Update: Conor / Vagina / Vaccine

5 weeks apart.

Excuse me, what has happened to my tiny newborn? Where has my baby gone and when did you become such a big boy. 😭

Visited our friends with a 3 week old who’s a little bigger than Conor was at birth. And I just can’t imagine him that small. I miss those snuggly newborn cuddles, would not go back at all though, I love this age as he’s get more and more interactive and engaging. He is soooo close to laughing.

We’ve had two nights of bad sleeps, waking every 1.5-2 hours which started the night after his 3 month imms, more grizzly, super snuggly and clingy…but last night the return of a full stretch 10pm till 6:30am 🙌 it’s been a couple weeks without that long may it last…(probably just a one off 😂😂😂)

Anyways someone I used to work with said if he’s not sleeping great on his own and he’s grizzly maybe vaccines aren’t for him…🙃🙃🙃 I can’t. Each to their own…but I’ll be protecting my child and the children around him from deadly diseases and if the cost of that is a few extra cuddles and a little less sleep for me sign me up!

Honestly my husband after the booster wasn’t feeling great imagine that but a tiny 3 month old who also doesn’t know what’s happening, I’d want all the cuddles and my mum too!

I got my booster Wednesday and all is good, sore arm the next day but seems fine this morning so far.

Vagina update for those who are interested…so after a long labour then an emergency c-section following what they called an obstructed labour, a swelling cervix and a swelling baby head… Things just haven’t felt great and haven’t been able to have sex….I feel like this is such a taboo subject but I feel like this is way more common than we realise… so I’ve seen a woman’s health physio and my vagina was traumatised and the muscles have tightened to protect itself 😂😂 so lots of massage which is actually not fun..imagine a like deep tissue sports massage that is almost painful and then you’re really achey afterwards…that but your vagina 👌🙃😂 and some wide yoga poses and some ab exercises to strength my core. $200 later and hopefully I’ll be not so sore soon! But also Womans health physios should be much more accessible they are so expensive and then you’re also on maternity leave and not getting paid.

But also I can start working out again it’s not going to make it worse, I’ve really been waiting to see what’s going on because I didn’t want to have like a prolaps and start squaring and making it worse. Child birth is so glamorous 😂. So light weights / body weight stuff is allowed, walking, core core core, and we’ve recently brought a spin bike so when I have time 😂😂😂😂 she says with a child who only contact naps in the day.

When he’s a bit bigger I’m going to put up a baby swing in the garage for him so he can swing and I can workout.

Small human had his 3 month imms on Monday, poor sugar has been super snuggly and clingy which really isn’t him normally.

I got my booster today and it’s been maybe 12-13 hours (it’s almost 4am currently) and my arm is killer sore, hubby felt like he was run over by a truck after his.

New mum life is hard.

I’m exhausted often. And it’s hard.

Worth it, and amazing, and Conor is perfection, but feeding is hard, lack of sleep is hard, getting used to a soft body is hard, major surgery recovery is hard, coming to terms with my labour and birth is hard, grieving my grandma and mums absence as a new mum is really fucken hard.

And I’m so damn blessed to have this little boy, and I’m certainly not complaining, I would do it all again in heart beat but it’s a tough job motherhood.

I saw my grandma last in April she lives 8 hours away, In the past few years I’ve made a real effort to see them every 6 months, when I told her I was pregnant she was so excited, we walked to the cafe, had coffee.

Today she passed away, peacefully, as she wanted after having a fall a few weeks ago and on Friday deciding that she had had enough.

It’s so bitter sweet, she lived a long life, she watched her 4 children grow up, her 9 grandchildren grow up, even 3 great grand daughters and was very excited about a great grandson. In the last few years of mums life she was so mindful that they won’t be around much longer, to see them, my mum actually spent her last Christmas alive with them while I worked, and I’m so pleased for them that they did.

My sweet grandma, say hello to mum for me, I’ll love you and remember you forever, and I’m so pleased our last meeting was such a lovely one.

It’s been a while.

I’m now quiet pregnant. 35 weeks tomorrow.

As it gets closer to his due date I feel that absence of my mum so much more.

We are in lockdown here in NZ, two weeks so one can’t complain really. And then I think we drop a level probably for another week or 2.

I can’t work as I’m considered high risk due to how pregnant I am. Which is super weird last lockdown I worked all through. And my maternity leave starts at 37 weeks sooo the likelihood of me actually getting back to work before then is super slim. I’m doing some admin work from home so that’s something.

I’m worried come my maternity leave kicking in I’ll actually have nothing to do. I’ve been spending the last week and a half setting up babies room, doing washing, organising all our document files, unpacking anything that hadn’t been unpacked yet from moving in April.

I’m not too worried about going into labour in level 4 or 3. It seems Liam can be there and stay he just can’t leave, it will mean finding someone to house sit / look after the dogs but that should be fine.

I miss you.

You are my best friend.

And so much fun.

And I hate that it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. Heard your voice.

My MIL came which was lovely, but I wish my mum was here, I wish she could have come and seen him or her taking little gulps, wiggling around. I wish she could have shared that moment with me.

I had a dream, I rang her on the phone, she said it’s been ages since we’ve talked...I said yeap because you died remember.

Thought I won’t take my antinausea meds straight away I’ll see how I go.

Next thing I’m throwing up bile.

Going to do some grief counselling.

More as a preventative measure.

I think having a small child, without my own family surrounding me, with my own mum dead, I’m just aware I might not cope that well.

Extra hormones.

Small child.

Sleep deprived.

No mum.

I mean no parents period.

I’m a strong believer in

1. Celebrating Easter for the right reasons and when I have a child I’ll be telling them why Easter is.

2. That Easter eggs are a big waste of money and plastic and not good for the environment.

3. That we as adults, me being almost 30 as the youngest. Do not need 5 plus eggs each ie an egg from each person.

4. I have no interest in chocolate right now so that’ll be 10 eggs for my husband who’s trying to lose a bit of weight

I’ve just taken my anti-nausea medicine now that I’ve stopped vomiting and crawled back into bed until it kicks in.

Hopefully then I can shower / drop some stuff to the post shop / paint some skirting boards.

Possibly do some shopping I need a dress for my best friends elopement at the end of April.

That’s because the small bean growing in my uterus has sucked all the energy out of me, and throwing up daily, several times a day, and I’m hoping as we creep into the second trimester it’ll all ease a bit. However mostly I’m just very blessed and I know there are people who would give anything to be feeling this awful for the same reason.

We’ve done the NIPTest and we know that he or she is very healthy, and we know the gender but keeping that to ourselves for a bit. But very excited and happy.

And the reaction from some people is very much “must be nice to spend that much money” and just a little bit bitter about it all.

I get it.

Like to be 29&31 and be able to buy your dream home with a pretty small mortgage is amazing. And to still to have a rental as well.

However.

It’s come at a cost.

A bigger cost than just a bit of money.

Before turning 29 I had lost both my parents.

Both.

Like I’d give up everything, I’d give up the house in a heartbeat to have one of them back, both of them would be even better.