JumboJimbopWrites

BUT:

he asked for her to love him more than anyone else in the world, including herself. he wanted to be at the top of the hierarchy above herself. he wanted to be the center of her universe, above taking care of herself, above her passions, hopes, dreams, friendships, familial relationships, and self-love. he wanted her to be at his beck and call, which is why nikki acts like that after the wish.

it's why she stands in her own piss for 9-10 hours while bear is at work. why she vomits on herself and stands there. why every time there's a conflict she resorts to sex. why she seems so hollow, why her dream of being a write suddenly vanishes overnight. because bear never wanted nikki. he didn't even know who nikki was! he wanted nikki's body and someone else inside of it who would adore him, pamper him, and love him without inconveniencing him.

if what he wanted was normal, the wish would have manifested that instead, like it did when ian wished for a billion dollars. it's not a true monkey's paw, because the one wish willow has no evil intentions.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

i think holmberg starts them off with good luck babe since it's her big breakthrough hit and ilya is like "hm. so this is a song about being in a relationship with someone who's in denial about being gay? and they won't admit to the relationship because of it? interesting" while staring directly at shane who is making very determined eye contact with the floor.

and holmberg (clueless) is like "yeah she writes a lot of situationship anthems actually!" and puts on casual.

which allows shane to pull an instant uno reverse card and stare daggers into the side of ilya's head while going "wow, imagine what it would be like to spend years sleeping with someone who sends really confusing mixed signals by saying that what you have is casual but then treating you like it's not casual at all. that would suck."

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So, I imagine that different players get sicced on people for different reasons during a game.

For example, if you want someone flat-out angry, sic Troy Barrett on them. Fight or no fight, they’ll be mad and sloppy about it.

If you want someone humbled and murderous, Ilya Rozanov is your best man, Mister Chirp-a-licious himself, the professional ragebaiter of the league.

When you want someone so frustrated, confused and generally helpless to retaliate, Wyatt Hayes is your man. I mean, you can try to retaliate to him chirping how bad you shoot, but either he’s going to ninja your skates out from under you or his team will bulldoze you. Calculate your risks wisely.

Confused, Shane immediately calls him.

"Is this some new and unique way to psych me out before the final, Rozanov? I didn't know you had money on Detroit."

"No, I am sending for a good reason," Ilya laughs. "I know it sucks for us that when you win all your team will be kissing their girlfriends and Pike will be making out all gross with Jackie, and we will not be able to. So, I wanted to show you exactly where I first kissed the cup. It was on the top, right over where it says Ottawa 1905, left of where it says 'Challenge Cup'. I remember because I did this on purpose. We weren't anything then, but I was thinking of you. I couldn't help thinking of you. So if you kiss the same place, it will be a little like we are sharing a kiss. And only we will know about it."

And Shane feels the air clean knocked out of his lungs and the back of his throat get tight, as he barely gets out, "Baby, that's... Thank you. I don't know what to say. I love you so fucking much. I'll make sure you see our kiss, okay?"

"I will be watching. I love you, My Shane. Go show the world why Shane Fucking Hollander is the goat, okay?"

On the night Shane wins his third Stanley Cup, he kisses their spot on the cup, thinking only of Ilya, and longs for a day where he can pull him onto the ice like Scott did with Kip.

Ilya gets so excited when he and Shane get invited to weddings. He loves coordinating their suits and taking cute pictures outside the venue. He’s crying during the ceremony and squeezing Shane’s hand.

At the reception, he’s dancing with toddlers and grandmas. He’s making a toast. He’s slow dancing with his husband. He’s taking shots with the groomsmen and then, again, with the bridesmaids. He’s dragging Shane to the photo booth and is like “ok and now we do a silly one”. When it gets late in the night and the dance floor is full, he is bending over in front of Shane to Yeah! by Usher. Then he’s turning Shane around and pulling their hips together and whispering the lyrics to Don’t Stop The Music by Rihanna in his ear. His tie is around his head. He gets lost and is found smoking a cigar with someone’s uncle.

At the after party, he’s putting his black card down and is covering the entire tab. They’re closing the hotel bar down.

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but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

Read the post and loved it exactly for the potential of what's in the tags: uh oh now David made it funnnn and Shane, quick little bean that he is, riiiight as he's getting to the edge of the rink, about to be picked up and passed to mom, gets up and skates away to the middle of the rink and PLOMP lays down on his back, giggling and kicking his little skates. "Again, Dad (Shane does not call David daddy in front of his friends, he's not a baby!), again!!"

ilya would stop smoking for shane. he does canonically. but he probably keeps a pack just to hear shane say something about it every once in while. because the back and forth gets their blood boiling and makes ilya want to jump him.

also, most people miss that the dynamic reverses itself too! take the locker room scene after ilya jacks it in front of shane. shane says that they can forget it ever happened (yes because he is afraid, but also this is where part of that dynamic is established) and ilya asks him what his room number is. and shane folds. clearly, he does not want to just forget about it. and when they see each other later that night, shane pulls ilya in to the door and says they should talk. and ilya clearly (and correctly) reads this as chane does not want to talk.

some shotgunning haasollanov for you <3

my art tag