i really enjoy reading about girls overcoming the guilt of being submissive towards their bfs/husbands because for a long time, i denied my desires and it caused me to constantly overthink even the smallest acts of submission. i probably felt this way (and sometimes still do) because of the idea that all women should strive for equality in their relationships. for some women, i imagine that the mere thought of deferring to their man is egregious. but for me, it's given me such more peace of mind because i genuinely believe it is my nature to derive pleasure from his satisfaction.
even in the beginning of our relationship, i never cared if i finished when he fucked me, just as long as i made him cum. he'd spend the night and cum five times using me, go to bed, and wake up to fuck me some more (all while i haven't came once). i always loved it. before we knew what free use was, i've essentially always been his free use toy because of how easy i am.
but somewhere down the line, i started to feel ashamed of the type of girl i am. i kept seeing other girls online criticize girls like me for being "male-centered" and for engaging in "pick-me" behavior. it made me feel gross about myself. like i needed to fix my "internal misogyny" or whatever.
i distanced myself from my desires. i tried the whole "equality" thing. i didn't ask for permission to cum, i stopped letting him use me whenever he wanted, and i came every time we had sex. but for reasons i didn't understand at the time, i was so unsatisfied.
i now recognize that the reason i was unsatisfied was because i was going directly against my own desires. i wanted him to have complete control of me. i didn't want the equality that other women seem to love.
my orgasms are completely his. he decides when, or if they happen. my body is entirely his to use how he pleases. ever since i gave in, daddy says i smile more and that i seem happier. what further proof do i need that his control is good for me? even just completing simple tasks for him, like tidying up his space or spending extra time looking nice for him, fill me with such a sense of fulfillment.
although i still struggle with fully letting go, being edged until i see him again has been helping me accept my place. nothing is hotter than making him cum while i stay denied. and if he decides to make me cum, it further cements my place as his toy because it reminds me that i'm not in control of something as personal as my own orgasms.
giving him control over me has made our relationship better. i am more patient and understanding. he's more confident and relaxed. equality just isn't what works for us and it took me a while to understand this.
every day i strive to be a better girl for him. to obey blindly and with no inhibitions. i want to pick him over my dignity every time. it feels so good to not think and just give in <3
