to be earned.
What we know it means now: Rest is a biological need, not a reward.
What we thought this meant: Anger is a bad emotion.
What we know it means now: Anger often points us toward a boundary that needs protecting.
What we thought this meant: We should always trust our feelings.
What we know it means now: Feelings deserve to be felt, but not every feeling reflects reality.
What we thought this meant: Feeling calm means there’s no chemistry.
What we know it means now: Feeling calm often means your nervous system finally feels safe.
What we thought this meant: If it feels intense, it must be love.
What we know it means now: Intensity and love are not the same thing.
What we thought this meant: Emotional pain means we’re broken.
What we know it means now: Emotional pain often points toward what still needs our compassion.
What we thought this meant: Letting go means we stop caring.
What we know it means now: Letting go means we stop trying to control what we can’t.
I think that is the strange part. In obvious moments, like a friend announcing her engagement, my sister blowing out her 18th birthday candles, someone I love finally getting good news, or saying goodbye at the airport, when tears would have been perfectly useful and socially appropriate, nothing comes out. Then I spill my coffee and suddenly my body decides this is the emergency it has been waiting for.
Then it becomes endless. I feel like I held it in at the appropriate moments. It accumulates somewhere until one stupid little thing finally gives it an exit, like my dog being off-leash and suddenly developing selective deafness when I call him back. Suddenly I am crying over spilled coffee with the force of every emotion that never made it out on time.

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of course I still get sad, why else would I find myself here again?
today i barely heard from my boyfriend, and yes, it affected me emotionally even though i kept trying to dismiss it. i really want to believe, fully, that my security, self-worth, stability, and basic functionality as a human being are not things i externalize and outsource (after everything it took to heal from a thousand cuts), and much less things that should be shaken by a man being less present for one day or one month. feelings do not always wait for the reasonable explanation to finish speaking.
i want to cry, but about what exactly? what the heck?
it was also my sister’s birthday today, and i surprised her, which gave the day something warm and real to hold onto, my roommate bought a digicam and the nostalgia is everything, enough to comfort me today. after that i just tried to be as productive as i could, then did some mobility because fuck, i overexerted my legs and now i am slightly worried about tomorrow and this weekend’s trip with my very strong dog.
thank you, tumblr. being here helps a little.
-5/45 I Would Like a Cheeseburger with a Side of Cheeseburger and See if They Can Make Me a Cheeseburger Smoothie
Fifth day and I already broke my own rules. At 1:29 AM, I got so hungry I ate a cheeseburger I had personally declared forbidden, and I almost loathed myself for it, but halfway through it I caught myself smiling because… what the hell are my problems now?
My hours of sleep? The food I eat? Whether I followed my own little challenge perfectly, just to prove to myself that I do not have to enlist in the military to discipline the fatherless girl in me and father her this late in life?
There was a time when the problem was mere survival, at 17 I was dividing meals so they could last two days, at 18 I was homeless and couch-surfing through my friends’ houses on rotation, at 19 I was taking multiple jobs and sidelines just to stay afloat, in my early 20s was full of worrying whether a shaky client would disappear and take my income with them so I kept moving between nine-to-fives (actually sevens-to-sevens irl) while taking on whatever else I could.
I have told these stories enough times, but this time I am telling it from a place where I do not live like that anymore. I do not feel sorry about myself. I do not wake up afraid of tomorrow. I am no longer calculating whether I or my family can afford to eat again later.
So I just sit here and felt grateful for the absurd luxury of having problems like sleep discipline and meal timing.
I love my problems these days.
How far I have cometh.
