jcme

This isn’t new for us. Seasonally, there come times when I can’t react properly to your banters and bluntness. Most of the time, I take it with stride. But last Monday was a day I failed. 

Once again, the third time. 

I sometimes wish that reacted differently. But I also wish that I couldn’t feel hurt when you call me out.

I feel bad that I couldn’t cope up. I understand what you’re going through. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be far from your family that you’re really close with. And that no matter how hard we try here to make you feel comfortable, it just won’t match up with the comforts of home. 

I understand that hostility is your love language. And you know it well - there are a lot of times that I react with you with love no matter how hostile you can get. But the thing with hostility is its nature - I can’t always be able to act positively to it. I’m sorry.

A lot of times nagtitimpi ako. Kahit ba inis na inis na ko, tinatangke ko na lang. Sinasabe ko naman sayo pag nasasaktan ako eh. I just wish you would consider and acknowledge that. Mahirap pag sinasabe lang sayo,

“Ano ka ba!?”

“Pinagsasabe mo!?”

“Ewan ko sayo!”

I wish you can hear me out. I always try to hear you out but hostility tends to block calm soundness. I’m sorry.

Every time we fight, I always wish I’m given another opportunity to be patient. I wish God could give another opportunity to stretch my patience further - the further that it can get just so that I’m able to match up to your expectations.

I’m just here to help. And that’s why it hurts. I want nothing but the best for you but why do you always seem so mad at me.

Nasusunod ko naman as a mental reminder to just shut up when you lash out. But it’s hard when we’re stuck in such a small room and hearing hostility non-stop can do a number on you. We are isolated in 4 walls. Most of the time, I’m working. And when I’m not - the thought of work is still on my mind. I’m stressed. I take it in alone. If I get mad, I don’t want to stay mad. I blame the room. I blame the pandemic. That’s why I leave and try to breathe in a separate space. I can’t make you follow the same way I do things but that’s the way I handle things. You know full well how I react when we keep trying to call each other out at the peak of our emotions - it’s never pretty.

But despite all that and despite all the hurtful words we said to each other, I still believe we’re not ourselves. This may be the new us - but this isn’t us at our best.

If you want to go home - I won’t stop you. If you and everybody believes that will help you, I won’t stop it. Leave on your own terms.

But with the thought alone - it’s a sharp pain down my chest. I always want to steer clear away from you but I always end up feeling empty with the thought of you not by my side - even more so when you’re unhappy.

If you want to take Jared - as I said, the child should be with the mom. I still believe that you’re a great mother. You really are - di ka naman magagalit kung di ka concerned kay Jared. I don’t know what to do with this thought but let’s just work it out on where I’ll stand on this.

And lastly, if you really want to call it quits. Know that I don’t want to.

My life is just a mess without you. I just wish we’re both given the opportunity to be better people. 

Sana di na lang ako nakikipag-away pag nakikipag-away ka.

Sana naiintindihan mo na di kita nilalayasan - ayaw lang kita masaktan.

Sana bigyan mo rin ako ng onting pasensya pag di maganda reaksyon ko sayo.

Ayoko naman talaga nakikipag-away eh. Alam mo naman na malambing ako by nature.. hostility is not my love language. But I show it when I can and on every opportunity that I can.

All this stress I think is temporary. And I’d like to see through this year and welcome the next knowing that things will be better.

And I hope the three of us are together when that time comes.

Whatever you want to do, you call the shots now.

Remember that.

Historically, humans have been prone to the sway of unreasonable behavior - uncalculated risks, fits of paranoia, choosing bigger losses to gain small wins or conveniences.

A relationship is often the most vulnerable when this hits - and usually, it hits by surprise.

Nobody should ever fault you when you feel that way.

But never stand by irrational emotions - rationalize what you feel, but never defend it.

Irrational thoughts even comes to the most grounded individuals.

Just remember to apologize and forgive - that includes yourself.

The general reception of people who have had the pleasure of getting to know April is that she’s a fun, happy-go-lucky and cheerful person who can be a little over-the-top sometimes but is bottomline, a human being with a good and motherly heart.

Heck, that’s how I got to know her. And I love her for that. That’s why it was a complete no-brainer for me to ask her to be my partner. I chose her for this.

But alas, stay with a person long enough you get to see their worst sides. Unexpected triggers that will catch you even on seemingly good days.

She can be irrational.

She can be moody.

She can be a downer.

She can be careless.

She can be verbally hurtful.

....just like everybody else. Like you and me: Human. Perfectly imperfect. She is not evil because of this. And I will continue to choose her for this.

People who jump ship the moment they experience troubles like these fail to see that everyone can be like this. Everybody has their own struggle. You don’t leave them when it gets tough nor is it your job to put them in the right place. It’s our role as a companion to be there for them through the ups and downs. To be patient, helpful and understanding as you traverse your individual paths.

April is an amazing person - tough but kind, brash but cuddly, silly yet stubborn, simple yet full of heart: she won’t hesitate to defend her loved ones at any given moment but also someone who malfunctions on emotional distress, a person who needs a hug every now and then even when she doesn’t admit it. (To Mamow: fite me)

Anybody that fails too see April the same way I see her, is definitely missing out. 😤 Your loss, haters.

And even you, Mamow. 🤗🤗🤗 I’m positive that I’m not alone in seeing you in the same light. Remember who you are. You are loved!

9 months. The 3rd quarter of us already? That was quick, 2018. Thank you for my woman. 🥰

My makeup aficionado

My youtube addict

My social media queen

My bully

My sleepyhead

My potato

My unicorn

My mermaid

My Batman

My Grace

My plot twist

My sunshine

My love 💖

An open letter to Mamow. 🤷🏻‍♂️🙆🏼‍♀️

8 amazing months with this person.

But last night, we fought.

Details aside - Sure, she can be a pain. But that’s the thing - you choose the pain you want to go through.

That’s a relationship. She’s my pain to handle. Mine.

And the pain I go through with her is nothing compared to the happiness I get when I simply get to see her.. may that be after a long day in the office or even as simple as receiving a selfie. Her sight is sunshine alone.

And if you’ve been following us on social media - you can see that we’re all laughter and smiles. The thing is, that’s genuine - also as genuine as the hardships and fights we experience.

Though in my opinion, if you think about it, most fights - if you’re not cheating in the first place, are usually petty. I personally don’t mind taking them seriously because as petty as they may seem.. everything matters.

From the smallest bit - even the smallest things matter. You don’t allow yourself to let it fall through cracks.

Once that’s acknowledged, you focus on the good times, the positives, the rainbows and butterflies - you remind yourself what you already knew in the first place:

I chose the one I am with right now because I love her.

Staying in the relationship isn’t the solution - making the concious choice of always choosing your partner with the utmost consideration is what keeps any ship afloat.

With that, in the 20 months of knowing you and the 8 months of being your partner, I just wanna say that I will always choose, love, and appreciate you no matter what. Willing to go through more ups and downs in life as long as you’re by my side.

I’m sorry for the times that I can get overly dramatic and sensitive (I don’t know if you’ve noticed but as much as we would like to deny it: we’re both pretty naggy 😂)

I’ll do better on that - always. No promises, but you can count on it.

I love you, that’s all there is. Mamow and Dadow fo lyf.

P.S.