KAZSPACE

It's been two years since I posted! Why? Because I forgot my password and it was linked to my old number and instead of changing sim cards to said number to login - I just deleted the app and two years later I think, I should do blogs again. I install the app and I magically don't need to remember my password! Hooray!!

What have I done in two years.

That font is fancy. I wish I could handwrite like that.

It's amazing how fast time goes and at times you ponder what have I done this year.

2017

MMXVII

Fell in love. A new type of love. The love where you can understand when the oldies say "we've been together for over 50 years" originally I wondered how that is even possible without getting bored of the person. Now, I see it, understand it and feel it. David is his name.

Travelled more of Europe. To Carcassonne, France. Home of the biggest castle I have ever seen. A solo adventure to Belgium, Germany, Montenegro, Croatia, Hungary, Luxembourg. Possibly some other places... It's a bit of a blur.

Got drunk. Watched live comedy shows. Binge watched Netflix on rainy days. Played drinking and card games with friends.

Dungeons and Dragons came into my life. A group of us every Sunday would be playing D&D while drinking beer. Fun memories.

D&D came to a halt when it came time to say goodbye to each other. Moving to a new place, to a new country or an old one at that. Saying goodbye to friends who you have only known for a year but have made such an impact; these people make everlasting memories.

The stress of knowing next year, my visa expires. I am not ready to go back to Australia. I research for days where I can go do another year, or more in Europe to be close to my partner.

After a few weeks of planning. I decide on Ireland. It's for a year, close to England and of course the same language (although the struggle is real with some irish).

Lots of emotional moments. My true happiness is in London as well as my man. I try to focus on enjoying the time I have left but in tbe back of my mind, there's a reminder to say "in [x] days/weeks.... you have to leave". This hurts the most.

December 2017. Canada. My first trip to Canada to meet my partner's parents and family. It's bloody freezing but so magical. Snowfall is beautiful during the Christmas period. Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa, Kingston (-40 degrees celcius, thank you for knowing what fucking freezing is).

My partner takes me to New York City and we go on the Stephen Colbert show, as VIP. Thanks to connections. Liam Neeson is on the show and later on Stephen Colbert is standing next to me saying goodnight to the camera. I find out we're on tv. David doesn't clap when we're meant to (badass). He realises he's going to be on national tv as the guy who doesn't clap, notices this debacle and claps whilst the camera is on us. Looks hilarious on the clip.

2018

MMXVIII

January and February is mainly emotional knowing as of next month, I have to leave England.

I had to say goodbye to my close pal who was moving back to Australia about the same time as I had to leave England so it was damn hard.

It rolls around to me moving. Ireland. Some little trips here and there but mainly looking for work. I find a job and it's for a worldwide wellknown company. I feel lucky to have found work easy. A lot of people can't find the work in Ireland outside of Dublin simply because it's small. I move to Galway, west side of Ireland. Rains alot. But stunning views and very green. As you'd expect from how rainy it is.

I fly to London to surprise my partner for his birthday. His reaction when I opened his bedroom door: "woooahhhhh...what the fuuuu... Honey! Hi!". This was at 3 or 4am so it's quiet excitement. No need for me to explain the rest.

The months have just gone by so quickly.. A year in a country is not enough to experience it to the fullest. When I lived in London, it took me a year to find my feet, the friends and adventures. It took the second year for me to enjoy those experiences.

Only travel adventure outside of Ireland this year was to Edinburgh for the Fringe festival. It was nice but a very short time. So made the most of seeing friends within 3 days.

Ireland trips have been to Oughterard, Connemara, Cliffs of Moher and a couple of nice drive through of villages. I feel I could do more, but time is short and any time I do have... I want to be spending it with my partner.

It's nearly 2019. Christmas will be in Galway, the two of us. We will be together for two weeks straight. Since moving to Ireland, it was one weekend. Per month. That is all. From living together in London to just a monthly weekend visit; if we can go through this together, we're tougher than the rest.

My stepdad died this year. He was someone special and every now and then I have a cry because I miss him. No words can explain how much he has done for me. It tears me up just thinking about him.

David took me to see Rocky Horror singalong at Prince Charles cinema, we walked through Leicester Square and had our smooch as this is where we had our first kiss all those moons ago. We then went to Trafalgar square where David got on one knee and asked me to be his wife. So much joyful tears, happiness, togetherness!! I said yes but was so overjoyed, I had to ask David if I said yes yet because I couldn't remember.