What a privilege it is to finally worry about myself after spending years putting everyone else’s needs above mine. What a privilege it is to finally have bigger problems, like moving forward and learning how to live a life that is actually mine. I feel like an infant.
i wish i had a home somewhere in northern italy where i can spend my summers reading books, biking through the country, and eating fresh fruit all day
this is the first hyrox-accredited club i am designing, and we are so behind on the fit-out that i am only now submitting the graphic walls and floor stations. it is hard to picture everything properly when i cannot even step inside the actual space, so i built the layouts from the asbuilt, the photos and a lot of spatial guesswork and estimates. i just really hope the finished club looks as good in real life as it does in my head

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my god, why does reading a book in public feel vaguely performative now when it never used to? like people might think you are filming yourself for a slow-living soft-girl reel, or waiting for someone to notice the cover and use it as an opening line to hit on you like in the movies.
honestly, nobody cares. everyone is busy thinking about themselves and waiting for their own coffee to arrive. my main-character maxxing is weird because it comes with its own intrusive commentary.
this is what reading with ADHD sounds like. this is why i am taking forever to get to page 183. there is the actual book, then there is the cat, the leaves falling, the glare of the sunlight, every sound around me, and then another entire layer where my brain adds its own plot and unnecessary cinematography.
other than that i build the room around the sentence i just read imagine the weather, assign voices, wander into a completely unrelated memory, return to the paragraph read it thrice, then realize i retained none of it because i overhear the conversations from the table next to me. imeanwhile some people apparently just move from one page to the next like functioning citizens.
i may read slowly, but i rarely read passively. everything gets mixed with whatever goes on in this. it's pots vs colanders. i do not remember books cleanly. i remember them contaminated by life.
Day 4/45: the character arc industrial complex
It's past 4 pm, legs and glutes day, Indonesia meeting done, lunch with the family, some work wedged into the cracks, weekend camping already planned. Very put together for someone whose internal discourse is currently nonstop, arguing whether she has a healthy relationship with hard knocks or is just running a rebellious character arc factory on a looped toxic positivity and compulsion to manufacture meaning
I am so fired up with my coding agents today. One automation alone saved me six hours of work. Six hours I can now spend taking on more clients or, better yet, building my startup. This is the kind of leverage I have been chasing.
I think I am now officially addicted to automation.
is it me or does old tumblr feel like a fever dream
everyone somehow knew everyone through six degrees of reblogs, and we were all changing themes, learning html, answering anons like unpaid advice columnists, posting blurry night shots, writing monologues without AI, and doing emotional outbursts through tags
but now there are ads. blaze, which apparently allows you to pay money so they can place your post in front of random people who did not ask for it, (which feels fundamentally against the spirit of Tumblr because the whole point was to post something deranged at 3am and hope only 12 highly specific people understood it) sponsored posts. premium things. somehow even the place we used to hide in learned how to monetize being found
and now there are also so many creeps, disrespectful NSFW accounts, and perverts who treat women here like material. blank avatars, dummies, unsolicited shits, and strangers acting as though a woman posting a photo is automatically asking to be sexualized. i'm glad they are now being exposed as they deserve. the last thing I want is for the place we call safe little corner of the internet to be quietly swarmed by sweaty old dudes cataloguing women behind a screen
in this village, some people moved out. some blogs are dead. some names I still remember, although most have repainted their doors and changed the names on the mailbox so many times I am no longer sure who lives where. there are billboards in the hallway now and suspicious men peeking through the windows. still, opening my old dashboard feels like walking into a room I left untouched.
📷 photos taken in my favorite spot in pampanga
choose my next personality
🔥 fiery red-haired baddie
🎀 baby girl Korean perm

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Day 3/45 The Bloodwork
“I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.” — Sherlock Holmes, A Scandal in Bohemia, in The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
I smiled when I read this today because it felt strangely relevant to everything I have been doing lately.
This morning started with bloodwork. After putting it off for so long, I finally decided I was done guessing. My body has been trying to tell me something for years, and I owe it more than theories. I owe it data.
After that, I went to the Sheriff’s Office for our case.
When I moved out of my last condo, my landlord withheld my security deposit, and for a while I honestly thought there was nothing I could do about it. I had already developed this belief that pursuing anything through the justice system in the Philippines would only waste more time, money, and energy. But I filed the case anyway, completed the paperwork, followed the process, and now I am at the Sheriff’s Office because the system actually moved. It made me realize how easily we turn disappointment into theory before we have collected enough evidence from our own lives.
Which brings me back to the quote. I had already built a theory about the system before allowing the facts to challenge it.
