Hear my Prayer

Today is the first Sunday of Lent. The scripture reminds us today of Jesus heading into the desert. Boy, let me tell you. I struggled a bit today. My priest lectured about what Lent is. He related this time to catholic spring training, aka as going back to the basics. Any catholic knows, there are three things to be doing during lent: 1) fasting 2) praying and 3) almsgiving. 

Fasting, I have been fasting during Lent as long as remember. I actually feel guilt whenever I don’t fast during Lent. So, I didn’t really have to worry about fasting, it had been engrained into who I am. 

Prayer, prayer is harder for me. It’s not that I don’t have the time, it’s more like what to I say. I feel so selfish when I ask God for strength on my test whenever there are people praying for food, clean water, help, and so many more things. It’s a internal struggle within. If y’all have anyway to help me rethink this, I’d appreciate the help. 

Almsgiving, I have always donated my time to the church, especially a little more during the season of Lent, but as years past by that has slowly dwindled. It hurts thinking about it, but I don’t know how. I have no money to give, as I am in college. My time is fairly limited. I don’t know a way to give back in a meaningful way. So, my priest talks about giving a little more kindness, and understanding during Lent. So, this is what I’ll do this lent. I’ll give back by listening, being a little kinder, and providing more understanding. 

It’s been almost a year since this all started. This is the first year I didn’t receive my ashes. I know there’s a lot going on between COVID and the unprecedented snow storm that has knocked out power to most of Texas. This is the first year I didn’t wake up for 6am mass. It hurt a little inside when my natural alarm clock woke me up for church, but there was no church to attend. Of course, I was lucky, unlike many others without power, I was able to attend online. I thanked God for that. I still had my peace with him. 

My priest said this during Christmas and again the other day, he said it’s important that we welcome those who only attend these holy days because we may help them realize that the church is a safe place. And he’s right. The church is a safe place. I do not agree with everything the church says, but I do agree with most of what the church says, and even with that the church has always welcomed me with open arms. I’m always terrified going to church in a new place because I feel like they are judging me, but why should I care, because in the end religion and catholicism is about my relationship with God. Not what other people say or what they do, no, what I do and say and believe in. It took my over 20 years to realize that, but finally God and I can build on our relationship and repair what was broken. And to me, that’s beautiful. 

Hello all,

I have been active in Christ but distant with my blog. I have made a commitment to be more active on this blog for Lent season, but since then let’s talk about my advent. 

The pandemic made it hard to enjoy the day with my brothers and sisters, as always my family and I attend the Christmas morning mass. It was beautiful, but seeing the everyone socially distant during a time where we should be with our brothers and sisters hurt me and made me look and God and ask “What is your plan?” So, for the time after I opened my heart to Him. I listened to what He had to say, and He hasn’t been quiet, but He hasn’t answered. So, I asked him, “What do you have planned for me?” I know He has a plan for me. I want to know if I am carrying out His plan for me. Am I living to what He wants of me. I’m human, I know I am not perfect. 

So, what did I do for Christmas, I worked to open my heart to him. I had a desire to prepare my home for him. I worked with my family and we came together and prayed. We prayed together, we spent time together, we celebrated together. We enjoyed our time together. We only pray together during holidays, so praying together outside of that was significant.

What else did I do? Every week I lit a candle and prayed. I prayed to whomever I could, usually to Christ, but sometimes the Mary, other times to St. Anthony. I prayed for all those affected by COVID. I prayed for my family, that someday we can be reunited in the Kingdom of God. I prayed for my friends, that they may remain safe and healthy. I prayed for peace. I needed a lot of peace this break. 

Before, I could return home for Christmas, I had to isolate. I was COVID positive. It was painful. Living on my own, the only connection to normalcy was my classes. I was hurting inside. I went into a dark side, but I knew that God had a plan for me. I knew that God wouldn’t give me something I couldn’t handle. So, I prayed for health and peace. I prayed for all the people who suffered from this pandemic. 

