A Diary of Lee

1. How will your life be different in a year?

My life will be surely richer and wiser than ever, next year I would probably look fitter and healthier after the pandemic really ends. My savings will be overloaded and I'd start to contemplate about buying a kavling or a home in Bali, whether in Ubud or Denpasar. I would also have spared some money for my future kid and be planning about having a baby. Shortly, my life would taste finer, sweeter and wealthier. :)

2. What are you grateful for?

Of course for the life given to me itself, for the chances to be a better, wiser person everyday and an experience to grow up more mature and be the best version of me everyday. For a husband that will always stay by my side through tough times, who will do anything to make me happy and comfortable, and who follows whatever I plan or aim to do on the next day, and the next after, and the months ahead. The families that are so lovely and caring, the full-time job that offers great benefits of insurance, and the capabilities to make myself happy and less bored. The friends that spark different motivations and knowledge and love languages, the health that I can gain back after getting sick and being hospitalized for days. The chance to start my candle business, and my podcast project! <3

3. What nice thing can you do for someone else today?

To have meaningful conversations during the day, helping them in the kitchen or problem they're facing, buying some needed stuffs for better comfort living and making handcraft together with pio~

4. How much do you worry about what others think?

Never think too much about others opinions about myself. They can think good about me, think bad about me, and everything in-between. It's their thoughts after all, never will be mine except they have special space in my life.

5. What are you doing to invest in your relationships?

Nothing much lately, just trying to listen to whatever my partner share or complain. Buying foods or stuffs that he needs or craves, and taking care the home goodly so it will make him feel comfortable while working at home. What else should I do, yah?

6. What do you do for fun?

Mostly watching kdrama, then cooking dishes that inspire me from youtube, painting, playing games on my mobile phone since it's the easiest thing to do to kill boredom, lighting up my candle while putting face mask for 30-60 minutes and listening to relaxing musics. Going to the salon to have some beauty treatments and having some massages too can be a fun, lovely things to do!

7. Are you comfortable in your own skin?

So much!

8. Is anxiety something that dampens most of your days?

Nope, a lot of times it will be plans or things I should do or should finish or haven't done or haven't finished. Then checking on people I love about their conditions, are they healthy? have them eaten yet? If I ever get anxious, it will be because my money on my account is running low while I'm having this great deal of willing to buy random stuffs on e-commerce.

9. What have been your biggest mistakes?

Believing on something or someone who didn't deserve my loyalty and sincere love. Buying or spending money too much in a day for the shake of my uncontrollable sense of self-pampering / self-rewards.

10. What will people say about you at your funeral?

Come back once or twice was never enough

We always found our way back to each other

Yet I know we never could stay longer or stronger

You knew you’d get anxious again,

I knew you would cut me off again,

But our love is rare

The last time I was staying in your place,

You sat and my body was on your laps,

Left hand playing your hair, right hand holding your back,

My lips on yours and moved to your neck,

You could smell my perfume, and you stayed still..

A moment that night, you stared at me so long, as if you knew it would be our last chance to be together, I remember..

I tried to be opened and honest but I guess it would never enough for you,

yet when you’re madly in love, it drove you crazy

You’d drive pass midnight, picked me up to have one more night

staying with you..

Yet, when I’m madly in love, it drove me crazy

I’d fly to your house pass the midnight just to make sure you didn’t cry alone,

staying with you..

You, the one who always reminds me to pray and brings me closer to God,

You, the one who cried so bad when you knew I wasn’t innocence no more,

You, who would accompany me to my hometown, meeting my parents and brother, sneaking to kiss me when everybody’s sleeping, 

How could I forget about that? How can I let it all faded away?

And it’s me, the one who will always find a way to make you smile and laugh with my tease, always being there when you need a company,

Me, the one who inspires you to grow be a better man,

Me, the one who always gets another chance to win your heart no matter how hard it has become.. who you will always miss and love so dearly, made you cry over and over and over again.. How could we never learn where we’ve been here before?

