me: *catches myself being judgmental* me to me: i did not raise u this way

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@kaleidoscopic-star
me: *catches myself being judgmental* me to me: i did not raise u this way

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literally impossible to kill (professionally diagnosed)
i’ve probably aged 4 years this year

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There is literally never any reason to yell at someone and try to make them feel small. Any issue you have with someone can be addressed in a calm, respectful way.
do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot
“you’re an old soul” is just old people speak for “i notice youve been depressed since you were 9″
Dont worry, if you're not sick of me yet you will be.

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"And yeah, I am glorifying the illnesses again. Like I'm fucking 13 and cutting my arms into ribbons with a butter knife just so someone would see me and not look straight through. But I couldn't actually give a shit anymore, and if it's all I have to glorify then why the fuck not, huh?"
Except I'm not actually worth falling for, darling. I can barely keep myself up right most days.
Getting bad again
“I’m fine, I’m just tired”. My depression is setting in but I don’t want to bother you with it
I want you to understand how chaotic, loud and inhuman my brain is,
But my darling, I wouldn't want to make you feel so insane.
Getting bad again
I don't think people talk enough about relapse. The path to recovery is one rightly glorified but it's not linear and being on it doesnt mean life is instantly easier than it was. If anything, getting bad after doing good is harder.
You build new friendships, new relationships in the time you're doing good. Your family gets used to seeing you smile again, engage in life and live it with energy and lust for laughter. Then it's like a light switch gets flicked and it's hard to see what was going so well in the first place. It's hard to feel you've moved anywhere from when you were that first scared little kid who wanted to kill themselves and suddenly you're 12 and crying at 2am again.
How do I explain that ? How do I explain feeling so helpless to my own emotions and my own headspace to everyone in my life who has become accustomed to yes, maybe some bad days and some rocky patches, but not this. Not the bottom of the cliff. It's been years since I was down here but my god its lonely to look up and see all your loved ones looking down on you. But how can they do anything else ? You're not supposed to be this much of a mess when you're just an adult. I'm not even into my 20s but I'm still not teenager anymore, I'm not allowed live impulsively and emotionally. I'm meant to be controlled, contained and coping.
But I'm not. I'm not coping. And I haven't the faintest fucking clue how to explain that to anyone .

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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im getting scared again
“It’s all in your head” yeah that’s kind of the entire problem innit