I Crave

It's so dumb and it's not fair and I just want physical affection and attention and I hate this feeling so much.

Someone please cuddle me. I need to warm this cold cold feeling inside of me right now.

It had theses early Cézanne-Style walls in the foreground and then people felling every negative emotion behind them.

I singled out a little child in that picture, curled up below most of the other figures , clearly scared and crying.

The people-Section came together like a markerdrawing in timelapse and when I managed to stop staring at that kid that had slowly disappeared into the shadows, no one could see me, my room wasn’t in use anymore and I didn’t have a Voice nor could I properly control my movements. I was staggering, couldn’t walk straight. I tried calling the nurse, but what I was trying to say was Papa, that was the nurse in my head apparently, but nothing came out. I didn’t have a voice. Only whispers. I went back into the painting and I think I took the place of the child in that painting, just sitting there, in the shadows, letting the world happen and when I came out again, there were people walking around, a man in a pinstriped suit, I think he was smoking and a child and I stumbled towards the father, but the child screamed and I think I pushed the dad with me out of the window but I survived and stayed that voiceless, frail husk of either myself or the child from the painting, I really don’t know. I woke up after that.

The child was just paint on the wall, a small part of the mural and clearly not special to the artist. I watched it’s details vanishing into painted shadows like a timelapse of someone building up colour with alcohol markers.

And I‘m not sure if or when the dream version of me died. I can’t tell if I died and got stuck in the painting as a monstrous looking ghost, or if dream me just got forgotten and turned into that monster because of that, so fixated on that child that had been painted into nothing but shadows that I forgot to exist and it could go into the painting after.

I could only see my arms at the end, stayed strictly in the monster pov, but they looked thing and brittle and I could only whisper noises and barely speak. I have no idea what I became.

It had theses early Cézanne-Style walls in the foreground and then people felling every negative emotion behind them.

I singled out a little child in that picture, curled up below most of the other figures , clearly scared and crying.

The people-Section came together like a markerdrawing in timelapse and when I managed to stop staring at that kid that had slowly disappeared into the shadows, no one could see me, my room wasn’t in use anymore and I didn’t have a Voice nor could I properly control my movements. I was staggering, couldn’t walk straight. I tried calling the nurse, but what I was trying to say was Papa, that was the nurse in my head apparently, but nothing came out. I didn’t have a voice. Only whispers. I went back into the painting and I think I took the place of the child in that painting, just sitting there, in the shadows, letting the world happen and when I came out again, there were people walking around, a man in a pinstriped suit, I think he was smoking and a child and I stumbled towards the father, but the child screamed and I think I pushed the dad with me out of the window but I survived and stayed that voiceless, frail husk of either myself or the child from the painting, I really don’t know. I woke up after that.

The child was just paint on the wall, a small part of the mural and clearly not special to the artist. I watched it’s details vanishing into painted shadows like a timelapse of someone building up colour with alcohol markers.

And I‘m not sure if or when the dream version of me died. I can’t tell if I died and got stuck in the painting as a monstrous looking ghost, or if dream me just got forgotten and turned into that monster because of that, so fixated on that child that had been painted into nothing but shadows that I forgot to exist and it could go into the painting after.

I could only see my arms at the end, stayed strictly in the monster pov, but they looked thing and brittle and I could only whisper noises and barely speak. I have no idea what I became.

of my beautiful princess

with a disorder

I genuinely mean that. I've never understood the concept of dating. What's the difference between romantic and platonic affection? Where is the line drawn?

If you go out to dinner with your partner, it's a romantic date. But friends go out to eat together all the time, with only two of them. It's not romantic if they're friends. Why not? It's the exact same thing, with different labels. Two people eat dinner, alone together at some restaurant. The only thing that seperates them is that the former are in an "official" relationship.

When you have a crush on someone, you want to get to know them and you want to spend extra time with them. When you want to be good friends with someone, you want to get to know them and you want to spend extra time with them. Is the line drawn at sexuality? Is it because you'd only have sex with a partner?

There's no way it's like that. So many people value the romantic aspects of relationships and don't care for the sexual, which means there has to be something else special about it. But what even are the romantic aspects? To me, it sounds like they're the same as friendly gestures, but with a different label. Is it kissing? I doubt people would go so far as to create a new genre of relationship just for kissing.

My theory is that people value romantic relationships because of the limitation. You can have many friends, but (for whatever reason) you can't have more than one partner. It's special because only one person in the world can give you this relationship at a time. But that theory falls apart when you put polyamorous people into the equation. If romance is special because it's limited to one, what do poly people find valuable in relationships? Everyone in the relationship deeply cares about the others, but more than their close friend/s? From what I've seen, the only difference between mono and poly people when it comes to romance is that the polyamorous can have more than two in their relationship. I've seen no difference in their actual feelings towards romance.

My old therapist tried explaining once (great therapist btw). According to him, romantic relationships are a layer above close platonic relationships. A special bond is shared, you care about them more than anyone else, and you do things you wouldn't do with a friend... That makes no sense to me. I wouldn't put anyone above my best friend, and I have a bond with her without it being romantic. Also, loads of people care about friends more than they do partners.

I've tried dating before. I mistook my strong platonic feelings for him as romantic, when really I don't even know what romantic feelings are. While we were dating, I subconsciously saw us as best friends but with a different label. We hung out, spent lots of time together, called it romantic, and kissed sometimes. But I didn't feel anything when we kissed. Our relationship wasn't on a higher level than my other platonic relationships, and the bond I felt was no different than with my best friend. I'm still friends with the guy I dated, and I think it's better like that. There are less confusing feelings this way.