You, the one who knows how to take care of me while I was drunk, making me porridge and tea, let me sleep on your bed when you’re sleeping on the floor. You’re so sweet yet so spicy, turns so warm and so coldly the next day.

You saw me crying because of your lies, never thought I’d leave you and never come back again. How do you feel now dear? I was serious with my emotion yet you didn’t see it coming. 

Kadang kita butuh ruang,

untuk bisa kembali bernafas, 

atau mencari kembali arti sebuah dua buah makna yang hilang.

Kadang kita butuh jeda,

untuk mengerti luapan emosi dan ucapan ekspresi yang meruak tanpa diayak.

Kadang kita butuh waktu,

untuk mencerna sebuah cerita, pengalaman, atau kejadian, juga untuk mengerti betapa berharganya sebuah proses.

Kadang kita butuh kesempatan,

untuk memperbaiki diri, atau menemukan jati diri, atau membaharui diri.

Ruang, Jeda, Waktu dan Kesempatan.

Dapat datang silih berganti, atau berjalan beriringan,

sayangnya tak semua mengerti arti kehadiran mereka,

Kenapa?

Tak semua sadar kalau mereka telah kehabisan nafas,

Tak semua sadar kalau ego telah menutup jati diri,

Tak semua sadar setiap emosi tak selalu berarti begitu,

Tak semua sadar dibutuhkan proses yang panjang 

memakan waktu, untuk mengerti makna kehidupan

Ada yang bilang, 

tak semua mendapat kesempatan yang sama,

tak semua mendapatkan waktu yang cukup, 

tak semua bisa mendapat jeda 

dalam menjalani hiruk-pikuk hidupnya, 

dan tak semua mendapat ruang 

untuk bernafas lega 

dari segala tekanan dan problematika kehidupan,

Namun tak pernah seseorang mengalami keempatnya,

maka selalu ada alasan untuk mengucap syukur,

When I open my eyes and see your face, I’m enchanted

When I look back at my life’s steps behind me and see your beautiful handworks, I’m flattered

Because, all the good things that happened in my life,

that’s your creation.. You gave me something new, continuously

You gave me chances before I ask for it

And I, I want to know you more

Deeper than anybody else I’ve ever known and seen

Because there’s none like your love in this world, 

no bigger sacrifice being given,

I exist in this world just to be your only adorer

--

When I breathe in the fresh morning air and see your beautiful smile,

I am amazed, because

I remember all the forgiveness you put into my heart,

it erases all the pains, worries and dispairs at once

Again, you handed me new beginning

And I, I always want to know you more

Deeper than anybody else I’ve ever known and seen

There’s none like your love, no bigger sacrifice being given,

so I exist in this world just to be your only worshiper

--

I thank you for everything, every tear that fell are not gone wasted,

you heard my prayers in my thoughts,

I don’t need to be afraid because you hold my hand

Your arm around me puts me in comfort

Your sweet embrace drown me 

Cinta itu tidak bisa dipaksakan // Love cannot be forced. 

So when you love someone, but then you figure out that person doesn’t love you back, they way you do, you shouldn’t turn your feelings into hate instantly. You cannot hate that person because s/he doesn’t love you back, just because. It’s not love, it’s possession. It’s lust. It’s obsession. It’s a very selfish kind of love.

Before all, you better realize that before loving someone, you gotta have a big heart. A big heart to receive anything as your feedback of loving that person; the goods, the bads, the sparks, the hurts, the hopes, the desperates, etc. You should probably notice from the very beginning, that love cannot be forced. So you gotta be well-prepared with any feedbacks that are going back to you in the meantime, if not, then you’re maybe not ready to love somebody else, you should learn to love yourself first, in the right way. Once you know that you already love yourself right and properly, you will understand about loving somebody, outside your body, is really different.

Loving yourself is about taking care of your mind, heart and body needs. Loving yourself is about getting fully aware about what your inner side needs. And sometimes the body, heart, mind and soul are fighting towards each other to win their own need, like, your mind wants to finish a very nice novel you bought last week but your eyes (which is part of your body) are tired already and craves for sleeping. What will you do? Which one do you want to satisfy first?