Our love is so strong, we are looking forward to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Wherever this journey takes us, we do it together.

2019

MMXIX

March 2019, we head to Australia for David's first visit of the land down under and in April, we go to Canada, this time it'll be warmer and I will add Vancouver to the list.

That's about all to talk about for now.

Last time I blogged I was on my way to Edfringe.

I would highly recommend for anyone interested to go, should go. I’ll be going back again next year - with more funds and time. The roadtrip was absolutely stunning - starting in Edinburgh and made my way up past Loch Lomond then over towards Dundee. Plenty of towns, villages and beer along the way! Next time I’d like to get further up north. 

More recently I went to Cambridge and learnt that it’s pronounced ‘came-bridge’ not ‘cam-bridge’. That’s my country bogan accent kicking in. Although the British do have a thing for weird pronunciation. One thing we can all have a giggle at though - cockfosters. teehee.

It’s now August. And the last time I did a blog was that long ago, that I forgot my password and I’ve moved overseas so the 2 step verification made this account ever so fun to access again. Anyway, I’m back now, and I have a keyboard that works infront of me right now - so I thought I’d make the most of it..

It’s been an eventful, adventurous year so far. Experienced many feelings within 8 months. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, lust, all those other emotions which make you cry in animated movies over nothing. 

March this year, I went from my country life in Australia, to big city life London, England. It’s been everything I’ve dreamt of, plus more. If only the cost of living wasn’t so expensive - I’d probably spend the rest of my visa time here. 

I’ve been lucky enough to travel to The Netherlands for an amazing, ‘what did I do last night...oh, we won’t bring that up to the family’ experience in Amsterdam... Amsterdam adventures broke my laptop keyboard somehow, and I don’t know how...so typing is a prick. Yay on-screen keyboard! and smartphone! 

I also had a relaxing, rejuvenating time in Haarlem... A roadtrip around Germany - over 800 kilometers within 3 days. Which I could only describe as body breaking, eye-opening, beer drinking, sleep-deprived experience. 

I also managed to get to Luxembourg from Cologne. What a glorious adventure that was. Picturesque views, medieval feeling, hardly any tourists where I stayed - a village 40 minutes out of the ‘new town’. English-speakers are basically rare to find. Glad to have been with a friend who could speak fluent in French and German!  

The last time I saw Europe was around 2-3 years ago, on a tour. The perks you get going with a travel company always has its perks - you got the itinerary set for you, discounted prices, meet beautiful humans, having a ball along the way. But, travelling solo, no tour group just gives it that extra edge. You are more out of your comfort zone; you have the freedom, no time limits - and you get to learn more about the city if you learn the local language. I guess it all depends on if you have a general idea of where you want to go, or maybe you are just keen to check out bits and bobs; each to their own, of course! 

I’m off to Scotland within a week. It’s no foreign country, but one of my good friends I’ve made over here whilst living in jolly ol’ England is from Scotland. He’s just moved back to Scotland after 8 years living in London... 8 years, and I still struggled to understand what he said from the conversations we had. Our conversations usually involved ‘what did you say?’ ‘pardon?’ ‘huh?’ ‘say again?’ ‘speak slower.’ ‘....oh, right *nods in acknowledgement without knowing what I’m nodding to*...and so on, along with general insults. Quite the natural friendly relationship.. This was usually vice versa. 

I’ll be heading into the last week of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival - quite excited. There’s going to be crazy antics to be had. Then after that, a bit of a roadtrip around Scotland. 

Alright, so I was completing some university work and as I was typing - I thought, this is a huge deja vu moment. Every single thing was a memory. I could even say what colour the car was that was going to drive past my window before it even came into visibility, the song that was going to play next on shuffle mode (which was correct for anybody wondering), even that phone call I would get on my mobile. 

I've had so many of these moments in the past, and it makes my crazy imagination run wild. It makes me wonder, what if. What if the reasons I have so many deja vu moments is that we've already lived, in a different time and place and you're back again to correct mistakes, or choose different paths. 

The past deja vu moments I've had are usually ones which can have different paths. For example, in my past I would go get a drink at a certain point of time, and remember that moment, so instead of getting a drink, I get on Tumblr and write this blog. (big deal, yusss). But I've also had deja vu moments from a dream I've had. Such as when I was driving in my dream; I had a horrible accident, everything was so memorable and surreal so when this same moment happened in real life, I would even get some sort of bad feeling that something horrible would happen, so I would go a different route to avoid a crash.