What interests me about the quote is that theorising too early is not only an error in reasoning. Ego eventually gets involved. We form a theory because it makes the world easier to file away, then we become weirdly loyal to it, even when reality starts submitting corrections. I had already decided that my body was simply difficult, that institutions here were useless, that some things were pointless to pursue because disappointment was practically built into the architecture. Very efficient beliefs, actually. They save you from expecting anything.
They also save you from being wrong in a new and potentially useful direction. The harder part is letting new information change your mind and embarrass you a little. There is a whole subreddit built around being deinfluenced. We spend so much energy defending conclusions we arrived at years ago instead of asking whether they still survive new evidence.
As one of Tumblr’s big sisters, here is some practical advice in case a landlord ever tries to screw you over: document the condition of the unit before moving in and again before surrendering it. Take photos. Videos too. Insist on a joint inspection. Keep the lease, receipts, turnover documents, messages, and every suspiciously creative deduction they send you. Put your demand for the deposit in writing and give them a clear deadline. If they still refuse, file a small claims case. You generally do not need a lawyer to appear, and the Supreme Court provides the forms directly. Complete paperwork is less glamorous than righteous anger, but it travels much farther in court. Most importantly, money is money. There is no amount too small when it is yours. Letting it slide does not make you the bigger person. It simply makes it easier for them to do the same thing to the next tenant, and that is how these practices quietly perpetuate themselves.
Day 2/45 The Clockwork
Today started with something I have recently realized makes perfect sense: doing my workout first thing in the morning.
Ideally, I should eat something first, like a banana, oatmeal, or granola, but then I would have to wait for it to digest, and suddenly the workout gets pushed into the later part of the day. By then, work has started, errands & work notifs have appeared, and my brain has already found 12 reasons to postpone it. Getting it done early means I only have to shower and get ready once, then I can go straight into the rest of my day already having accomplished something important.
This is where Super Carb has been useful for me. I can drink it, read my emails while I give it a little time, then work out. I usually mix it with creatine and collagen. The gel carbohydrates are different because those are more useful during prolonged or high-intensity activities like hiking, running, or endurance training. For an ordinary gym session, I just need something practical that gives me fuel and energy without making breakfast an entire production.
Timing is everything.
Apparently, timing matters with supplements too, although I am still learning and I do not want to treat my current routine like universal law. For now, this is the schedule I am trying to follow:
On an empty stomach
* Water with a pinch of salt & lemon/calamansi for electrolytes
* Iron with vitamin C
* Wait around 30–45 minutes before eating
* No coffee, milk, calcium, or zinc around it because they can interfere with absorption
After breakfast
* Vitamin D3 + K2
* Omega-3
* B-complex
With dinner
* Zinc, half a tablet or every other day only
Before sleep
* Magnesium glycinate
* Ashwagandha
* Probiotic
Vitamin D is better absorbed with a meal containing some fat, it doesn’t have to be a high-fat meal. Even moderate healthy fats are enough, for example:
* Eggs
* Greek yogurt
* Salmon or sardines
* Avocado
* Nuts (almonds, walnuts)
* Peanut butter
* Olive oil
and higher-dose iron and zinc are better separated because they can interfere with each other’s absorption. Iron itself is also not something I should keep taking blindly unless my bloodwork actually shows that I need it. You know I used to take supplements blindly but dosage also matters based on your own body's needs.
At the gym, I talked to this girl with red hair after she asked if I was okay with her playing music on the speakers, and somehow we ended up discussing deep house and beast-mode playlists. This is actually part of my rules too: stop being so afraid to talk to strangers. I have met enough successful people to notice that many of them can walk up to anyone, start a conversation, and articulate themselves without shrinking first. I am 100% introverted, but that does not mean I have to remain socially timid for life. Talking to strangers expands what researchers call weak ties, the casual connections that often expose us to information, perspectives, and opportunities outside our usual circle. It is a learnable skill, even this late in life.
After working out I filed the workers’ permits, had lunch with my sister and his suitor, did some work, went to the hospital for the laboratory tests, took my mom out for coffee, and walked Ichigo.
Not an extraordinary day, but a full one. The day felt full, but not crowded. I think this is what I like about starting early: you can compress so much into one day without everything feeling like it is chasing you. Time behaves differently when you stop giving the morning away.