I feel, horribly, like I am behind. Shouldn't I be engaged and have a home I own and a steady job that I tolerate? Shouldn't I be on top of my fitness game and have a jogging group and a savings account? Shouldn't I know myself by now?
It is so strange to compare. My mom was already holding my brother at this point in her life. I am barely holding on at all.
I have no money and no prospects. I don't even know what the future vaguely looks like - only that it probably has student debt - and no, I haven't picked up a new hobby yet. I am just barely surviving. I am writing myself letters, sometimes, to remind myself where I am and why everything has stalled in place. It still feels fake.
For my entire life, capitalism put me on a clock. I am a failure to my past self - no agent for my book, no law school, no awaiting marriage. I still carry that anxiety with me, even knowing it's unhelpful. It's what I've been taught, you know. That I should always be moving, like a shark; and like a shark, if I die for something that's society's fault... Well, that's how things work. Don't look at the water. Tuck yourself against the wind. Eat bigger fish or be eaten.
Sit in your ratty apartment you share with 9 other people. Cry into your adult hands because you feel both like a child and too-old. Watch people make coming-of-age movies about 18 year olds. There aren't any for this generation - in fact, we have started setting them in the past. Before all this shit happened.
I just want to feel like I accomplished anything at all.
izzy806
dededos
discoholicmusic
