Short one shot about leaving Kirkwall after the end of DA2 and the thoughts Hawke has on a particular decision she made.
Pairing: Fenris X ruthless female Hawke
Greer Hawke could still see Kirkwall on the horizon, long after the boat had set sail. She also noted how not all of the fires had been put out, smoke painting an unrestful night sky, as she watched the city she had called home grow smaller and smaller.
Her grip on the railing tightened, making her wounds twinge but she paid it no mind, her thoughts still stuck in the city. Perhaps that was why she only noticed someone’s presence behind her when they spoke in a raspy voice. “Hawke.”
Greer shook her head, a small almost invisible movement, but didn’t turn around. A salty breeze picked up, playing with the tendrils of her hair that had escaped its tie. Wind kissed her face almost reverently, as if to calm her stormy insides. When time had passed without her giving an answer, her companion moved closer standing at her side with his hands on the railing. Fenris tried once again to engage her: “You have barely said a word since we set sail. Even Isabela is starting to worry at this point.”
She still didn’t answer, just stared at the shrinking city, thinking about the flames she left behind there.
A sigh followed the silence, weary and frustrated. “This is not like you.”
Greer’s eyes flashed but she didn’t turn them towards him. “I suppose you’ve always been the one more skilled at brooding.” She snapped, a poisonous sting in her voice.
Fenris answered immediately, seemingly relieved she finally responded.
“Just like how you seem to favor that icy stare of dominance,” he paused, then chuckled. “Ah, just like that.”
Greer gritted her teeth. “Of all times, now you choose to be playful?”
Quiet once again, a moment of hesitation, then a touch upon her shoulder, so soft it was barely there.
“Forgive me. Varric seems to be much better at lifting your spirit. He coaxes smiles from you so easily.”
Greer’s shoulders had already relaxed when he touched her, but at his words she turned her gaze towards him, meeting it at last.
In those stormy eyes he knew so well, Fenris found a bone deep sadness, a sea of unrest and hidden guilt. She sighed as she spoke.
“There are many who has coaxed things from me. Mostly things I allow. But other times...”
The elven warrior by her side shook his head in disgust. “You were right in killing him.”
Greer stepped back away from his touch at those words. “Of course you’d think that. You’ve let hate rule you for so long, you think there’s no other option.” Her voice dripped with bitterness and the quiet that settled was tense. She looked like she wanted to take her words of anger back, but she didn’t. Instead Greer turned towards the sea, to the burning dot of a city and thought of another man who had made her smile. A friend who was a friend no longer, just a shadow now. Biting down on her tongue did nothing to ease the stinging behind her eyes.
“Do you want to know why I killed him?” She asked softly.
Fenris only paused briefly, considering. “I think you want to tell me.”
“It wasn’t for Kirkwall. It wasn’t for the lives lost or the chaos he created. It wasn’t even because those lives are my burden to bear now since I helped unknowingly.”
Greer leaned clutched the railing so tightly, the wood groaned, her battle roughened hands turning white at the strain.
“I killed him because he betrayed me. I gave him my loyalty and trust and he abused it. Because he hurt me, and I thought killing him would make it hurt less.”
The champion of Kirkwall made a sound in the back of her throat. A small too vulnerable sound for a usually fearless hero.
A couple of clouds moved away and unveiled a bright moon, spilling light everywhere, making the ocean shine and glitter. It was pretty and bright enough that Greer simply watched for the longest time. Then she breathed in again. “Do you wish I hadn’t stopped you from killing your sister?”
This Fenris has a hard time answering. He stayed quiet, looking at the silver light, banishing shadows and playing with the waves.
“I.... don’t. Not anymore.”
And there was that look in her eye again. That terrible, lost and broken look. Fenris wished he could somehow take it away.
“I wish you would have stopped me.” She said.
The elven warrior, started to say something, an apology perhaps but trailed off when she turned from the ocean and towards him.
Slowly as always, giving him plenty of time to move away she raised her hand to his face. Then she trailed rough fingers against his cheek, pushing some hair that had blown into his eyes away.
Greer looked at him softly, a look he saw rarely those days. “We should do something about this hair of yours, it seems to be way too cumbersome and impractical.”
Fenris leaned forward to subtly encourage her ministrations. A small smile quivered at the corner of her mouth as she obliged, running fingers through the fine strands. As Greer caressed his hair she spoke lightly, almost with a sense of cheer. “I say we do something about these shaggy sides and leave it long on top, I’m sure it will look rather handsome.”
Fenris allowed himself a small smile, despite knowing that the haunted look in his beloved’s eyes would not go away for quite some time, maybe never. “So eager to change me are you?”
“No,” she shook her head drawing even closer until their noses almost touched. “I never wanted anything to change.”
She would never ask to be embraced. No Greer Hawke, never asked for comfort. Fenris didn’t know if she even knew how. So he simply wrapped his arms around her, letting her bury her face by his neck, letting her hide away from the world for at least a little while. Her hair smelled of smoke and dust and it reminded him of all they had left in Kirkwall.
Things weren’t going to be easy in the future. People may think Greer Hawke was a glorious champion sent to save people who were oppressed. A hero to all who were in need.
But at that moment on a boat sailing away from everything she had built, she was a refugee like so many others. One who had lost loved ones, one who had fought with everything in her power and still lost things that mattered.
And she was so very, very tired of fighting.
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