doing it anyway

Look at the sheer joy of this American bison, skipping and pronking at Yellowstone National Park! 

every time I think about my gender I get confused so I simply stopped thinking about it. it is not my problem

i’m really overwhelmed thinking about hudson saying “he’s never had a sexual experience (before ilya) where he wanted to be there or had even a flint of desire.” and shane feeling the lust and the shame and the carnal desire and the rejection towards ilya all at once. sitting on that locker room bench after giving ilya his room number and trying to choke it back. not just feeling the feelings but not being able to name the feelings either. not knowing where to put them. what to do with his hands. he’s so good at everything including pushing it all down. he’s not good at this and his body won’t let him push it down. never feeling a flint of desire to the flames of it swallowing him whole. if it’s bad and it’s wrong then why does ilya pushing him against that wall and kissing him for the first time feel like absolution. shane has never absolved himself of anything. what is he supposed to do with that.

i think one of the reasons that heated rivalry has been so successful is because everyone involved with it is so fucking proud of what they created. like there’s zero embarrassment or shame about how sexual it is or how queer it is and it’s just such a breath of fresh air