Koi Fish - he/xe/it

I'm really glad someone asked this because I wanted to clear this up but I didn't know how many people were following along with what we're doing. I was confused about separation for a while; I thought in order to separate you NEEDED to mess with memory. I thought it was a necessary evil.

Turns out that is NOT true. Embarrassingly, that was a foolish conclusion. I'm no longer advocating for that factor of separation. At first we wanted to unblend and leave it at that, but we now realize we want polyconsciousness, or our own flavor of it. We're attempting to have each headmate have their own consciousness stream, or if not every headmate as many as possible.

By polyconsciousness I mean each headmate can run their own processing stream without collapsing into each other, while still sharing memory. It's hard to describe and I wish more people talked about it so I can understand it more, and adjust the training to reflect that. I want to help and spread information, not misinformation

The idea of what would happen to memory at that point would be that everyone has access to the same stream, with slight differences: they would remember things they're aware of and if they had a memory they wanted private we'd likely respect it. Most of the time everyone's watching or at least keeping tabs on things happening externally while in mindscape, so each member has pretty much the same stream.

If they wanted something private, we'd respect it as long as it's not important to daily function. Someone asking to keep a work locker combination private would be straight up rejected. To summarize, we're okay with memory separation ONLY when it's under control and won't cause dysfunction.

As for dissociation, we'd like to use that for many applications like helping control emotions and mindscape immersion. As of now, when I ask those in mindscape to describe their senses they report that they feel both mindscape and physical body sensations, but mindscape senses are much more powerful to the point they can easily ignore/forget external sensations. As I'm frontstuck, I've never experienced this other than dreams. I'm thinking that experience is just incredibly intense visualisation rather than dissociation. Really I want to use it to not be controlled by emotional flares... AuDHD is well known for that.

Here's a good article on it -

Dissociation as an Autistic Tool https://share.google/hqPXBCVXnSY3626By

Controlled Dissociation would make rewiring the brain easier as there's less distractions, meaning we can sink deeper into meditation. It would be easier to access trance states, easier to relax.

We discovered our D.I.D around 2020. (I know it sounds like every fakers story but stay and listen)

As we started we thought logging alters was necessary, that keeping track of who's fronting and everything was how you fit in and keep everyone in line. Very quickly we learned that was wrong and practically impossible while still going through abuse.

And we learned thats okay.

Young systems, you don't need to have all these alters written down/logged in simply plural/ told to the whole world.

Instead us young systems should let alters do their job. Trauma is what caused this and trauma and stress is what is going to continue to happen to our small brain. It's okay.

We also discovered our system during covid. It was an isolating, slow period of time that made ignoring our reality harder (the reality being that my mind was not mine alone.)

And we thought to be "valid" you needed to know who was around and know the things about them. In theory that felt simple enough. How hard could it be to log a name, appearance, and general likes and dislikes?

Hard. veryfuckinghard. whatthefuck.

At least for us it was like a bunch of necklaces knotted together. Some were made of the same material like silver and gold, others were made of fabric, others made of stretchy string with lots of beads, and some were lanyards. The point being, it was hard to tell where one necklace began and another ended.

Especially silver and gold chains that looked similar but ended up being different lengths with different charms. They look the same, feel the same, but aren't. Yet that doesn't really matter if they are all in a little knotted pile. None of them can properly be seen like that.

We sure did try to though. Our Simply Plural was a mess. We've found that many profiles had information that made up 2-3 headmates. Because we were so focused on getting information down and knowing each other. It was exteremely stressful.

Unknotting necklaces takes time and care. It's okay to recognize you have a lot of silver and beaded necklaces, it's okay to note where you found them, what colour the beads were, how they made you feel. But you are unlikely to unknot a bundle all at once, and if you try you could put unnecessary stress on the chain/rope/string. Trust me, they aren't going anywhere!

Some will be easier to unknot than others, some will take more time, and sometimes you'll find out you have more necklaces then you originally thought. It's okay!

One day, you look at a pile of necklaces you were struggling with because they all look the same, and realize "oh, I thought all the beads were acrylic, but I see now that some are made of glass and paper mache."

I hope this makes sense? Understanding your system and who headmates are isn't a science. It's a creative process that is unique to you.

At this point in our journey (3 years in) we are using our simple plural mess to move to octocon. We aren't forcing any profiles. What works for us is having lots of tags/folders. The most important being

"Unsure about the name, but not the vibe"

Usually headmates with this tag are given a placeholder name, like the colour we see them as or some other characteristic like a personality trate, interest, etc. Like in our system there is "the quiet one" "valley girl" and "prince."

