going nowhere

I don't think people talk enough about relapse. The path to recovery is one rightly glorified but it's not linear and being on it doesnt mean life is instantly easier than it was. If anything, getting bad after doing good is harder.

You build new friendships, new relationships in the time you're doing good. Your family gets used to seeing you smile again, engage in life and live it with energy and lust for laughter. Then it's like a light switch gets flicked and it's hard to see what was going so well in the first place. It's hard to feel you've moved anywhere from when you were that first scared little kid who wanted to kill themselves and suddenly you're 12 and crying at 2am again.

How do I explain that ? How do I explain feeling so helpless to my own emotions and my own headspace to everyone in my life who has become accustomed to yes, maybe some bad days and some rocky patches, but not this. Not the bottom of the cliff. It's been years since I was down here but my god its lonely to look up and see all your loved ones looking down on you. But how can they do anything else ? You're not supposed to be this much of a mess when you're just an adult. I'm not even into my 20s but I'm still not teenager anymore, I'm not allowed live impulsively and emotionally. I'm meant to be controlled, contained and coping.