Your body wants to exercise so badly and you’re just sooo motivated to get into nice shape but your mind just talks to you to enjoy your night watching netflix while crunching some chips. Do you even realize about it? 

So, to summarize, loving yourself is about loving three even four parts of yourself at once; which are your mind, your heart, your body and deeper, your soul. Loving yourself is all about living a balance life. Loving yourself is about treating each part of yourself fairly. You have to feed your mind by reading and thinking good things, you have to rich your heart by doing good things that will make yourself happy and at peace, you have to keep your body healthy by taking care of anything you eat and exercising, you have to refresh and clean your soul by praying and contemplating. Don’t let one part get lesser part of your attention, be fair.

That is all about loving yourself, in a very brief paragraph.

Learning about love, I’m growing as a person who live with full considerations towards everything. And I always think that if I love somebody, and that person doesn’t feel the same towards me, that’s okay. that’s not a big deal. Why? because actually I can love myself all alone, I have people who support and love me back, their loyalty and attention are everything that I ever ask to get. When I love a person, male or female, I want them... to understand.. to realize, that THEY DESERVE TO BE LOVED. And they don’t have to return back everything that I gave to them back, I did it merely just because I wanted to. Once I love, I do it sincerely. Because nothing is more beautiful, more pure, than loving a person sincerely. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a nice thing to do, and I just want to do it all the time. Because so many people get hurt easily, so many people live their life with pains, and all they need in life is a person to share, to listen and to understand their conditions. 

Been awhile haven't written any.. Haha. How’s my life so far? Well, it’s real good! Pretty challenging too. I love my new office since I can learn so much more about advertising and share thoughts with my new co-writers and art directors. The first week in Ogilvy was kinda hectic and there were a lot to catch up, I was a little bit overwhelmed, haha. Yet, on the second week, the load wasn’t so heavy and I could enjoy some free times to socialize and relax for awhile. Love the environment, so much! Also, about my college life, well, it’s getting more serious than I could ever think! Nice! I barely had time for myself if I didn't steal some. And I miss my home so much, dunno when I will get some free time to go back to Bandung.. :(

That’s a little story of my current life so far, I bet you are curious to know about the love part of my life nowadays, don’t you? Heu.

So.. It’s been almost 7 months I become a single lady (uh-um). The first month was the hardest phase for me to get out from my crashing relationship. It was hard. It was painful. I still remember how I cried for days and night realizing the one I loved doesn’t love me anymore, the way he did before. I cried when I woke up in the morning, I cried when I showered, I cried when I pooped, I cried when I was on my way to my office, I cried when I typed translating works, I cried when I was on my way back to my dorm, I cried when I was staring at the ceiling, and when I tried to sleep. Isn’t it miserable enough to imagine? Yeah, I am this kinda person when I already fall in love deeply and set expectation for a relationship. I learned a lot from it. How could I jump to this conclusion? Well, it was easy. The attention you used to get in the first time and the last time wasn’t the same anymore. And it became obvious how you weren’t in his set of priorities anymore since it became way harder and harder to talk to him even for seconds since he was really into his works and jobs and new colleagues. He took times longer to reply your texts/chats, with shorter, template replies. It’s like, you’re talking to a robot instead of somebody you’re dating. It’s like, your conversation wasn't as meaningful as it was on the first, second and middle of time. And a lot more problems about communications, misunderstanding, and appreciation that I won't tell much on this blog. 

Now, I feel much better, more relieved than ever and start to enjoy doing anything by my own. Maybe because my studies just got started too, so I got some things else to take care. Now, I am not really concerned about my next relationship, whether I want to start a new one or take some time to relax and enjoy my loneliness for some quite time. If there is/are some guys who approach(es) me, I will just let it, but take more time to decide to jump into a new love story. Maybe I’ll befriend with the guy(s) that I really like for some months, before I know what their intention(s) really are. Whether they are really into me or just curious to figure out what kind of person I really am. Fair enough, ain’t it? 