And

"Unsure about the vibe, but not the name"

Headmates with this tag usually just have a name, maybe something they said, liked, did, or how they interacted with another headmate. If nothing else we try to add pronouns or if they were masc, fem, or androgynous so they have a "feeler" to come back to if they front again, but if it's just the name the worst that could happen is it needs to be split again, but with the tag groups that makes it easy to see :)

These types of profiles start with little to no information and it's stressed that that is okay. Since doing this it's made headmates feel more comfortable since they feel like any information is good, and will likely be useful in the future, no matter how small. Even if the information is wrong! So many times wrong information has given us insight on how that headmate was viewed by other headmates and contributed to a deeper understanding months or years later.

All this is not to say you have to do this. If you don't want to gather information you don't have to. It's a lot of work. If you just want to chill and observe the differences in your pile(s) of jewelry as it happens, that's also well and good.

Don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a collection just because you can't tell them all the details of each piece.

I can't I'm seen as fully verbal

I can speak

Idk why aac is easier

Its more comfortable

I like it

I wish I could use it more

Speaking is tiring it hurts

Text Verbal

[PT: Text Verbal]

Text Verbal, a non official term for those who may be in the non-verbal spectrum and may find the only way they can communicate is though the use of texting.

Emoji Text Verbal, a subtype of Text Verbal where one finds using emojis instead of texting easier. (Can be related to texting quirks)

[Text ID: in Alt text]

[Emoji ID: in Alt text]

[Tag] @radiomogai, @liom-archive , @liomarchive , @imoga-pride , @the-mogai-archives , @mad-pride, @madarchive

[Credit] Symbol Used(link)

DNI is listed within my pinned post. Please go read it before interacting with any part of my content. Ask to tag.

It feels so, strange. Like, the fuck you mean what we're doing is genuinely making a big difference for some people? Huh?? ????

We're just a system with DID tryna collect resources for people. It seems almost surreal sometimes :P

..also we keep getting reminded that we once again forgot to change the font colour on new links, lmao

The only way into my building is through the front door which locks itself when closed. There's a back entrance but it's deadbolted from the inside. This means the only people who can get into the building are me, my cat sitter with the spare keys, and the people living in the other two units.

The door to MY unit now... has no doorknob. Impossible to get in.

There is a shared BACK hallway that leads to the shared basement/back entrance. My back door into this hall is always deadbolted. EXCEPT, fortuitously, right now, since neighbor (Molly) in unit 2 had heard Patches meowing when alone and offered to spend some time with her, so I had the cat sitter unlock the bolt.

This, LUCKILY, means there is A Way into my unit. But it requires getting into the building, then going THROUGH my neighbors' unit into the back hall, then up to my unit.

Cat sitter is effectively locked out from Patches, and won't be able to get in if not fixed by the next day.

Text neighbor about predicament. They're willing to look at my door bUT (it's Christmas) they're not home and not getting home until the next day.

Next day, text for an update but hear nothing. (Neighbors aren't attached to their phones much). Communicate with catsitter saying "okay if I don't hear back from neighbors, maybe you go over and I contact a locksmith who you can let in?" (since cat sitter has the keys to the building)

Catsitter is very not keen on the idea

Patches is unaware she's a prisoner.

Hear back from neighbors. Say they should be home around 5pm.

Okay... Good Enough... (Patches graze-feeds so Luckily she hasn't missed any meals but we're going on 24 hours of house arrest Patches).

6pm comes. 7pm comes. 7:40pm I text asking for an update. Nothing.

8:30pm I'm figuring out what friends I can call to break into my own house. Text neighbor again and notice this text doesn't go through.

Text neighbor's partner being like "hey sorry, can't seem to reach Molly--". Get a text back "Sorry this is Molly on David's phone! My phone died." Family Christmas plans ran late but they're on their way back and will be home soon. Thank goodness.

9pm-ish, they get back, give Patches attention and top up her food. I get a text "David fixed your door!" Woo!

Friday 5pm I finally get home

Lugging my suitcase up three flights of stairs while I hear Patches meowing like a dying Victorian child

Shoes off coat off suitcase down fish out keys unlock door grab doorknob

...Doorknob falls off

Falls off right into my hands

Staring at doorknob. Staring at door. Patches meowing. Shove doorknob against door like an idiot and no it does not go back on.

Fucking

Go down flight of stairs, knock on Molly and David's door. David is luckily home. "My doorknob fell off again can I go home"

David lets me in. I scoot past their dogs and apparently I startled the more nervous one since she apparently tried to nip at me but I didn't even notice because I'm like my cat.

Get in through the back hall.

Patches comes bounding over.

My cat.

Doesn't even know she was a prisoner.

Doesn't even know what a doorknob is.

