Tea and toast; an archive of my life

I was going to post more of Dexter’s birth story but i decided to postpone that for another night and discuss my current trials and tribulations with breastfeeding and being a first time mother.  NOW, before I had Dexter, there was not a doubt in my mind that i wanted to breastfeed, and only breastfeed. My mother had told me stories about how she constantly had an oversupply and was very capable of feeding my brother and i  both exclusively from the breast. I never even imagined I would have a single problem providing for my child with my own body. I had always heard that breastfeeding was hard, but I had always assumed it would be something that would come naturally. I had assumed it was just in my genetics, how wrong I was.

The first month of breastfeeding went great! I was chock full of milk and was feeding on demand and leaking like crazy in between. No problems. After going to the doctors for Dexter’s 2 month shots, the doctor commented that Dex was on the small side for weight, but measured up in all other respects. He suggested that i start supplementing with formula if the breast milk wasn’t enough.  I felt my heart drop into my feet. WHAT!? i’m not feeding my son enough? even though i was feeding hourly some days! WOW, it hurt me in a weird way. It was something i knew i couldn’t help, I was doing everything I could possibly do, i had no idea i wasn’t providing enough for Dex. He never seemed overly fussy so I had assumed I was always giving him what he needed. I was also heartbroken at the fact that my plan of being EBF was going down the tubes before my eyes. The doc said i had two weeks to get his weigh up, or else he would strongly have to recommend some sort of formula supplementation. 

I went home so defeated from that doctors appointment. I felt like i was a failure as a mother. I had one job, to breastfeed my baby and make sure he was healthy and growing,, and I was already screwing that up. I made a small 2oz bottle that night after struggling to get Dexter to sleep on the breast alone. I cried and cried and cried as i fed him his first bottle ever. After the bottle he slept soundly, but i felt like I had taken the easy way out. I couldn’t have just tried each breast a few more times? No, I had to give in and just get some rest and try and come out with a better attitude tomorrow.

The next day, after an entire night of feeling guilty and angry, I decided that I couldn’t let this bother me, I cant beat myself up over this. I was doing everything right, I was doing everything i had to do to be sure Dexter was taken care of, I was not a horrible mother. I decided then and there I would take every avenue and get my supply back up before i give up and just switch to formula. Those two weeks were spent pumping, and feeding and pumping and feeding like mad! I went out and bought mothers milk tea and fenugreek and blessed thistle too. I was going to exhaust every resource I had.

Finally, I am back! I am back with Dexter birth story, finally. I am still juggling the new responsibilities that come with mommy-hood so I may only get to post SOME of the story, but I will try and dedicate myself to getting his story completed by the end of next week.

It all started on Friday April 17th, my last day of work. I wasn’t feeling well when i woke up for my last day of work, I really didn't think anything of it. I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time (literally hit week 38 that day) and had felt pretty terrible most of the pregnancy. I didn't get morning sickness, I would have ANY time of the day sickness. Particularly it would strike bad early in the morning and late and night. So, as I said, I didn’t think anything of how i felt that morning. i knew it was the last day i was working for the rest of the year so regardless of HOW i felt, i HAD to go in.

When I go to work, the manager had purchased donuts and coffee as a treat for my last day. I couldn’t even look at the goodies without feeling that familiar wave of nausea over me. I decided i better get to work, the sooner i started, the sooner i would be able to go home  and curl up in my cocoon bed and wait for my little babe to hatch.

Not long after i started my shift I started feeling hot, sweaty, and ill. I had to throw up so I went to the bathroom. I puked, VIOLENTLY, all over the toilet and seat, and while i was puking i felt gushing sensation with the force of my vomit. Thinking the worst, as it felt almost like when you experience a period, I assumed i was bleeding. NOPE. But it was another indicator that my little boy was getting ready to make an appearance, the rest of my mucos plug was lost in the force of vomiting. I was a little freaked out, but had read that you could lose your plug weeks before your baby is born. And being two weeks away from my due date, I wasnt worried. No sense worrying for nothing, i always tell myself.

After cleaning up the toilet, and completeing the rest of my shift at work, I slugged my ass home and planted it on the couch for the rest of the evening. I was too tired to even go to bed, at 4am Jarrott woke me up and moved me to the bedroom. I was waking up almost every hour to either pee or switch which side i was lying on, my back was bothering me all night. I didnt think anything of that because it was my upper back that hurt. I had always heard that labor pain is more low down in your back and front, like a period. Clearly I was in early stages of labor but was i had no idea! I kept explaining away my aches and pains.

Around 7am April 18th (only 2 hours after Jarrott FINALLY came to bed, he was working midnights that week) I got up AGAIN to pee. When I sat up in the bed i felt this *POP* inside me. It was a feeling I had never felt before. Once i stood up out of bed this rush of fluid started coming out of me! i reached down with my hands to stop it, not really knowing what else to do. “JARROTT, i think my water broke!” “No way, are you sure you arent just peeing?” “Its a lot, there is no way this is pee, and i cant stop”

I grabbed the nearest towel and put it between my legs and ran for the phone to call my mum. I was so not ready, a wave of panic set in over me. I had nothing ready! i had planned to get everything organized for Dexter in the two weeks between being off work and labor. I had no bag for the hospital, I had no crib set up for him to sleep in and his room was still full of JUNK!  I called my mother as fast as I could, she must have been by the phone cause I don’t even recall hearing it ring. She told me not to panic, to gather up a bag for the hospital and she would be there soon. 

Suddenly I was as calm as I had ever been, all the panic had left. I knew I had to do this. It was time. no matter what way you cut it, this is what these past 9 months had been leading up to. I could do it calm, or I could lose my mind and panic. I was amazed at the calmness that set in over myself through the entire process. I was ready.

My husband is sleeping, my cat is sleeping, D is fighting sleep hard making it near impossible to get anything done. I have laundry to put away, ‘thankyou’ notes to write, a kitchen sink loaded with dishes, and a house that looks like it was hit by an atomic bomb... I am sure there is a task or two i forgot to mention. Even as I attempt to take two seconds of my day to blog I am getting up every 30 seconds to tend to your wimpers, my little D. As much as I sit back and feel slightly overwhelmed at the amount of stuff just waiting to be completed, I let it go because I’d much rather be sure you are looked after and content than have my house sparkling clean. I suspect you may be weather sensitive like mum, i’m sure your restlessness has to do with the impending showers that are coming this afternoon.

Dexter Alexander Brooks,

I know I promised in my last personal post that I would TRY and post more once on maternity leave, but haven’t realized how busy I would be. I waited so long to do so many important things for the arrival of my son, that I didnt exactly prepare for the possibility of an early arrival. My maternity leave was due to start on the 38th week of my pregnancy, the 18th of April. Sure enough two weeks was enough time to get all my procrastinated plans finished,right?

WRONG!

Baby Dexter had other plans and the morning of the 18th (7:00am to be exact) my water broke as I got out of bed to use the washroom for the 100th time that morning/night. I don’t have time to detail the labor and delivery, but will post Dexters birth story(hopefully) this week.

Either way, I am feeling super blessed. I never imagined I would take to motherhood so quickly, I feel right at home doing the mommy thing. I’m hella proud of myself that I was able to handle pregnancy, labor and delivery. It wasnt that bad, everyone tried so hard to scare me, and i’m like “I WOULD TOTALLY DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!”, every pain,ache, and embarrassing moment was absolutely worth it! haha!

I have to run now, doody calls. haha:)