Bukankah biasanya yang tiba-tiba datang,

Dengan mudahnya akan pergi menghilang?

Maka wajarkan perasaan bimbang,

Yang senangnya menelusup ruang

Lalu menguap ke awang-awang.

Bukankah bila dengan sabar menunggu,

Meyakinkan hati menentukan arah yang dituju?

Entah pada cinta yang tak henti membawa pilu

Atau kepada rasa yang berkembang malu-malu

Yang tak kunjung melayu.

I never thought that a short encounter, just for a day, can be so impactful towards the way I am thinking after. It would change the way I live and do things too for sure, for God’s name to be glorified. There is one friend of mine that I knew for a very short while from one Cafe in Bogor, it’s not even a month after our first introduction and he already inspires me a lot by his attitudes and heart. We met up again in Grand Indonesia and talked about our current life, just light conversations but it turned out became a very meaningful conversation for me since I love sharing about life so much, especially about humanity. About things that make us human.

After that I wanted to buy Auntie Anne’s, since it’s becoming my favorite snack lately, and I bought my friend one too. So I got Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel and he got Cheese Dog Bites. Then we got back to our places using train (KRL). Here’s the story began.

Since I love standing in the train instead of sitting, except if I feel really tired, I stood and focusing my eyes on the window (I love to looking out the window somehow), and my friend, he just stood next to me. Then there come a mother, she has big body and wore a pajama with three children, they were so young and look poor.

There the mom sat in front of me, followed by her kids. The oldest one is a girl, wearing pink kerudung, the second one is bald with some eczema stains on his head and his skin, but wait… the other two got the same stains too, and the youngest one just wore a singlet. My friend somehow kept on looking at these kids, and he held our Auntie Anne’s snacks on his hand. He just ate one from 5-6 dog bites, then he gave the snack to these kids and wow… their reaction.. Impressive!

I was got in awe for several seconds because of his very impulsive action, the mom looked grateful and helped the kids to share the foods fairly. I was.. that moment, kind of touched seeing how happy their face were just by eating good foods from my friend. And I thought, why am I not doing the same thing? I still have my Auntie Anne’s snack but I’ve eaten randomly so I don’t think I could give mine. Once more, not because I don’t want to share it but because it has already being eaten in the very ugly way. Pardon me.

Then, not long from this touchful moment, the train stopped and let some of the passengers got out, so I looked around and sat in front of the mom with three kids in front of me, while my friend kept standing on his place. Then I took a big size beng-beng, called my-standing-still-friend, and gave it to him just so he could give it to these kids and mayn, they were screaming out of control and made me scared like, did I just do something wrong.

Gosh, they looked so happy just by having this big beng-beng that I have kept inside my bag for several days since I forgot already that I bought it. Thank God I remember it in the right time. That time, that moment, I realized about how small things, no matter how much the price is, can be the sources of happiness if you receive it with a grateful heart. I am that one of types that can easily feel happy and glad because of one small things, it’s not exaggerating, but the form of appreciation.

This questions supposed to be asked by guys but well because I am different, I’m going to ask myself alone. 

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person? 

The condition where I have to face my difficulties all alone when I was still so young, like 6-8 years old.. From studies, playing times, parenting and socializing. Trying to take care of my own and be as happy as possible when your surroundings brought you down and discouraging you. I had changed my mind since that moment.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

When I argued with persons that I love so dearly, like my mom, daddy, my boyfriend, my friends, and I awas all upset and wanted to leave.. then I saw her/him crying.. I am all weak all of sudden and forget my anger. That moment, it would be me who feels sorry since I will feel like I have hurted their feelings when I shouldn’t do that. Tears never fail to touch my hard heart or thought and makes it soft again.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

Home, family and when I am all alone.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

Somewhere cold with high altitude and beautiful scenery. 