Sounds a bit silly, since it was only a dream. But what if in that moment, I chose that path and something bad were to happen? There is that saying - wrong place, wrong time.. Could people have had that thought of "damn, should've went the different path"....

My idol, inspiration and someone who could make me laugh when I was dealing with my own horrible days has passed away. You may know him as Robin Williams. He has touched my heart, and will always be in my heart. I never met the man, I've only seen him on the TV and that was fine for me. He could make me laugh, make me cry and enjoy every moment of his movies and stand-up shows.

Depression is unfortunately the reason behind losing such a wonderful man. It's a word that is the silent killer and isn't spoken about very often. People with depression feel alone, that no one will understand and nobody wants them in this world, and when people say "it'll be okay" that's like someone saying "remember me" to someone with Alzheimers'.

We all have a strong point, to keep us going and fighting another day against this illness. For some, this strong point becomes a weak point and a struggle begins to occur to end up feeling like we should give up this fight and lose the battle. 

To me personally, I've cried so much since hearing of Robin's suicide. A man who provided so much laughter to all of us, just couldn't see the funny side of life anymore. It feels like I've lost a family member and I hope that one day, even though I don't know him, can see him up there doing a stand-up show, providing laughter to those like he in our world. 

However, as much as it is a shock and a horrible loss, I'm going to try and do what Robin's family wanted us to do - celebrate his life with laughter. I say try today since I am still struggling with the fact of losing someone close to me. 

To Robins' family and friends, adding to the millions of other fans, we send our condolences and if we could gather from all around the world to give you a hug, we would. The amount of heartfelt messages, letters, flowers and beautiful gifts you have recieved shows how much we loved Robin and how much we support you to keep carrying on his legacy. It'll be a long road ahead, but we're here for you. 

To the trolls, I have just read about what you did to Zelda, Robins' daughter. I'm disappointed and don't see how this can "bring the lulz". What I don't understand, is that you're human too. You will lose someone close to you and mourn like every other normal human. However, if you ever had someone show you graphic images of your loved one whom has passed, what would you do? laugh? No. You would feel sick and want to remove all social media like Zelda did. If you think otherwise, please do us all a favour and reveal yourself without your avatar, without your anonymous twitter handle and fake name. Come out from behind the computer screen and show that graphic image in person, face-to-face and see how long you will survive.

Finally, to those suffering.. Seek assistance from professionals such as Lifeline and Beyondblue. Speak to your closest friends, your family. There's more help than ever before and people will listen and not judge you. Every single human has felt pain, sadness and rough patches. You may think no one cares, that you're alone and the list goes on. That's where you need to realise, that if you take your own life. You will be leaving behind your family, your friends, your pets, the person next door who you never met but they will remember you and it'll hurt. Just like me.

I've lost friends due to suicide and it always leaves us with the question "Why?". The same for Robin Williams. Even though I know it was a long battle with depression and it has been severe as of late. We never ever want it to happen, whether it be friend, family, or even someone you don't know...We want you to stay alive and fight like the rest of us. We don't know if it gets better after we die, so please, keep fighting those demons and stay strong. 

We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt... But how we survive, is what makes us who we are.

Anyway, I thought - if I go get the spray, I'll spray my mail which could be important (ha - bills), but mainly if I left, no doubt the bastard would hide, highly possible under the mail. So I used of all things, my breath. Now, I'm not saying I had bad breath, but it was in the morning, I hadn't brushed my teeth, and if one blows, well you huff and puff and blow the spider away. 

So whilst I was blowing at the spider, I was trying to maneuver around it to get said mail. But the bastard kept running towards my hand instead of, oh I dunno, out of the fucking way. So a idea which I thought would've lasted about 30 seconds, turned into about 2 minutes of what people walking past or driving past probably thought I had a birthday cake in the mail and I'm blowing out the candles.

I know, in this time I could have gone and got the spray, sprayed it -- BUT then I'd have to wait for it to die. And let's just say, when I use spray, I nearly die from the fumes from how much I spray it. I think, actually, I know I waste so much spray on spiders; then they still run around like "WTF IS HAPPENING IF I FIND YOU - I'M GONNA KILL YOU" and if you ever spray them whilst they're on your wall, they manage to drop on either your bed, or lounge, or somewhere which is where we always are.