Kai's Shitty Blog

Laugh too loud when the room goes dead, Sirens screaming in your head, Mascara tears and a crooked grin, You’ve been gone too long, trapped within.

Torn apart but I won’t admit, Every nerve screaming, can’t quit

Heard you’ve been acting tough, do you think that’s enough? Spitting blood just to prove you’re alive, Heard you’ve been calling bluffs, saying you don’t need love, But you’re barely surviving the night. You’re all sharp edges and panic attacks, All your walls are cracking from within Heard you’ve been acting tough And you’re choking on the mask.

You kiss like it’s your last goodbye, Like the world is daring you to die, Every touch just a loaded gun, You’re the trigger and the one who runs.

You swear pain makes you real, makes you clean, Like every cut says what you mean, But you’re just another kid in a stall, Writing apologies on the wall.

Torn apart but I won’t admit, Every nerve screaming, can’t quit

Heard you’ve been acting tough, do you think that’s enough? Spitting blood just to prove you’re alive, Heard you’ve been calling bluffs, saying you don’t need love, But you’re barely surviving the night. You’re all sharp edges and panic attacks, All your walls are cracking from within Heard you’ve been acting tough And you’re choking on the mask.

Rip out the pages, swallow the proof You’re not a legend, you’re just abused, You don’t get holy from self-destruction, You drown inside your own eruption.

Not a drama, just a riot inside, Not a ghost, just chaos you can’t hide, Tear the mask, let the pieces fall, You don’t have to fight at all.

ACTING TOUGH — SPIT IT UP SAY YOU’RE FINE — THAT’S A LIE EVERYONE SEES — THE SHATTERED YOU EVERYONE KNOWS — YOU’RE TOO FAR GONE

Heard you’ve been acting tough, do you think that’s enough? Spitting blood just to prove you’re alive, Heard you’ve been calling bluffs, saying you don’t need love, But you’re barely surviving the night. You’re all sharp edges and panic attacks, All your walls are cracking from within Heard you’ve been acting tough And you’re choking on the mask.

It lies there for weeks cold and dead

While the world moves on its rotting instead

Does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?

It moves through the motions yet hollow and dead

A shadow of life where the living once stepped

Does anyone notice there's a boy in this bed?

Still breathing somehow, though the light has all fled

With a heart full of words he could never have said

Does anyone notice he's fading from sight?

He laughs in the day, then crumbles in the night

So a lot has happened since I stopped posting here.

Jake bought a house and we moved into it last Christmas. It's just a small unit but I absolutely love it. It used to belong to an old lady who owned cats so it has a built in cattery and cat flaps but that's not a problem for us.

Jake also proposed to me back in June and we're going to get married. I genuinely can't wait to get married to him. It was really sweet as he gave me a set of DnD dice instead of a ring as we met through DnD and its been a pretty important part of our relationship since then.

We went to the Avatar The Last Airbender concert for Jakes birthday. He loves Avatar so I got us tickets as soon as they went on sale knowing that would be the perfect present. I'm not usually into that style of live music, (I prefer concerts or music festivals myself), but it was honestly a lot better than I thought it would be.

Unfortunately my now sister in laws dog had to get put down recently as he got a tumor that couldn't be treated.

Jake and I finally moved in together. We've been living together in our own place for a few weeks now and its been really fun so far. Its honestly been super easy living together, we haven't had any problems between us. The only issue is its a really old shitty rental and the landlord never does anything when we ask.

We had the hot water out for two weeks because the landlord just wasn't getting back the anyone about getting a plumber in to fix it for us.

Turns out cooking with olive oil is dangerous. I accidentally set the oil on fire just from letting the pan get a little too hot and burnt my hand bad enough to need a trip to the doctors to get it looked at.

As long as I keep it bandaged and keep applying the stuff they gave me it should heal up fine but I'll have a slightly discolored patch of skin on the back of my hand forever now as a result.

On the bright side Jake and I are planning to move in together and we're going up to Geelong to look at some places and to visit his sister and brother in law. It honestly sounds like a fun weekend trip. Plus I get to see his sisters dog Alfie again. (Dog tax below)

I got sick.

Its probably just the change in the weather or me having shitty mental health right now but I picked up a really bad cold. I have a shitty immune system so its always worse for me than it should be.

I've been drinking a lot of tea lately to try and help my throat out. The upside to this is my voice sounds a lot more deep and manly while I'm sick so yay for that.

Jake took me out on a cute café breakfast date this morning. There's this really nice café in Healesvill. The food was really great and it was so nice to actually go on a date that wasn't just all about my partner for once. I felt like I was actually important and wanted there instead of being the partner that's just tagging along for once.

I finally got back into crochet again today and I'm planning to make some fingerless gloves with it. Its this really pretty grey-blue with a strand of holographic tinsel running through it. I think it will make really nice warm gloves.

I moved out of my mums today. Shit got bad at home so I had to. Jake helped me get some stuff and I got into a temporary place through Orange Door so I'm going to be staying in a hotel until I can find my own place.

I've started drinking a lot of French Earl Grey tea lately because Jake made it for me once and it being tied to that good memory has been helping me keep calm during everything that's been going on (I know that probably sounds stupid lol). I even tried cooking stir fry for the first time tonight for us and it actually turned out pretty good.