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

Jesus Christ. He is not just always staying beside me on my hard times, He also encourages me with His beautiful words and great love, He changed my mind and heart to be better, softer, kinder, humbler, and purer. The first time I met Him was on my dream when I was so young and about to entry my second year of Elementary School, He accompanied me and answered all my questions and promised me all good things ahead. I will always depend on Him in walking my life. 

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Telling everyone that I love that I love them so much and saying thank you for giving my life so much meanings, saying thank you for being there and encouraging me to keep my chin up facing all the difficulties and hateful moments in life.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

90s.

9. Who are your closest to in your family? Why?

My mom, since we are always talking almost everyday to talk about the most necessary to the most unesessary things? and sometimes arguing about something too much or too long then we started to miss each other.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

Mommy?

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

Same thoughts in perceiving world.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

An artist, a writer (publishing books) and an english teacher.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

Han Ji Eun in Full House K-Drama Series.. 

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.

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Really matches me since she is so cheerful, yet if she got any problems, she keeps it all alone and poured it in writings, she loves writing so much and snacking and her life is lonely but she doesn’t feel so lonely, she is independent yet she doesn’t like to clean her room and house all the time but once she cleans the rooms, it is a total satisfaction. She is also pure at heart and cannot do bad things to people who take advantages from her. Huft. I am pretty much like this :’)

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

So far, I’m not really comfortable with compliments, I find it hard to reply back their compliments towards me because 1. I dont feel like what they’re seeing about me. 2. I maybe think their compliment is true but well it’s what everyone will do or everyone is too.. 

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

Non-physical..

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

Fingers? they look pretty.. 

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

Kindness and flexibility.

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes I believe but it doesn’t come true :’)

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes I believe yet don’;t know if my boyfriend is my soulmate yet. I’m full of doubts..

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

20%?

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

A lot.. I fall in love with everyone and everything too easily.. with nice people, charming people, cute people, cute animals, loving animals, good foods, delicious foods, great movies.. to sum up, this world is full of loving things how could I don’t fall in love yet.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

Their nice behaviors, sense of humour, kindness and gentleness, and maturity. Also specific smells!

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

It is something that is uncomfortable to feel or to be stayed for too long. The things that can make me feel vulnerable is persons who take me for granted or hampered communications and affections that I cannot distribute to persons that I think s/he needs it. 

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

Have you had sex before?

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

Hmm... not so sure, saving and cut my hair?

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

Man: His masculinity

Woman: Her Feminity

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

Playing guitar.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

Taking holiday abroad.

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

Confused whether to do it alone or with some friends, whether to use the money I save for it or for future plans.

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

A singer who could play any instruments of musics also an artist who could play any roles.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Pampering myself with all the good things, reading favorite books or links, watching movies that I really like.

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

My sins.

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My boyfriend, Frilga.. He is a serious man but can be so hilarious at the same time. :)) 

34. What is your favorite memory?

Being carried by my daddy on his shoulder and when I was sleeping in the car, he brought me to my room. About mom, when she is happily telling stories of her and makes me laugh because her sense of humors and expressiveness. My brother too, we used to play together and being so attached to each other we couldn’t sleep without talking about things every night, mom used to scream to us to stop chitchatting and start sleeping.

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

Get it wrong when I was totally sure it was right about directions.

36. What is your biggest fear?

Being burned in hell because of my sins.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

For not trying the hardest to achieve my dreams.

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

Of course I have! Skipping school and went to Mall or Saloon. Wkwkwkwk.. I’m not all that good student after all. Until Mom caught me.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Went to Jakarta to visit my ex-bf that is now becoming my boyfriend again for 2 days to give him surprise on his Birthday, without telling my parents and with very little money on my pocket. 

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

Yes.

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

No.

42. What’s your favorite joke?

Too many, couldn’t choose one :)) I love Runningman Jokes.

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

Dog person.

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

A bird? I love flying!

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

Teletubies and Blue’s Clues?

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

Beautiful daughter that is nice to everyone.. :) #LOL

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

High school, 16 years old.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

The power of mind. How your thought can change your life so stay positive and believe in yourself. 

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

Omo, Couple-niyeo~

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?