Later that night receive a text from neighbor apologizing for the dog and I'm like "I Did Not Even Notice."

Any attempt to leave my house now is perilous until I fix the doorknob.

Can't even leave my door cracked open because I know Patches is gonna shove her stupid little face through it and become the opposite of a prisoner.

I wanna go buy a reeces peanut butter cup but by god it's not worth the risk

I'm gonna try to fix the doorknob

Or... buy? a new doorknob?

On Amazon searching "doorknob".

You are completely right because I have now investigated the knob and can confirm the screw holding the knob to bar was loose. I have tightened the screw and it SEEMS fixed but I’m very Fool Me Once on this since my neighbor also thought they’d fixed it.

To swap in the new knob I'd need to cut a new knob-hole an inch higher in the door which

With what tools

That would leave an unused gaping doorknob-sized hole in my door which any robber the size of a weasel or smaller will use to rob my home. I don't need fucking Redwall in my home.

Probably bad for the integrity of the door

I don't wanna.

I think what I really want is just the knob like above tags said. Like the knob and the rectangular bar, which I can substitute in for my stripped-bare knob and rectangle bar. I WOULD do this with the new knob, but it's got two welded-on spokes poking out from the knob.

I can maybe drill two holes for the spokes in my door...?

(Squinting at shitty amazon listings trying to see if any knobs don't have the two spokes)

(I think the two spokes might be standard.)

Developing new respect for Jesus (carpenter).

In the meantime, because I'd already unscrewed a lot of things I DID take the genius action of flipping my current doorknob around.

This way the side that causes problems is on the INSIDE.

Doorknob fall of while INSIDE house significantly better than doorknob fall off while OUTSIDE.

I'm retightening all the screws.

So it does!

Never heard the term "spindle doorknob" before so I never would have found this on my own.

They're also all labeled "vintage" which extra feels right since my door predates the Cambrian Explosion.

Several dozen stories of other people getting locked in/out of bathrooms/basements/classrooms/bedrooms/buildings. Extra shout out to the person whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid4reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesdweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Patches is on my keyboard

whose classmate managed to do this twice, in rapid succession, to both sides of a classroom door after being saved the first time.

Several people taking this as a sign to go tighten their doorknob screws, including someone whose knob fell off in their hands while doing this

10 or so people reading the "can't have shit in Detroit" meme to mean I live in Detroit. Sorry to confess I'm a fake Detroitite. Doxxing myself by 0.00001% more by informing the world I live in not-Detroit.

Many many people wondering why I'm not pestering my landlord about this. Truth is my landlord is way too sexy, cool, fashionable, smart, pretty, funny, and popular on Tumblr to it's me. It's me. I'm me I'm my landlord. It's my condo. Including, with immense regret, every single doorknob inside.

3 separate professional locksmiths who have reached out offering advice, which is very cool. I have burst into a virtual hardware store clutching my shit doorknob and fainted, only to be caught by three very strong and cool locksmiths rushing to my aid.

ALSO MY PAPER TOWELS

(Ran out of paper towels)

Old knob coming off.

Wretched thing. Accursed knob of woe.

Get undid

New knob reign by forceful coup. Went to great pains to PRECISELY wait Patches is escaping

Patches retrieved

Anyway GREAT care was taken to ensure both knobs are ALIGNED, EVEN, SCREWED ON, with the wait hang on

Patches retrieved again.

Anyway

DOORKNOB SCREWED ON

KNOB

No one is going to say "I'm neutral on autism, I don't believe autism is real but I won't harass anyone who says they have it!" And then get praised for it

If you're endo neutral fuck you. These are real experiences people have. You can't just "be neutral" on something people get harassed for being every day. Fuck you

You're either pro or you're anti, that's it. You can't be neutral on depression. You can't be neutral on schizophrenia. You can't be neutral on DID. You can't be neutral on dissociation. You can't be neutral on amnesia. So why the fuck are endogenic/nondisordered systems the exception? You can't be "neutral" on depression because you either believe people can be depressed or you think they're "just lazy". You can't be "neutral" on amnesia because you either believe people can forget things or you think they're just lying

You're not "neutral". You either don't believe endogenic/nondisordered systems exist or you believe they exist.

There is so many reasons for hearing voices in your head that doesn’t mean you’re a system

People have internal voices that can be not their own voice but is still their own thoughts

People can be on the schizospec and hear voices that aren’t theirs

People CAN be systems and not remember their trauma or can’t come to terms with it so they use the term Endogenic

There's many reasons for hearing voices, including psychotic spectrum disorders, cultural and spiritual practices, possession experiences, non-structural dissociation, structural dissociation, the multiple selves personality theory, a standard and normal human experience, and yes, endogenic and non-traumagenic systems.

