To be in a place where everything is simply just... good. Is somewhere I did not know I'd ever be. It came from taking time to commit to my independent development & healing. We try so hard to look around and find the answer. My success came from engaging a counsellor, who committed to a mission of teaching me how to understand my own brain and identify it's trauma. You will never be able to control the people around you or think the same way they do. What you can do is learn how to start navigating the world on your own terms. The power to drown out the other voices and hear yours clearly has been an unexplainable gift. However i will try my best to explain this liberation to you. For anyone who has experienced childhood with a dominant parent, or two. It is hard to trust yourself, to have opinions, to have preferences, because for most of your life you were reprimanded for the fact. Having dominant parents does effect someone's personality, their confidence, their sense of self. They are in a constant state of looking around & wondering, if what they are thinking is even allowed. When making decisions they look around at the room and pick something based on the least explosive or least offensive outcome. Not based on their preference of colour or size or anything individual to their personal taste. Instead of spending our childhood getting to know our likes and dislikes, we spend it learning how to mediate and manage stressful outcomes. Learning to put ourselves second or third or fourth. Children with dominant parents are often shy and indecisive, this continues into adulthood. We become people pleasers and a lot of scenarios can make us extremely anxious, because we are always anticipating a stressful outcome. Sometimes just not being able to identify an outcome makes us spiral. This results in an inability to care for yourself, or to understand your own needs and what makes you happy. Which leaves you undeniably a target for abusive relationships, romantic, friendship or otherwise. You feel guilt and shame for ever putting your needs above anyone else, you are overwhelmed at the thought of identity ... because you don't really have one that isnt connected to others. You don't know how to make yourself happy on your own because you live for others. For me until 22 years old, the process of truly starting to get to know myself had not begun. Allowing myself to take the time to learn that I was allowed to be decisive and it is not selfish to consider your own thoughts relevant. Was an absolute game changer, understanding that I am not inferior and that I have as much autonomy as any person was incredible. This peace, knowledge and understanding comes after a great deal of hard work and commitment to being alone and digging deep into my inner child. When I got lost on this journey, i was guided by my counsellor who gave me incredible insight into my past and helped me re frame it. I can not recommend enough prioritising yourself for 2 years and unlearning all of the hard things that were ingrained in you as a child. So going forward life is not a series of painful relationships and anxious decision after decision. I am sorry to everyone who was not built up the way they should have been and I hope this might be able to help accelerate the process of loving yourself and becoming yourself. With Love, P x
M.E
