Just phkin AJ

We have been exposed to a pandemic where we have been deprived of a basic human need (social interaction) for a grossly extended period of time (due to human studpidity but also that is human nature).

Now, we have been offered this vaccine: it’s not 100% effective, and even less so because a considerable portion of the population remains unvaccinated. However, it has lessened the risks… and the restrictions on our basic human need (again, social interaction).

Here’s the catch: the restrictions are lifted, BUT you must exercise caution and restraint (along with your own judgement) in order to safely regain the need without sending everyone back to having it taken away again.

You interact with one person. You wait. Nothing happens. You are proud of yourself for making a good decision and happy you are not sick, and you got what you want.

You meet up with a small group. Same thing. Maybe you wait 10 days instead of 14. (It’s still a recommended quarantine period!) You’re not sick. Endorphins. You did it again.

You go out to eat. You’re not sick. You go to the mall. You’re not sick. You go to the salon. You’re not sick.

All of these little risks you make on a day to day basis is building up, but you ignore the people that aren’t getting the good news, the people who got their bluff called. And every time you ignore another person leaving the table because they’re all out of money, you’re increasing the risk that you’ll be the next one to leave.

I am a queer transmasc enby, mostly male-attracted, but I’m bi so occasionally a woman will spark my fancy. And like, I am a guy. I identify as a nonbinary guy, but I can’t shake the expectations I developed for relationships being raised as a cis girl. Even more than that a cis girl being raised by conservative Catholic parents.

I want a guy who can take charge, who has a quiet dominance to him, who will take care of me when it gets hard. I want someone who will dote on me a little, who will tease and fluster me because they think it’s cute when I get embarrassed and try to hide my flushed face. I want a guy who isn’t afraid of the challenges that would arise dating me with all of my issues, mental and physical health-wise, along with some lovely things from my past that like to torment me, dangling over my head constantly like the sword of damocles. Someone who can scoop me up and help me regain feeling after the numbness of a depressive episode and who can con me into calming down and laying with him to watch a movie instead of doing something I’ll regret while manic.

Because I want to feel cared for and safe, but I also want to be able to do the same for him. I want to tease and fluster him, remind him that I love him. I want to be his best friend, his person, the one who he can turn to for help, for comfort, to share in joy and pain with. I want to care for him in my own way.

But that’s such a traditional concept. It’s a traditional male/female Christian couple standard, and I’m aware of that, but gods, I ache for it. I really do.