A "system" isn't the same thing as having a CDD, per numerous other areas, and The Haunted Self, the theory of structural dissociation. You can view some of it here, It has a multitude of definitions, and is used in a wide variety of contexts.

An endogenic system is a system that formed from something other than trauma, not a system that doesn't remember or can't come to terms with their trauma. They can still have trauma, many do and have a dissociative disorder because of it, it's just that their system wasn't directly formed from trauma.

Multiplicity, systemhood, and plurality have existed in non-pathalogical populations for a very long time. It just goes by different names.

CDDs such as DID are so, so much more than just alters and being a system, yes. Just like they're so, so much more than just dissociating. They are complex dissociative disorders, which are caused by structural dissociation, which is caused by trauma. They include numerous trauma symptoms, typically an extensive trauma history, severe depression and anxiety and sleep disturbances and flashbacks, cause distress and dysfunction, and heavily impact day-to-day functioning. Because that's what a mental disorder is, a collection of symptoms or experiences that cause distress in day-to-day life.

If there's no distress, there's no reason to be diagnosed. If the full diagnostic criteria isn't met, there isn't a disorder. Most, if not all, symptoms found in mental disorders are also found without them.

Sadness without depressive disorders, anxiety without anxiety disorders, seizures without seizure disorders, trauma without trauma disorders, hallucinations without psychotic disorders, social difficulties without autism, attention struggles without ADHD, compulsions without OCD, emotional dysregulation without BPD, impulsiveness without ASPD, poor self-image without AVPD, trust issues without PPD, indecisiveness without DPD, etc.

DID and other dissociative disorders are no different. Dissociation exists outside of dissociative disorders in a variety of contexts, including normal life. Multiplicity also exists outside of dissociative disorders, also in a variety of contexts, also including normal life. Nontraumagenic multiplicity has shown up in brain scans and numerous other pieces of research.

-Ithiel

Both aromantic and asexual people ask people to make the distinction because those two are not the same

There is a distinction between 'aromantic' and 'asexual'

Some people who are both think 'aromantic asexual' is a mouthful so they call themselves 'aroace'

People start using 'aroace' when they mean 'aromantic'

I volunteer for my local shelter and when the weather's good, we do a free vaccine clinic every Friday. Free distemper, free rabies, cats and dogs. We hand out free food from the pet pantry, we give people leashes and collars, we do whatever we can to keep people's animals at home and healthy. Every animal that can stay home and be fed and be vaccinated is an animal that we can keep out of the shelter.

We get all kinds of folks, sometimes we even get backyard breeders but we don't do any judgment, because we want people to come and get their dogs vaccinated, because one parvo case costs $7000+ and the whole year of Parvo vaccines for hundreds of dogs costs less. It's just harm reduction, everything we do is harm reduction.

So anyway, this one day this woman comes up to the vax clinic and she is high as fuckin' hell, just obliterated fucked up, smoking a joint in line, and she has this TINY pibble puppy with her, maaaaybe four weeks old. This thing is so fuckin tiny and wormy and lethargic, and she's like, "Hey I heard I can get her shots." and we're like, oh fuck this puppy is gonna die. Like straight up, we were all like, fuck that dog is gonna die. So we gave her wormer, we gave the first distemper shot, and I put together a whole care package: wormer to take home, puppy milk replacer, puppy wet food, a leash, a harness, some blankets, toys, we gave her instructions on how to get the puppy eating food, and we told her to come back in 3 weeks for the follow up vaccine. And we were all like, well fuck, that puppy's gonna die, goddamnit, that's so fucked up. But you know, we did our best, and we hoped we'd see her again.

And in three weeks, you guys, she showed up. And she was still high, but like, half-high this time. Smoking a cigartte in line but like, could focus, could ask and answer questions. And she'd taught that tiny puppy how to SIT and had her walking on a leash. We found out that it took her three buses to get to the clinic, and she told us all about how she got the puppy eating right, got her stool solid, she was taking her on walks... The puppy looked so good, you guys. I almost cried, it was so big. Really happy puppy. At the end of the visit, we were like, ok, see you in three more weeks for the next distemper.

So three weeks later, she shows up, and she's sober, and she told us, "You know, I was really fucked up the day I bought that puppy, I wasn't sure I was going to live, and I bought that puppy and she was too young, and I didn't know what I was doing but y'all were so nice to me, and you helped me so much, and I knew that I had to give this puppy the best life I could, so I moved back in with my grandma, and I'm getting clean, and I'm on methadone, and I'm going to rehab next week, and when I get back, I'll come back and visit you guys again."