Kannaduh

Before I became a teacher, I was a rapper. I rapped just about everything: silverware, mail order brides, fish, and so on. You get the jist. I was really good at it too, I got employee of the month at my Amazon warehouse for two years straight.

Before I became a teacher, I was Santa Clause. My hair turned grey from all the stress during my stint in 'Nam, and when I got put out of commission thanks to a bullet in the buttocks, the government paid all my bills. Well, eventually the government forgot about lil ol' me, and stopped paying for all my expenses, so I needed a job. All I could do by then was drink beer and sit for extended periods of time - luckily just the skill set needed to become a mall Santa.

Before I became a teacher, I was a superhero. The town I live in today is joked about for being such a safe place, but that wasn't always the case. When I first got here, the town was a breeding place for scum who believed they could get away with whatever they pleased, so I crocheted myself a costume and set out to clean the streets.

Before I became a teacher, I was a taekwondo master. I picked up the martial art while stationed in Korea during the war, and quickly honed my skills until I was unbeatable. Upon returning home, I opened up a taekwondo dojo where I turned puny wimps into fearsome warriors, including five out of four members of the A Team, Rambo, and Jason Statham. 

Before I became a teacher, I was a tree. It began with my first grade play of The Wizard of Oz: as much as I tried to convince the teacher that a six-year-old boy could totally pull off Dorothy, we couldn't see eye-to-eye and I was cast as a tree. I was distraught, but on the day of the play I got a standing ovation for my performance as Tree #1. From then on my performance as a tree was the benchmark for all others, and I carried on my legacy, acting in major Broadway plays as a tree.

Before I became a teacher, I was a science monkey. I saw an ad circulating on the local paper asking for people willing to participate in scientific tests and who were okay with being tested on. I assumed this meant I would be injected with some drug to see if I gained psychic powers, or maybe be bitten by spiders so I'd turn into Spider-Man. Turns out they just wanted to see how I reacted to stress, so they had me do math tests while angry men yelled at me and loud music played in the background.

Before I became a teacher, I was a computer. Some of the world's greatest minds were involved in the Manhattan Project, but for whatever reason those fancy-pantsy MIT graduates with degrees in nuclear physics can't do basic arithmetic, so it was my job to sit in a room all day and do the math for them. I was also a basic Internet connection of sorts: when the scientists forgot the half life of carbon-13 it was my job to run to the library and look it up for them.

Before I became a teacher, I was a carrier pigeon in WW2. All our carrier pigeons were KIA due to the bird flu pandemic, so President Roosevelt personally entrusted me to fly trans-Atlantic to relay messages between him and General Eisenhower.