fmdartemisiaâ:
(...)
â i am not alone.â she muttered, just loud enough for the both of them to hear. â and youâre the last person i want to hear that from.â her eyes flicker as they shake, unable to tear themselves from his face as she searches the contours of his features for any recognition that he believed what she said. âhonestly, youâre not helping your case. now i want you out of here even more than before.â thereâs a struggle to pull in her emotions, cresting on the remaining high of the adrenaline in her veins. âthis just proves that iâm right. if we remained strangers, there wouldnât be this confrontation, wouldnât there?â she ignores the honesty in his words, whirling a barbed point of her own to shoot right back at him, straightening herself like a cat, ready to spring forth its claws. â tell me, junseo. is this confrontation what you wanted? for me to just admit that we shouldnât be strangers? because if thatâs what you want, i can totally do that. without question, without qualm.â Â
junseo almost flinches at the sharpness of her words, unguarded as he still is around her without realizing, and so it breaks through his walls easily and hits him where it hurts; serves as another reminder to keep his feelings well hidden, that no good comes from letting them shine through. he wants to say: i don't â not anymore, wants to tell her all the ways in which he's been hiding from people lately, but all he does is shrug. âi realized that people see in me what they want to see, you know?â there's a pause as he contemplates saying more, torn because he knows she doesn't care to hear it, anyway. it takes him a second, two, to center himself amid the storm he can feel brewing, to ignore the onset of a headache in favor of forcing a smile, soft with the remnants of nostalgia he still can't shake. âyou never were like that, though.â it's meant as an explanation, an admission: that's why i keep seeking you out, why i could never think of you as a bad person.
the warmth of his smile doesn't last in the icy atmosphere, the coldness of her words and their delivery that makes him question his resolution once again â who is this for? is it truly so selfish to ask for closure? âi tried, sia, i did!â aggravation bleeds into his tone, lends it rough edges and the forcefulness that comes with desperation as he feels his control slip, his mask fall. âwe've been acting like strangers for years now, and you don't get to say that it doesn't hurt anymore. maybe that's true for you, because i never fucking meant anything to you, but you don't get to tell me how i feel.â
another second passes as he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to extinguish the flame behind them, thinks he really may have overstepped a boundary after seeing how agitated she got, that he said something he shouldn't have, and his features soften when he looks at her again as though in an unspoken apology. âyou're right; you're not alone. all i'm trying to say is that you should stop trying to push everyone away from you, like you're better off that way â you're not, and i know you know that.â
giving in tastes like defeat again, feels empty like resignation always does, but he's so tired, so exhausted from fighting for a place that was never his to begin with, that he just isn't sure he can win anymore. âfine,â he breathes quietly, barely loud enough for her to hear. âfine. if you want me gone that badly, i'll leave. i'll do the rational thing and pretend, like you said.â i should be good at that by now, he thinks somewhat bitterly, but swallows the words. âjust know that i'll always be there, okay? i'll always care.â thatâs the last stand heâll put up, all thatâs left of his resistance: a stubborn guarantee; the promise that what kindness they shared once wonât fade into a part of their pasts to be forgotten, that if she ever does find herself alone, there will always be a place to turn to.
in the end, heâs selfish with that too â even now, he refuses to truly become a stranger; all he can do is agree to pretend.Â












