#justphkinrants

I am a queer transmasc enby, mostly male-attracted, but I’m bi so occasionally a woman will spark my fancy. And like, I am a guy. I identify as a nonbinary guy, but I can’t shake the expectations I developed for relationships being raised as a cis girl. Even more than that a cis girl being raised by conservative Catholic parents.

I want a guy who can take charge, who has a quiet dominance to him, who will take care of me when it gets hard. I want someone who will dote on me a little, who will tease and fluster me because they think it’s cute when I get embarrassed and try to hide my flushed face. I want a guy who isn’t afraid of the challenges that would arise dating me with all of my issues, mental and physical health-wise, along with some lovely things from my past that like to torment me, dangling over my head constantly like the sword of damocles. Someone who can scoop me up and help me regain feeling after the numbness of a depressive episode and who can con me into calming down and laying with him to watch a movie instead of doing something I’ll regret while manic.

Because I want to feel cared for and safe, but I also want to be able to do the same for him. I want to tease and fluster him, remind him that I love him. I want to be his best friend, his person, the one who he can turn to for help, for comfort, to share in joy and pain with. I want to care for him in my own way.

But that’s such a traditional concept. It’s a traditional male/female Christian couple standard, and I’m aware of that, but gods, I ache for it. I really do.