JustAGirlWithA HeadFullOfSpirals.

"She is older now, Somehow she has surrendered even more to the idea that she does indeed know very little. One would think as they grow older, they would grow more sure. She grows more sure that nothing is sure and things are never to fully be known. Everything is just as it is and to be witnessed and not controlled. This idea sends her spinning. Then she searches and she looks and she reasons with her left and right. She notices a self fulfilling prophecy shining through in her thoughts. She plucks it out of a cloud of racing thoughts. What she has had, is what she will get... What she has seen, is what she will do.. Who she has known, is who she will be... It can't be. That can't be the sureity one searches for. Reconciling with the pain of this game her head seems to play. She sits with it. She imagines every variable of it. It makes sense that one would repeat the woven fabric of where it is they come from. But she continues to forget one thing in all of this. In all the fear of this complexly empty life being laid out before her. Only seeing the life she ran so far from. She forgot. She Ignores. She has done everything differently. Inherently she is so different to where she came from. Of course things will linger within her. Of course her body will remember. But my god you silly weary soul. What you made from what you got has been extraordinary. You have always leaped and crawled and ran towards a start, middle and end no one could ever predict, nor could you comprehend. My darling lost soul. If you had stayed where you began, indeed that is what you would have become. There is no plan, there never has been a plan. You just ran and ran and ran. Stop. Look around. What you have had is so much bigger than the first 18 years. What you have seen is more than you could have dreamed. The people you know, have met, have left, have loved and the people you continue to grow with. They leave parts with you. They impart lessons you would have never found on your own. My girl look how much more you have known. Look how much you have grown. Your prophecy is not self fulfilling. Place that thought back in your cloud. Let this storm take it's course in the knowing it is not yours. Your direction is your own and it is long and winding and full of ups and downs for sure. No more thoughts of repetitions or anticipations for a future you have painted to be bleak. My greatest love, you and I could never ever let that be our end. So keep leaping. Keep crawling. Keep running. The more we do, the more we know, the more we become. You are everything. You are not pre prophicized.

She has been Naive and ignorant. She has been different and scared. She has loved in secret. She has loved out loud. She has been been challenged.  She has been enabled. Her world has taken many shapes and circumstance. She has lived at the top of the food chain and at the bottom.  She has kept so much company.  She has been completely alone.  She has loved being different.  She has hated being different.  She has loved her shell.  She has crawled in her skin.  She was open.  She was closed.  She was loud.  She was quiet.  She has been determined.  She has been lost.  Her life has been in shambles. Her life has been much more than ever thought possible.  She has loved hard and quickly.  Now she loves slowly and cautiously.  Now she is her best friend.  Her protector.  Her parent.  Her mentor.  Her landlord. Her teacher.  Now she fills spaces. Makes room. Says no.  Is herself."  2023

The universe sent me someone perfect... but yet again at the wrong time. What is the lesson here?

To be in a place where everything is simply just... good. Is somewhere I did not know I'd ever be. It came from taking time to commit to my independent development & healing. We try so hard to look around and find the answer. My success came from engaging a counsellor, who committed to a mission of teaching me how to understand my own brain and identify it's trauma. You will never be able to control the people around you or think the same way they do. What you can do is learn how to start navigating the world on your own terms. The power to drown out the other voices and hear yours clearly has been an unexplainable gift. However i will try my best to explain this liberation to you.  For anyone who has experienced childhood with a dominant parent, or two. It is hard to trust yourself, to have opinions, to have preferences, because for most of your life you were reprimanded for the fact.  Having dominant parents does effect someone's personality, their confidence, their sense of self. They are in a constant state of looking around & wondering, if what they are thinking is even allowed. When making decisions they look around at the room and pick something based on the least explosive or least offensive outcome. Not based on their preference of colour or size or anything individual to their personal taste. Instead of spending our childhood getting to know our likes and dislikes, we spend it learning how to mediate and manage stressful outcomes. Learning to put ourselves second or third or fourth. Children with dominant parents are often shy and indecisive, this continues into adulthood. We become people pleasers and a lot of scenarios can make us extremely anxious, because we are always anticipating a stressful outcome. Sometimes just not being able to identify an outcome makes us spiral.  This results in an inability to care for yourself, or to understand your own needs and what makes you happy. Which leaves you undeniably a target for abusive relationships, romantic, friendship or otherwise. You feel guilt and shame for ever putting your needs above anyone else, you are overwhelmed at the thought of identity ... because you don't really have one that isnt connected to others. You don't know how to make yourself happy on your own because you live for others.  For me until 22 years old, the process of truly starting to get to know myself had not begun. Allowing myself to take the time to learn that I was allowed to be decisive and it is not selfish to consider your own thoughts relevant. Was an absolute game changer, understanding that I am not inferior and that I have as much autonomy as any person was incredible. This peace, knowledge and understanding comes after a great deal of hard work and commitment to being alone and digging deep into my inner child. When I got lost on this journey, i was guided by my counsellor who gave me incredible insight into my past and helped me re frame it.  I can not recommend enough prioritising yourself for 2 years and unlearning all of the hard things that were ingrained in you as a child. So going forward life is not a series of painful relationships and anxious decision after decision.  I am sorry to everyone who was not built up the way they should have been and I hope this might be able to help accelerate the process of loving yourself and becoming yourself.  With Love, P x

The tables are turning and I am learning,