I Can’t Keep Up

I can't help but think there's something... not performative but perhaps not wholly honest about how he reacted to ruben in public, only to them seek out ruben's permission to say yes and to not follow but to lead ruben into the barn. the barn that locks from the inside. the barn that is far away from the party that no one seemed to hear them

niall, who in the past was so terrified of ruben's retribution, now willingly placing himself in a position where he's entirely at ruben's mercy; removing himself from alby's side, the one person in the world who perfectly understands ruben's capacity for savagery

and he invited everyone, didn't he? every single person he knows is at this wedding. just like ruben apologized to everyone except niall, knowing that word had to reach him eventually, and that it would drive him mad. how could ruben, who is connected to almost all of those people in some way, not get wind of it? how could he resist?

I don't think niall was nervous and sullen because he didn't want to get married. I think he was anxiously waiting for ruben to appear

I feel it everywhere. It sort of runs through me in a way. It's like… dangerous. It is the best and the worst thing all at once. It's like the only thing. It's the only thing I've ever felt. It's like I'm fucking… high off of you or something. Chemically dependent. I don't know.