Wow, it’s been a while, but I have a lot to talk about, so let’s get started! ‘

This week’s readings had to deal with trusting in God and his power. I was left to ponder on trusting God. Many times, I feel God doesn’t prove he is there to me. There are things science can’t explain, but none of that has every been to me and I know “blessed are they that have not seen, and yet believed” (John 20:29 KJV), but it’s hard. What if I am a person who needs to see to believe. I need to know someone is there. He created me, but how to do I know He is still there? I have never before in my life pondered his existence until I was faced with a storm. 

I say a storm because in the gospel this week, we see Jesus walking on water and the disciples thought he was a ghost. Peter asked Jesus to prove it was him and he told Peter to come and Peter began to walk on water. He walked on water as long as he focused on Jesus. The moment he looked away, he began to sink. Storms were the enemy to them back in this time, there was nothing scarier and more unpredictable to them, but here was Jesus proclaiming Himself as more powerful than the storms. He transcends Earth. 

Back to the point, I had a storm. I took my eyes off God and I am still waiting for him to pull me up from sinking. I am trying to float, but I still can’t. I am trying to believe, but there is so much questioning inside me. It’s frustrating. I want to believe. I want to believe and have not seen, but how do I get there? 

You know when there’s that homily that just sticks with you? Yeah, I found one. 

At church the other day Father was talking about anxiety. And the Lord knows I have it bad. He talked about how God knows. He knows. Let me explain, he knows that you are hurting and in pain, but he also knows that you are strong. He never gives us something, we can’t handle. He knows. 

So, why do I fell the need to question Him. Question my Lord? Going against everything I was raised to believe. Let me tell you why. Last year, I was in a dark place. I was out of my mind and I called for help. I shouldn’t have done that because next thing I know police were dragging me to a hospital and I was stuck there for a week without contact with anyone. To make matters worse I was alone, my friends didn’t know where I was and I was away for college, so my family didn’t know either. I was utterly alone. I remember and still sometimes question why God did that to me. Like why would He do that? I am a good catholic. I go to church, I confess, I pray, I do believe in Him. For the first time in my life, I questioned Him. Do you know how that felt? My body detached from my soul for the first time in my life. And that’s why I’m here. No one was there, but He was. Since then, I have gone to therapy and received help for the trauma and the reason I was there in the first place (I’m going to keep that private for me). But my relationship with God still is not the same. Hence, why I am doing this.

But for the first time since I that moment I questioned God, someone talked about it. Father said, we do it because we are scared of the uncertain, because we start to feel the cross is too heavy to bear on our own and no one is listening to our cries for help, but He knows. He cares so deeply about us, that He knows the number of hairs on our head and no one loves us more than he does, because He has taken the time to know every detail about us. Tell me how that is not love? 

I offer two words, have hold value in the face of uncertainty. 

“My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief. Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the glory of Israel. In you our fathers trusted; they trusted and you rescued them. To you they cried it and they escaped; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. But I am a worm, not a man, scorned by men, despised by people. All who see me mock me; they curl their lips and jeer; they shake their heads at me: ‘He relied on the LORD-let him deliver him; if he loves him, let him rescue him.’ For you drew me forth from the womb, made me safe at my mother’s breasts. Upon you I was thrust from the womb; since my mother bore you are my God. Do no stay far from me, for trouble is near, and there is no one help.” 

-Psalms 22:2-12 NABRE

I find this describing how I feel abandoned and alone by God. I feel judged and scorned by people around me that I stand by Catholic Church. Most people I meet, have either grown up in the church and left or they complete despise the church in general. So, it’s hard for me to connect with people. Other Catholics I meet are super invested in the religion and spend a lot of time in the church, but I am private about who I am with God. That’s what religion is, your belief, your relationship with God (or whomever you believe in). Either way, I feel like I have to prove his miracles, but I’m just here. I used to be super in love with church. I was an RCIA teacher and I was an altar server. I was the best one in the church, (I was always the first requested and my pastor said so). I spent my childhood being raised by the church, so that’s why this is disheartening to me. 

Many of the people my age who grew up in the catholic church don’t usually stay. It’s hard. There’s no lie in that. All your life you grow up believing one thing and suddenly you have the freedom to explore and learn anything you want. So, I’m sitting here wondering who the hell am I. I am questioning my faith and learning a little by little to discover who I am as a catholic.